this is starting to weigh on me. i've never been THAT close to suicide. i guess i think about it alot, but ive never felt so terrible as to seriously attempt it. but its like its always there. its like deep down, i just know i'll kill myself eventually. this has been going on for several years.
its sort of morphed into this notion of killing myself when i turn 30. i'm 20 now, so that would make it the most long term plan i have ever made. the way i see it, i have ten years to convince myself otherwise.
i can write all these above things very unemotionally because i've thought about them many many times, even when i'm not upset. these thoughts are just sort of there. but it scares me that i've accepted this whole scheme so easily and so completely. its like theres a division between some of me that says its a good idea and another that says its crazy.
i don't really know where i'm going with this, and i've always had difficulty making posts with actual questions that are, you know, easy to answer. i guess i just want toknow if this sounds familiar to anyone. what do you make if it?
This sounds ever so familiar. When I was 18 I said I would live until 25 and then that's it. A lot of things have changed since then. I'm 22 now and a very different person from who I was when I made that decision. I can't offer any definite reassurance that things will change for you like they did for me, but I will say that 10 years is a long time. By then, your situation is likely to have changed, and you're likely to have changed as a person. There's nothing we can say for sure in this world. So instead of thinking that you have 10 years to convince yourself otherwise, just let life take its course. The decision to live on will not come suddenly one day, but with any luck, living will become more and more acceptable, until one day, when you won't even entertain the idea of ending it all.
30 is the new best age of your life. :)
But seriously, I do know how it is to be very unemotional and cold about these type of things. I think it happens when you've so convinced yourself of something, it becomes part of your predictable future. Like "tomorrow I'm going to the grocery store", "I'm an intrinsically bad person", "I think in five years I'll probably be in medical school", "I'll kill myself in a few years".
Always scares me too. But if you can convince yourself it will happen, it's just as easy to convince yourself that it won't happen. Just takes time.
*hugs*
Hope you start feeling better about your situation soon. PM me if you like...I'm around a few times a day. I'm all about listening to rants. :)
D'Arcy
Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae.
Lambchop, LadyMacbeth, Butterfly525, and Moonchild are my sisters. Ruffle is my daughter. That Faery Kid is my kitty!
It sounds really quite familiar to me brian! I'm nearly turning twenty and last year was very erratic for me to say the least. Went through thinking about suicide so much and attempting it a few times but some days I would just wake up thinking Im going to kill myself today, I'm going to die not because I want to but just because thats the way it feels. If that makes any sense whatsoever! No I think I know what you mean setting yourself goals 10 years is a long time though and hopefully by then you will have new life goals and a more positive attitude. It is hard when all you do is think about suicide and it seems like the most normal thing in the world. When I first started thinking about these things they were very erratic and very emotional but it dulled and I became void and senseless, a holiday would feel the exact same as a suicide attempt. I really hope you get things sorted for yourself and you are able to see yourself in a more positive light. Life can get better. Take care xx
When i was with my now ex boyfriend, We made a sort of deal that we would kill ourselves when i turned 40 (he's 7 years older than me) anyway we've broken up now, but i still don't really want to get past 40, i'm not sure i can even see myself making it that far.. but it's weird i'm never really feeling down when i think about it..
I think for various reasons i've got no inclination to plan too far.. I just about cope with going day to day without being scared of the prospect of being me for another 60 years or whatever life expectancy is these days...
It sounds like you are planning to convince yourself to stay alive and 10 years is a very long time, alot can and will happen in that time and you will grow and change as a person, so hopefully it will be for the better for you.. That being said even if you get 10 years down the line and still feel down there is no firm decision made by you on it, it's easy to plan for something so far off, but when it comes to it, things can be very different.. I hope you do convince yourself otherwise and that the next 10 years of your life are beautiful and happy.
