I haven't been around much lately. Usual excuses - hard time, busy, working and blocks on RYL there etc etc. Doesn't excuse it really.
I'm sorry I'm just Not Good Enough. I honestly try my best but my best is never good enough. Being me isn't good enough. I get home for five minutes after being away and it's just URGH. It makes me want to pull my hair out or smash my face in or just something. It's horrible.
I miss my friends. I miss Uni. I miss feeling safe and loved. I miss feeling like someone special. I miss cutting. After my last couple I said I'd give up but I just want to so so so much.
I went to see "I am legend" last night. Sat through 40 minutes and had to leave I was so scared. It's a ****ing 15. The person I was with wasn't amused. Anyway, I don't think he, or anyone, realises that I am actually petrified now. I honestly didn't think it'd be as bad as it was. And now I'm jumpy as **** and stuff. I couldn't sleep last night I was so scared, even though one of the few people I trust 100% was in the same room as me. I couldn't even have a ****ing shower incase a zombie was on the other side of the shower curtain.
I suck.
And I feel like the most alone person in the world ever right now.
I love you (as do lots of people - true,they're not as spectacularly amazing as me,but we can't all be,can we? =P) you'll be okay (because I can't think of anything else to write that won't leave me typing for hours and boring you to death,and really,I REALLY don't want that.)
I love you,and I care and I'm here and I think you're amazing.
EDITED BECAUSE CHELSEA LIKES TO POINT OUT MY FLAWS.
Last edited by Ash* : 01-01-2008 at 08:04 PM.
"Watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it."
"Watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it."
you havent messed up here or anything, dont worry about it.
as for i am legend, i went to see it and it is bloody terrifying! i sat through most of it with my eyes closed so dont think just because its a 15 you shouldnt have been scared. it had that horrid nervous feeling all the way through.
The **** i've been through isn't bad enough.
I'm not a nice enough person.
haha, im a selfish ****.
this hurts.
it really ****ing hurts.
and it's tearing me apart.
The **** i've been through isn't bad enough. I'm not a nice enough person. haha, im a selfish ****.
this hurts.
it really ****ing hurts.
and it's tearing me apart.
Everything in bold there? Yeah? Lies. Well, not to you, you perceive them to be true, but to everyone else? Complete bullshit. But like, I love you even though you're lying. (Even though you don't think you're lying).
You ARE good enough. You're an amazing friend, to the point of ringing people at 8am when they're busy sleeping to make sure they're ok. You're funny, a little crazy admittedly, but GREAT to be around. You're not selfish by a long stretch. Look at what you do for people around you, for your sister, for your friends and you do it without it being expected of you. If I phoned you, upset and needing someone, chances are you'd be there for me unless you had something really pressing going on. (Migraines count in that btw).
I'm not going to go through what's happened, or whatever, but hell, you've been through a LOT Chels. A hell of a lot and I actually got quite upset when I realized the extent of it, because I was that pissed off that anyone would do that to you. You didn't deserve it, any of it. I'm not at all surprised that you can't deal with it right now and I really do think you need to get yourself to a counsellor of some description? I don't know if your Uni offers it, but you were looking into it before you left, is that something you could do?
I know what I've written is only vaguely coherent, but I really do care and you really are a wonderful person. I'm always here if you need me. (Trust me, I didn't even get dressed today).
I understand about the movie. This was 15+ years ago but your experience brought back the memory:
My hubi and I watched Silence of the Lambs. Then that night there was a mild/moderate earthquake, not unusual here. At the time we lived in a neighborhood where I wouldn't walk alone at night and it was getting worse and the house we lived in was haunted my my husband's granddad. The next evening my husband had plans to be away from the house. I'm so glad I could talk to my mother in law and not totally freak out. Now I can laugh at myself. Back then I was terrified.
i've given myself permission to not watch or read horror and suspense, no matter how good someone says it is.
It is so easy for us to feel bad about ourselves. I don't like what I see in the mirror sometimes. I don't like my employment history or defects of character. I'm learning how to turn things around too. I'm not just a fidget, I get lots of crocheting and needle work done. If I watch my boundaries, i'm not nosy, just curious.
You're not awful. You're human. It's okay. You're not selfish. You are good enough. Find good names to call yourself.
Bear Hugs!
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
Hey Chels, What's brought all this on! In all the times that I've spoken to you Ive never found u to be anything other than a very caring human being! What's really upsetting u just now? x
i actually havent felt this bad in a long long time.
like, a year.
plus.
october 06 time?
maybe.
probably since then, but that's the last time i remember feeling like this.
Chels I am very worried about you. You are not a slut you are a chels I am about on msn or anything if you need me. Take care my lovely and Im about
xxxxxx
