|
Triggering (SI) - New Years Eve
So really, I'd been pretty scared the few days building up to New Years Eve. My friend invited me to a party, because she didnt want me to be on my own, and she wanted me there to keep an eye on me. I wasn't going to drink, but I did. I didnt drink that much, because I realised how stupid i was being, but i had drank just enough to make me over emotional. I was pretty much the only one that wasn't totally wasted, and the only one of my friends that wasn't drunk, was too busy trying to patch stuff up with her ex, that she couldnt look after me. I just started crying and couldnt stop. Everybody kept asking me if I was alright, and I tried to pass it off by saying I was just really really tired. Whether anybody believed me, I dont know.
There was this guy there, that I didnt like, he was kinda creepy, and didnt even bother trying to talk to me. Apparently, if you put your arm around a girl and keep asking her if she's ok, whilst trying to get her upstairs.. it makes everything better. He pulled me on to the bed, and I just layed there, totally rigid, whilst trying to think of a way of getting out of the situation. So i sat up, and had my head in my hands. He got his mate to come in the room, asked me what was wrong again, so I said, yet again 'I'm just having a bad day, and i'm really tired' he took this as another oppurtunity to get me to lay down. I got up, walked off and ran. I ran down the road for a bit and sat on my own, when I'd got myself back together, I went back to the house and made sure I stayed around people, away from him.
It wasn't like he was horrible, which made me feel worse. But I was so confused, and scared. I have major trust issues with people. I was battling the urge to self harm, and ultimately committing suicide. I just wish that I hadn't been put in such an uncomfortable situation.
Basically, I started self harming again that night after two weeks and although that doesn't seem such a long time, it was so so hard trying to stop.
I was crying for about 3 hours straight. I feel so stupid, so stupid for crying in front of everyone like that. So stupid for how I acted with that guy, evryone must've thought I was such an idiot. I now realise why I like my own company so much. I'm just plain scared of people I dont know.
I'm scared of 2008. I'm scared that its never going to change.
I really needed to let this out, so thank you. But really, I wondered if anyone else would share their New Years Eve experiences, partly because it would make me feel a bit more comfortable, but also because I think it could help. Only if you feel comfortable with it though.
Thanks x
|
