Triggering (SI/ED) - nervous breakdown on New Year's Eve...need support... (trigger: SI, ED, insomnia, suic..)

[Doesnt_matter]

Hi,
yesterday I had a nervous breakdown.
I was at a party with my best friend but he was really drunk and knew a lot of people at the party and kind of ignored me and I was not feeling good, so I did not try to speak to the other people there, although they seemed to be nice.

It started at around 23 o'clock. I was feeling worse any minute because I had too much time to think.
I am sooo afraid of this new year and during the last weeks, my hope has been fading.
Everything always has been getting worse and worse in my life and I have lost my hope that it will get better at all anytime.

I hardly sleep or I sleep much too much.
I do hardly eat anything.
I am afraid of my future.
I have lost controll over my life,
My OCD is worst than it has ever been.
My depression is sooo strong.
I think much too much and worry much too much.
My arms looks worst than ever.
I am afraid that I cannot make my university diploma because I have to do a practical internship and I cannot work regularly because of my mental problems (and nobody wants me though...only refusals after my application interviews).
I am afraid, I will never be able to work at all.


So, yesterday I had a nervos breakdown at the party between 23.30 till almost 24 o'clock.
The host of the party and one of her friends were really lovely and they tried to calm me and then, finally, they kind of forced my best friend to speak with me and first, he was pissed because of my mental state but then, he was really nice.

The fireworks distracted me and after that, I had even a little fun but well, my problems are still THERE and I know that I have been losing controll over my life .

I am thinking of going to a mental hospital during my next holidays (February - April).
Well, last time (in 2006) I left a clinic after six days because I cannot trust most doctors and I could not cope with all the rules there.

I am so sorry that at the moment, I cannot help others as much as I want to and I am not sure if it is O.K. to write something negative now because it might pull others down.

So sorry,
Judith

[sopranonut]

Of course it's ok to write this. I'm so sorry you're feeling this bad and a difficult start to the new year. We are here for you, if you feel you can't help others at them moment that's absolutely fine, we all have those times when we just need support ourselves.

Do you have a psychiatrist or something that you can talk to about this soon?

[Doesnt_matter]

Thanks for writing this and for the hugs!

I will see my therapist on Thursday and I will see my psychiatrist on Tuesday and I am afraid to tell them how I am doing right now because I do not want to go to a clinic right now because I want to be able to celebrate my birthday at the end of this month in "freedom".
I am afraid that I will lose my therapist because I am too "crazy" for ambulant therapy.
My psychiatrist has always been prefering seeing my inside a clinic but he could not force me to go because I am not suicidal (or at least, I did not tell him when I was).

[red_petal]

I'm so sorry you didn't have a good new year :(
I think, writing a big list like that of negatives may seem a bit overwhelming but you could maybe chose one at a time and try to slowly work through it with or without the help of your therapist.
I hope things get better for you soon :)
Take care
xo

[sopranonut]

I'm glad that it's not too long until you see your therapist and psychiatrist. I really think that you do need to be honest with them though, it's very difficult to engage with therapy if you are not completely honest, they really need to know exactly how you are feeling.

If you're scared your doctor ill admit you to hospital can you explain why you do not want to go yet? (like you do above) and say that you are willing to go during your next holidays? He may listen and be able to make a deal with you that you can wait, especially if you explain it so rationally and i'm sure he will appreciate the honesty.

I really hope you can feel better soon and things work out for you.

[Doesnt_matter]

Thank you so much for your helpful advices and tips!

Well, I am "still" dealing with the aftermath of my breakdown. I feel like sh*t most time, I have lost my hope and I feel like I am a failure because of my breakdown .

My main problem is that now, my therapist is quite p*ssed because she has gotten the impression that the therapy does not help me (enough) and even, if I never said anything about that her work is not good enough (and I do not even THINK this), she must feel like this because of the things she said .
Because of her behaviour, I even did not dare to say anything about my idea of going into a clinic .

I mean, the chemical inside my brain is f*cked up right now and I guess just a weekly session seems not to be enough for me and that has nothing to do with her but with that an ambulant therapy cannot "controll" my eating and sleeping behaviours and they cannot motivate me while I need it most (like when it is time to eat and sleep).

[sopranonut]

Sorry you're not feeling much better.
I can't believe your therapist said this to you. Therapy is not a two way relationship as such, you should not have to consider your therapists feelings in the same way as you would a friend. She is there to help you and should not be putting her own feelings on you. She is a professional and should be able to deal with these feelings on her own. I'm sorry that she's not being very helpful.
I really think you should try and tell her your ideas on this at your next session, it seems really wrong that her own feelngs are affecting you and the help that you recieve.

[Doesnt_matter]

Thank you sopranonut for your answer!
I was quite shocked because of her reaction and I hope that she will be nicer next session because I do not want to confront her.
Perhaps she just had a bad day and I guess, she is a bit of frustrated because I started SIing regularly again and I also have developed an ED.

I still feel down and desperate and sooo tired and I guess that's all the aftermath of my breakdown .

[Doesnt_matter]

I still feel like sh*t most of the time. I'm so exhausted and sad and tired and I guess that it is still the aftermaths of my breakdown.

....triggering....

The day after New Year's eve I talked with my best friend about my breakdown and that I lost all my hope and he said something like that "Well, then you can jump from a bridge, in front of a train or cut a bit deeper."

Well, after that he said that he wanted to provoke me with this but it triggers me a lot.
I mean, my friends are almost the only reason for me to stay alive (well, and my parents) and if even my best friend suggested me suicide and seems to give me up.

After that, we wrote each other mails but I did not dare to talk about the things he said.

[Doesnt_matter]

I just talked with my best friend about the things he said and he was really nice and I guess that it is O.K. now (well, at least one problem is solved ).

Tomorrow, I will see my psychiatrist and I am nervous and afraid that he will send me into a clinic at once.

Well, and on Wednesday I will see my therapist and I hope that this session will be better than the last.

On Friday, I will have an application interview and I am afraid of it.
I am torn between worrying that an internship is too hard to handle for me right now and the hope that it could my life a bit sense again.

I still feel sooo sad and tired, although my best friend has even be able to make me laugh a few times.
Yeah, and my oral presentation today was quite O.K., I guess, too.

But still I miss hope and some longer good moments.

[Doesnt_matter]

In two hours I will see my psychiatrist and I am so f***ing afraid to tell him how I feel and in what mental state I have been being during the last weeks.
I haven't slept last night because I was so nervous and now I feel even more exhausted than yesterday...
...and tomorrow I will see my therapist again.
On Friday will be my application interview.

What a heavy, exciting (in a bad way) week!

Please think of me!

[88shelz]

hi there. just passing by to say i hope things with your psyc went ok. xx

[Doesnt_matter]

Thanks for your wishes.

I am not feeling better but I am a bit relieved because the appointment was quite O.K..
My psychiatrist said that I should try to remind myself that I had better phases last week, so there must be a potential in myself to feel better, although I can hardly believe in it right now.

Thank you so much everybody!

[88shelz]

yeah it get s hard to believe things get better.
you just have to try keep yourself strong til things do get better.
glad your appointment was ok.
keep reminding ur self that things will be ok.,
...xxx

[Doesnt_matter]

Thanks Michelle for giving me hope!

The appointment with my therapist was O.K. and not so frustrating as last week's appointment.

But I did not dare to say something about how much her words last weeks has irritated me.