|
Triggering (SI) - I'm back/new...it's been a LONG time...
Well, I am back to this board. I came here before, didn't post much, then thought I was ok so I stopped browsing. I guess I'm not as ok as I thought. I'm 26 so I should post here rather than the other self injury board. I am trying to stop. It's been a few weeks and using ice has been suggested to me. But then I found something else I could do and turned something that is supposed to help, into something bad. I hate myself everyday. I don't really know what to do. Everyday sucks. It's a new year, and my goal was to be happy but I guess that's not as easy as it sounds. I cannot stop dwelling on things that happened each day. Things that I look back and either feel stupid about, or I'm mad because I said something and it wasn't taken the right way (I am sarcastic and joke alot-maybe to put up a front), or the way I handled a situation-especially at work. My job is pretty stressful, but I like it and I make the best of it. Honestly it's probably the one thing that's kept me going for so long. That, and my animals. It's really stupid, I see a counselor, which I hate. I see a psychiatrist and I'm not sure how I feel about that. My mood is up and down each day. They have me on Lamictal which is for bi-polar but they've diagnosed me as depressed. I think I need more but I'm scared to take more because of what happened when they increased the last pill I was on. I went crazy. I don't really know what to do anymore. If counseling isn't helping, and pills are not bringing me back normal, what else can I do? I don't necessarily want to kill myself, I just want this all to stop. I've started just telling people about the cutting if they ask, because it's so pointless to hide it. I have this really weird relationship with my boss's boss. She is probably one of the best people I have ever met in my life. I can trust her which is not easy for me at all. She knows about all this. I tell her everything. I feel better after talking to her, better than when I talk to my counselor. But it sucks that my personal issues have been mixed with work. She insists that it's ok but I don't know. None of this affects my work in the least bit, but she told me she "worries about me." That makes me uneasy because I don't want people to worry about me, especially my boss. I seek her out a lot just to talk about anything so I can stop thinking about cutting for at least a little bit. She can always tell what's going on...I don't even need to say anything. ERRR! This is all a bunch of rambling but I'm having a really hard night. I can't stand to be alone, left to my own thoughts. I hate being around people but when I'm alone all I do is think about how much I suck. I need to work to keep busy but I can only work so much...a 2nd job is an option but I won't be able to find something I like enough to keep me positive. I don't know what to do, I just had to get all this out before I go insane. It probably doesn't make any sense, and probably belongs in a blog, but oh well. Maybe someone out there has some insight or at least can relate to all this...
|
