Triggering (Sexual Abuse) - 10 years later and still haunted

[eeyores friend]

10 years ago i was repeatedly raped and abused by my ex-boyfriend which led to me being pregnant and I ended up having abortion on new years eve.

Its coming to that time of year and it still gets to me. I*ts not exactly a date to forget. I cant let it go or come to terms with it. I feel so guilty and ashamed and sad and cant believe that I did this to a little baby.

I should have kept the baby no matter what - I should have faced the consequences but no i had to kill it and destroys its life as well as mine and my ex.

I now have a 3 year old boy who lives with his dad and i am only allowed supervised contact with him and I resent him so much because of what I had done years ago. I should never have been allowed to ever have children again.

How an earth am i going to get through the next few days. Why do i let it bother me. Will it ever go away.

Shell

[Seraphsigh]

*hugs tightly*
All I can offer is good vibes.
You can get through it. Keep working on your happiness and stamina.
xoxoxoxoxo

[blondiebear]

It may never go away. You may just have to accept the pain and it may become a part of you so that it won't be so severe, it will just be part of the noise of your body and heart and soul. Hope that makes sense.

A dear friend of my family died New Year's Eve in 1990 or 91. He helped me get through my teen years. At midnight after i sip my cider and kiss my husband, I raise a glass to my friend in his memory.

*Offers you some tissues*

A major cherishing bear hug to you.

[crazykat]

*Holds you tight*
I am so sorry that this time of year brings you so much pain and bad memories. The memories and pain of this may never fully go away and probaly will remain a part of you, but with time and the right support the intensity and rawness of it will go away. Have you ever spoken to a counsellor or anyone about this to try and work through it so you are able to cope with it better. I know its hard to accept but at the time you did what you had to at the time to deal with this and survive. Its understandable you feel that way towards your son, seeing him probaly brings up alot of feelings for you but don't be hard on yourself you are doing the best you can. Please be gentle with yourself and know that we are all here for you through this hard time. You can and will get through this. If you ever need to talk feel free to PM me. Take care of yourself and stay safe
Kat xxx

[pea soup]

im so very sorry. anniversaries like these can be very painful. try not to beat yourself up so much.
i dont have much more than that.
but i do believe that with time....the pain will lessen.
much much love and *snuggles*
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Bitter_Angel]

Firstly, none of that was our fault.
You didnt ask for him to rape you.
And although it is painful getting rid of a child, deep down you know that you did the right thing. Imagine if you hadnt. And that child grew up an found out the truth. Can you imagine how hard that would be. So you did do the right thing. Sometimes the right thing causes more pain than anything else though. Please try to forgve yourself for what happened, then perhaps you will be able to move on and the pain will lessen a little bit. Give yourself time.
Perhaps this year you could write a letter to the baby you lost. Explain why you did what you did. Light a candle on New Years eve for the baby and burn the letter.
I hope you can find some clousure from this.

Take care
Kim

[amum]

i agree with the above reply. having the abortion is nothing you should feel guilty about. Yes it was a life, but what sort of life would that baby have come into, and learned about its beginning.

I have children too, one nearly the age of your son. Have you been to any sort of counselling? it seems a natural reaction to me that you would push away a child when you still feel terrible over the abortion. It doesnt make you a bad mum just a damaged one that needs support.

I will be thinking of you tomorrow xxx