Triggering (SI) - scared i'm going to get caught out
The past three weeks i've been at home with my parents for the xmas holidays. I haven't really had any space to myself cuz my brother took my room when i moved away and i have to sleep on a sofa bed now.
Well a lot of the time i've been here i've really wanted to cut, but have only only done so a couple of times cuz i'm so scared of my family finding out that i started again. So even though i've really really wanted to do it i have managed not to, which is a good thing right?
I'm going back to my house tomorrow and i can't wait to get back so that i can cut as much as i want. I know that i will and i won't try and resist. And i'll probably be back to cutting every day.
But i have shown to myself these last few weeks that i can resist if i really want to. So is it bad that i'm looking forward to going back and cutting as much as i want? That must mean i don't really want to stop, as i know that i obviously can i just don't want to.
I'm really scared though. I'm doing mental health nursing at uni and go back on placement in February and i have to see occupational health on 4 feb (i think) and last time they checked my arms to check i wasn't self harming again, but i don't want to stop doing it. I really don't think i can cope with the stresses of uni and my housemates without cutting.
Feeling so so scared that i'm going to get found out for being a fraud and throw off my course. I don't know what i would do if that happened, i would just have absolutely no reason for living. This course is the only thing that keeps my going and stops me from completely letting go and totally falling apart.
What should i do? Should i be making more effort to stop cutting, even though i know i don't really want to?
Life breaks most of us in the end, but afterwards some of us are strong in the broken places
~ Ernest Hemingway
I'm sorry you're having so much trouble lately. I know this is the worst thing to say. But I know exactly what you mean. I'm in school to be a mental health nurse as well, and since I"ve started, a year ago, I've never cut, but recently I've wanted to really bad again, and I'm afraid of someone finding out and kicking me out. So I understand. What I do that gets me through is I think about the past, and how awful horrible it was, and how much I just want to get through school and be that mental health nurse, and help people, show them the light at the end of the tunnel that I always had trouble finding. Most of the time if I think about all that I can make it through.
Hope I helped. Pm me anytime!
*HUGS*
Rissa
It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not.
Hey, I had the exact same problem in going between Uni and home - when I got home I was too scared to hurt myself in case I got caught, and made up for it at Uni. But then one day I realised that living life at home, without cutting, was a whole lot easier than I was finding Uni. So I stopped doing it there too. However, I really wanted to stop cutting. If you don't want to, then chances are you won't.
Stay strong.
But i have shown to myself these last few weeks that i can resist if i really want to. So is it bad that i'm looking forward to going back and cutting as much as i want? That must mean i don't really want to stop, as i know that i obviously can i just don't want to.
I know exactly how you feel......All I can do is sympathise
Stay Safe xx
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Make us all feel wonderful. We'll never forget."
i had similar issues going home from uni, my little brother took my room so i had nowhere and no privacy, last christmas it was hell, i had no where to go to cut no privacy i couldnt cope. then last summer same situation but i used it to help me, i managed all of summer si free, and i proved i could do it when i had to, so i should be able to do it back at uni. I've been si i free since last summer. Its as hard as hell and i crave it so much at times. But it can be done. like you said youve proved to yourself that you can do it as you did it over xmas, its easy to fall back into it when your away from family etc but dont let it get the better of you.
They wont through you off the course, as long as you are trying to get the better of it.
theres nothing wrong with not wanting to stop cutting. no one can force you to stop. you say you dont think you can handle uni and everything without cutting but have you tried?
overall i feel alot more stable when it comes to uni work and life at uni now im not si'ing, i feel that it restricted so much of what i did before.
it will be hard to adjust, but you have to weigh up the benefits of self harming against the negatives and see what you should do.
Thank you for all the advice. It's good to know i'm not alone.d
I only just started self harming again last term, and didn't SH for about 6 months before i went to uni (now in second year so went went at least 18 months without SHing)it's just this term the urges have become so overwhelming and lots of things in my life have just got harder. Plus i'm being haunted by things from the past that i thought i'd buried.
I'm just scared that i wasn't as well as i thought i was and maybe i rushed into this course too fast. But if i dropped out (pr was forced out) now, then i would feel like the biggest failure in the world and like i said it feels like it's my only reason for living.
Arrgh, i guess i can't really tell what this term's going to be like yet, i'm just a serious pessimist.
Last edited by sopranonut : 05-01-2008 at 11:16 PM.
Reason: needed to clarify something
Life breaks most of us in the end, but afterwards some of us are strong in the broken places
~ Ernest Hemingway
So i just got back to London this afternoon and i've cut already. I just couldn't resist the urge. I feel so lonely, i can't stand it in the this house. I feel like i have no 'real' friends in this house, or even in London, there isn't anyone i can talk to my problems about or tell anything. Nobody understands me at all and my housemates just get annoyed with me becuase they think i'm anti-social spending all m time in my room when we used to be friends. But they just can't understand me. I feel so so alone.
I haven't felt suicidal in a long long time, but i'm very close to it now.
Life breaks most of us in the end, but afterwards some of us are strong in the broken places
~ Ernest Hemingway
