if I'm completely honest, I'd tell you I actually WANT to be hospitalized. I *know* I need the help, but am SO 'logical' that I know I can't afford to. I can't afford to miss work and miss paying my mortgage and to have to tell my family I started burning, again. the messed-up part is that I actually WORK in in-patient Psych... and I secretly long to be a patient! Not here, mind you -- I'd just die -- but somewhere. I'm desperate to give up the control I've been stiving SO hard for SO many years to hold onto (by the tips of my fingers). I want to get help, but I know I'd fight it. I want to call the police on myself (anonymously), but I don't have the guts.
sheesh -- I'm a pretty pathetic coward.... I just don't know what to do.
I dont know what to say or i dont have any answers but i know that you are not a pathetic coward and maybe you should be honest with your family.It takes a whole weight off knowing that you dont have to hide so many secrets.
Your doctor might be the best person to speak to about the hospitalization thing.
Good luck
x
Hey I can relate to this -- I knida want to be readmitted again, just to know that some one cares and it is out of your hands, but, at the same time - like you, i cant afford to miss work or not pay my rent.
I think it shows you need more support that you are getting currently, do you have any professional support??
I know, realistically, that inpatient units really are not all that hot, and my experience taught me they dont always help all that much anyway - i dont know what your experiences are like working in one?
Hacve you though of maybe calling a crisis line or help line? sometimes i find all i need is someone to listen to me, then i can cope with real life easier.
I hope things get easier for you soon, hang on in there and keep fighting x x
Ineloquence and [anger]..
Ipromise I won't always love these selfish things [I wont always live in my regrets]
Hospitalisation can actually make things harder in the long run. I know it must seem really difficult that you've been holding on by the tips of your fingers, but hospitalisation is generally to get people back to the stage where they are holding on by the tips of their fingers (opposed to being six feet underground) and it can be really difficult experience. Also getting out of hospital is really hard if you've found solace there. There will never be a right time.
What I would recommend is seeking therapy and trying to get ebtter that way first. It's highly unlikely you'd be admitted to teh same hospital you're working at and generally hospitals aren't very nice places.
Wanna swap? i'm trying to get out of hospital but not allowed :(:(:(:(:(
You'll know when you need to go in.. I was ending up with multiple stitches daily until i took an overdose.. they haven't let me out since the OD.
it's like... I *want* to give up control, but I'm SO afraid to do it! I'm too logical... I've seen what happens! I need to keep living my life, but can't quite figure out how.
I say I'm a coward because I can never stay with any type of help. I don't even have a regular medical doctor! I was with my last therapist for maybe four months... and she was GREAT... but I just feel like I can figure things out just as quickly without their help... since I'm the one that has to do it for so many others just like myself on a daily basis!
wow.... I'm ranting, again. I have to go to work, now.
you're not ranting
i think generally patients figure it out quicker than their therapists cus theyr the ones living it...if that makes sense..
what do you think you'd gain from being hospitalised?
personally i really didnt like where i was admitted..but each to their own..and i also think only the individual knows when..well most of the time
sorry this is such a ramble, im basically just wondering apart from control why do you want to be admitted?
it's pretty much just that... control. I don't know if it makes sense, but sometimes I just get SO tired of trying to main control... I guess I just so strongly desire someplace where I can just finally LET GO... not spend 98% of my day just trying to maintain sanity and order. I feel *so* just... pent up, I guess... I just want someplace where I can just let it all go and reset.
yeh, i know what you mean...i think..
but you've got to question if going to a place like that really is the best thing.. i dont know, maybe it is? maybe allowing yourself a break from yourself by allowing others to care for you kinda thing will allow you to have a rest and build up your energy again
or maybe its not? maybe being there will break all the things that are helping you in the 'real world' and leave you more vunerable to yourself than you already are..
does that make any sense?
its a hard decision i think cus it could go either way... you spoken to a therapist or doctor or anyone about it?
...maybe being there will break all the things that are helping you in the 'real world' and leave you more vunerable to yourself than you already are..
does that make any sense?
What if I *want* to be broken...? If I want to be the Phoenix...? If I want to be the grain of wheat...? If I want to be purified by fire and sharpened by iron...?
I cannot be the willow in the spring if I dare not face the winter.
The thing is hospital is not like that. It does not miraculously fix you or make you feel better. Take it from someone who's been in hospital a lot, it can be hell and it can make you feel 10000 times worse. I know the feeling of wanting to just curl up in hospital and forget the world and be allowed to be out of control, but hospital is about regaining control, not losing it. It would also affect your job working in mental health.
Could you do something nice for yourself to formulate what you would like to get out of hospital in a better way, like letting yourself cry, have some you time, take a holiday, go on a day out?
Sometimes I want to be back in hospital too so I understand, and it must be harder for you actually working in one, cos I know if I have to visit someone just being in there makes me want to be back in. However, the thing is you lose some of your control when you're in there, you're told what time to get up, what time to eat, what to eat etc.
I guess our regiment is a little less structured than all of that. we're an acute care facility (versus long-term) so we don't have a necessarily 'required' schedule. heck, if you wanted to sleep all day, you could! (I wish!)
but that's probably beside the point......
I woke up late... guess I'm never really early. I hesitate, ONLY TO FAIL. I get so tired of procrastinating. I need a change.
I can realte to the wanting the controll taken away... i stopped eating...0 calories for a week... then I collapsed cos my blood sugar crashed..etcetc.. i couldn't cope with being in controll, i could no longer make my own deisions. I was completely worn through.... i was'nt allowed out of the unit (already impatient) and after escaping 4 times...6 suicide attempts.. i was put on 1to1... so no way out. So i figured the only thing i could do was starve myself.. i couldn't deal with not eating/eating... choices like that.. i needed the controll taken.. and it has been... and now its driving me INSANE!!! i can't deal with some idiot doctor running my life!! it's doing my head in, and i'm appealing... meeting with lawyer tues (eek!) .. but yeh.. try and ride it out for a couple of weeks/a month... if you're only feeling worse after 3 weeks, i'd say go into hosp before anything bad happens
best of luck, Emma
The thing is hospital is not like that. It does not miraculously fix you or make you feel better. Take it from someone who's been in hospital a lot, it can be hell and it can make you feel 10000 times worse. I know the feeling of wanting to just curl up in hospital and forget the world and be allowed to be out of control, but hospital is about regaining control, not losing it. It would also affect your job working in mental health.
Could you do something nice for yourself to formulate what you would like to get out of hospital in a better way, like letting yourself cry, have some you time, take a holiday, go on a day out?
so true...
it is so hard to come out of hospital once you've been in there for a while too...its best to be at home and face the problems. i found it took me a long time to adjust to being in 'reality' again x
Through the dark, a strand of light, the light continued to get bright, with it came the strength to fight (Gem)
