things have been going ok, not great but iv been staying alive
the voice has been quieter, it never goes but it has quietened down abit
but then tonight out of nowhere it just started to get louder..nothing happened, nothing triggered me
and now im left with this overwhelming urge to kill myself..i just cant think, everytime i try to rationalise the situation the voice just gets louder
i just wish someone could get inside my head and take it all away, just release some of the pressure inside my mind..but thats impossible, thats never going to happen
im just tired, of fighting all the time, and hiding everything
when i came out of hospital i opened up to my closest mates, told them where id been for the past month and everything and they were amazing and for a while iv been completely honest with them...but now i feel myself drifting from them again, not telling them the truth..i mean i love them to bits but they dont understand, not really
iv gotta get through tonight so i can see my mate in london, i know that...but what about after that? i didnt think id make it to see christmas..but i did..but im not happy about that, i wish i was dead, then all this shit would just go away
I here what you are saying about fighting... sometimes after what seems like a life time of fighting, giving up seems like the best option. But you have to think of yourself how well you've done already... perhaps with a bit of help from your family and friends, you can all fight together? I know it's hard to reach out for help when people don't really understand but you have to think, is there a human being who completely understands another human being? We are all different and I'm sure if your friend's have been amazing til now then they will be if you reach out to them.
You're obviously proud in the fact you made it to Christmas. Why not celebrate, treat yourself to something for doing so well. Having small goals like seeing someone in London is a great way of keeping on the right track. Have you considered setting a small goal each day or every couple of days. Keep strong hun. And take care
Sophie.x
Soon... Now will be then...Today will be yesterday... Present will be past...And thought will be memory... So...Live for the future! Make your future how you want it!
right now im feeling shattered and confused
but im just trying to keep myself busy cus from tonight onwards for the next few nights im at friends all the time so im gonna be constantly around people and i dont wanna think past that atm
hey, nice talking to you on MSN, it's been great. im sorry your feeling down, and low at the moment, but it will pass, you silenced this voice before, im sure you can do it again, please just try? we love you Saz, keep safe ok?
RYL Family
Bleedingdragon (Dad)
For It's Easier For Man To Destroy The Light With In Himself,
Hello there im so sorry to hear that things have gone downhill. I think you have done so well though i really do. You are so brave. Im pleased that your going to keep yourself busy and that your going to be round lots of people, as being on your own when your really down brings lots of problems on and can end up making you worse. We all care about you so much but i just want to say that i think your doing really well you might not htink it yourself but i think you have come such a long way through all the problems that you have had.
I really care about you and i dont want to see anything happen to you. Im so proud of you i really am. Please keep fighting through this we are all here for you to support you. I hope that things get better soon for you. Im really sorry that you have had such a difficult time. You dont deserve this at all. Your such a brilliant person and i know that ahead of you is going to be a life full of happiness. That is what you deserve. If you ever need someone to talk to please dont hesitate to pm me.
dont let the voice get the better of you you cant give in to it we wont let you.you must try your hardest to ignore it otherwise you are fuelling the voice and giving it exactly what it wants.
of course your mates dont understand completely what you're going through but they are your mates and want to help you you have to try and be as honest as you can with them they will only want to help you through this difficult time.
you can do this, keep making plans to do things with people you care about who can help support you and distract you.
hey i didnt think i'd make it past christmas either but i did and so did you, and you have so much more of your life to live.
beat this stupid voice hunny you can do it
keep posting on here as much as you can and we will help you through this:)
update us all soon on how you're feeling
saty safe and i'm glad you've got mates to stay with for the next few days and you dont have to think past that at this point just concentrate on one day or one second at a time
thanks for all your replies, they really do mean alot
im back home alone for the night cus iv gotta see my psych at 9am tomorrow and being at hoem for the night is the only way il make it on time
i do love my mates to bits, and i know its true that noone can ever truely understand someone else. im just fed up of burdening them with crap..i mean everyones got problems of their own and im sick of adding to them. i mean everyones helped me loads and everyones been lovely but i cant help listening to the voice when its telling me what they really think and how much im hurting people
and atm i cant help listening to the voice about how much better off people would be if i was dead. it stopped telling me that for a bit, told me different things, but now its back to telling me that. cus people who know whats up, well they can carry on their lives without having anymore hurt, worry and the people who think im a happy go lucky person will never have to be hurt by me and can remember me as that person they thought i was
and the more the voice tells me this the more it makes logical sense. dont get me wrong i am trying so hard to fight this, iv been staying at friends for a week so iv not had 2 minutes alone really to do anything...but the voice has still been chatting away to me..and now im on my own tonight im kinda scared..i dunno
sorry this really is such a ramble, i find it so hard to express whats going on in my head properly
Despite what it tries to convince you, the voice isn't logical at all. When the cloud lifts you'll see it for what it is. Depression can really distort things.
i hope you don't listen to the voice...it's lying your mates wouldn't be better off without you....it sounds to me like your mates really do care about you...i know what it feels like to feel you're just a burden to everyone that's how i feel, but if your mates keep inviting places then that means they don't feel that way...i'm sure they'd tell you if they did....keep coming on here and maybe call one of your mates as well the voice just wants to destroy you, but everything it tells you is lies...we're all here
Hey Saz. I'm really sorry you feel so bad I'm sorry I haven't been able to reply to texts, phone dead and all
I haven't got much advice at the moment, as you know, I'm kinda down too. But I hope you're going to be ok. You never have to listen to the voice, take care x.
On a long enough time line, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.
but the more i try to question the voice the more logical it seems cus it comes up with new counter arguments..and its just constantly there telling me im shit and to die..
and i cant ignore it, it never goes away..therapy is doing bollocks..but i havent told him the voice tells me to kill myself..and i dont think i need meds or anything...i just dont know what to do anymore
the only thing keeping me alive atm is the fact my mate wont let me leave his flat, he doesnt want me on my own..he doesnt know the voice is telling me to kill myself though. and between me and the voice we have a specific plan how to do it which cant be fulfilled here..
i just dont know what to do, i cant ignore it and it wont go away..i just feel like shit and want to die
listen sweety you need to tell your therapist everything the voice tells you because if you don't your therapist won't know how serious the situation really is and won't be able to fully help you....if you feel really close with your mate then maybe you need to open up to him/her and tell them everything....i might even suggest calling an ambulance because the fact that your mate is watching over you is nice and caring, but he/she can't watch over you forever and who knows what you'll do when you're alone....i'm worried you sound very unstable...please keep us updated....
i cant tell my mate cus hes going thru shit himself atm and i know worrying about me wil just make him worse
i cant open up to my therapist, one reason being the voice tells me not to, n trust stuff. n i dont want t end up back in hospital...i said id never go back in hospital or even go 2 a&e ever again
i mean theres so much going on in my head that i cant begin to explain to anyone cus even i dont understand what goes on..all i know is it makes me want to die...i mean just curl up and die and i know when i have a chance thats what ill do..i just cant do this anymore..
please keep fighting, i love you loads and i had the best time when you came to stay. I know how hard youre finding things but youre still here and please dont give up now cos if you do all the fighting youve done will be for nothing.
im so very proud of you youre one of the strongest people i know. youre amazing and kind and special (!) and you made me well happy having you here cos it was just ace.
i know paddy is a bit crappy at times but please tryand open up to him, maybe write it down, just try.
im always here for you and couldnt bare to lose you xxx
"If only everyone could know and live with their inner craziness…people would be fairer and happier." Paulo Coelho
I'm sorry I haven't been able to reply to texts, phone dead and all 
