Ok its been a while since i last wrote on here. i just wanted to let some stuff out on how the past 3 years have gone without S/H. alright the last i remember was when i was in year 10 just before valentines, it was a night where i said my goodbyes to the blades.
For me my blade was a friend in a strange way, it was a comfort thing, i always knew it was there, so that last time i cut it was like giving up on dis functional relationship (its strange... i know lool) but i remember the day like yesterday. January 25th 2005, i sat in my room cutting like i never cut before tears in my eyes dripping into the blade,(the reason why i was cutting at that time was family problems and i just broke up with the girl i loved). i was up to the early hours of the morning wondering how i will go on living my life with Self harming.
Omg the first week was the hardest, it was like the days wouldn't end. so months went by i tired alot of other activities instead of S.h, i tired everything but the best that work 4 me were: Walks, Sleep and writing. these 3 were what got me through. the walks were to help me think things through, the sleeping was to help me forget and the writing was there as a Friend.
So months past and i reach 6 months without Self harming, i was proud of myself, so i went out for a walk to think about the past six months. after my walk i get a phone call from a good friend telling me that my ex was going out with a person who was trying to break me and her up(its a longer story and we would be here for days). anyways i end up loosing it that night, and started smoking again and while having a fag, i decided to find my old blades. once i had my blade i was about to begin but my phone gave and it was that good friend and i just stopped and started to cry. i explain to her about not cutting and she helped me through, with resulted me not cutting that day.
so after another 6-8 months i fell out with my brother and had one of the biggest arguments of my life, and there i was again sticking the knife back that my wrist wanting to cut. but something was holding me back like never before, i wanted to do it so badly but couldn't. that was the hardest for me in the 3 years of recovery.
im wont waste more time explaining each month and that but im worried that im getting these urges to cut again and being the new year is around i might throw away 3 years of commitment.
recently i had the urge to cut and watch the blood poor out,
sorry to cut short my laptop batteries about to die and i dunno where the charger is.
thank you for listening and sorry if i have wasted your time
ill wright part to if this part makes sense and people understand it
imyspace-
www.myspace.com/shabz01
