I completely freaked out this morning. My father and I were supposed to be out the door to church at eight thirty (my mother goes earlier). I set the alarm for seven thirty so I could read the newspaper and walk the dog before leaving, but when I woke up the alarm had not gone off and my clock said it was nine. It was probably a combination of having not slept for more than six hours a night for a few weeks and being under a lot of pressure, but I sort of went crazy. Don't really know what happened. Anyway, Dad came up perfectly innocently and I freaked out at him, which he did not deserve. Then he went off and I... melted down? I don't think I was really in control of myself. It was very disturbing and not pleasant. The upshot of the unpleasantness is that my good sweater will be going into the trash because it has blood on it, and I had to tape bandages to my legs to keep from staining my pants. Yeah. I know this sounds absolutely mad, and it does to me, too. I remember the whole thing extremely vividly, how I was feeling and what everything was like, and now I'm down I look back and think, "Who the hell was that girl? Why would she do that?" I just lost it. Over the course of a few minutes I went from washing my face to being in tears muttering "Not deep enough." And once I had calmed down that freaked me out even more, so I was a wreck when we left the house.
The whole episode has really worried me. I am all right and taking care of myself – like it says above, I look back and can't even imagine that. Feel like I don't even know that girl, like it was somebody else, but the cuts on my legs say differently. So, how worried should I be? How bad was this? What the hell happened? Any advice or help you can give me would be greatly appreciated.
since i have stopped si-ing, i always look bak at the scars and wonder, who was that that did that to me, or how could i hav done that to myself? although i didn't hav an episode like you, i don't believe that it as such a big deal. if you hav a therapist, i suggest you telling them wut happened, if not, try talking to someone who knows about your si-ing. or try telling someone what your going through.after i told one of my best friends, i finally had someone that understood wut i was going through and someone i could talk to. good luck on your journey!i hope that you can soon stop si-ing.again GOOD LUCK!!!
Hey, thanks for your reply :). It helps knowing this isn't totally drastic – I've been cutting for a few years, but never lost it quite like that before. I think that might have frightened me more than the cutting itself. Anyway, thank you.
About a year ago, I lost it like that, I came home and the house was empty, and I remember feeling just so angry with myself, and then a few hours later i kinda came back around and i was sat my arms covered in blood and my thighs bruised and cut up. I remember being totally petrified, that I didn't remember what I'd done to myself. There were mirrors smashed up in my room my bedroom looked like i'd been burgaled ,and I'd obviously written in my diary during all this time, because a few days later i found my diary under my bed the pages all blood stained and really crazy stuff written there, that i have neer been able to put into words before.
In some ways I think loosing it like that let out a lot of pain for me, because it was a couple of days before i next self harmed, but It still really scares me, even now, that i lost control like that, because for me, feeling in control of myself and my life is something i have always liked to gain from self harming.
I think sometimes when we get overwhelmed by emotions, we just block it out, and our emotional memory tries to pretend it never happened. But obviously our bodies can tell a different story, scars etc. I don't really know what to say that might be of any help, maybe just that you aren't alone in experiencing this, and that as much as it can be really frightening, sometimes it will have helped to let out alot of pain.
Loosing control is horrible, but try to think more that you have come through it the other side, and that you are looking after yourself,
