Not sure what I'm trying to achieve but posting this but ah well.
I dunno I guess everything's getting too much for me. I've started cutting more, well pretty much just slashing my wrists as hard as I can, and Iv'e been taking overdoses more often, I guess you could call them half assed suicide attempts. Because I feel like I don't care whether I ive or die anymore.
My eating's got more erratic, I've started purging, pretty pathetically but I guess it still counts, because it makes me feels worse than starving does. Then I cut after because I just feel fat and pathetic...and I dunno but it's just turned into a vicious cycle and I'm missing the control I used to have. Hmm what else? Oh yeah I'm drinking at every available oppurtunity, in the hope to fuck up my liver even more than all the overdoses I've ever taken have.
I've just hit rock bottom, crying all time and feeling pathetic sorry for myself. And I don't even know why. I have nothing to complain about really...
Sorry. That had no point to it.
Claire,
Is there anything that has triggered all this off?
It might be worth going to speak to your doctor about it all, because taking ODs will not be doing you any good. And although you say you don't care if you live or not, you must care a little bit or else you wouldn't have posted.
It's difficult to "snap out of" a cycle like that, but if you try your hardest to fight the urges to cut and OD, it will get easier over time.
Also, you are no way at all fat. I've met you (dunno if you'll remember me or not) and you're lovely and beautiful. It might not mean much coming from me, but i honestly mean it.
Take care of yourself,
and I would have a serious think about speaking to your doctor and getting some help, because it sounds like you really need it.
Sounds like things are really hard for you at the moment *squishes* especially with the increase in self-harm behaviours. As Steph has asked, did anything trigger this?
It sounds like you're struggling to cope with what is going on inside your head and your world at the moment, and your need for control of these things is showing through perhaps in your behaviours.
Do you see anyone, such as a professional or a counsellor you could talk to? If not; try speaking with your doctor because you don't have to go through this alone and that's only going to make it harder on yourself, and darling you really don't need that.
Your self harm & eating disorder behaviours are really dangerious Claire, and I know that you might be pretty apathetic to the whole thing at the moment, but they can do some serious damage that you'll be feeling once you've well and recovered from all of this (ah - and you will get there.) So please, do get some more support and help through this so you're not overwhelming yourself to this level.
Thankyou =)
And yeah, I honestly have no idea what's making me do all this. I also feel like things have to get worse to get better, which I know isn't tru but it doesnt stop me doing it anyway... I have so many contradictions in my head.. but they all rule me.... if that makes any sense =3
Yeah it's understandable - I often get myself down to a really low point and people ask why I didn't get help sooner, and it just, well, I never do!
Maybe now is a time for you to sit down and realise that things don't need to get any worse before you reach out for that support. Now is the time to do it. I know it can be really hard to get out of it when you're in that destructive phase, please try and open up with someone around you. You need to stop suffering this badly sweetheart, I really do feel for you.
*cuddles super tight*
You deserve help sweetheart
I really think it'd be a good idea to talk to somebody. You shouldn't have to fight this alone.
I, for one, love you too much to lose you.
I know you can fight this and get through and be happy with the way you are.
You do NOT need this illness. I promise you Claire there's so much more to you than that.
*cuddles more*
Always here for you
xx
The only time you will find real light is when you're searching in the dark..
