So, I'm home from college which means that I have pretty much no one to hang out with. I have all of 3 friends from highschool that I still talk to and one is staying at college over the summer, the other is insanely busy all the time, and the last one isnt coming home til the end of the month and he's moving to Florida in August so I have like a month with him. I just feel like a fat lump that does nothing all day. I just sit around. I don't have a job yet 'cause no one wants to hire people just for the summer it would seem and my parents keep acting like it's obviously me just not doing anything to go out and get a job >.< They don't help. On top of that, I feel so insanely lonely. My best friend lives in MD...I'm in NY by the way...so I don't see her and I feel like I just depress her when I talk about this stuff even though she tells me to vent to her if I need to. I just don't know what to do. I haven't had a significant other in I can't even remember how long and I'm not sure how much longer I can go it alone. My aforementioned friend Mark and I have potential I guess but it just never seems to work out. He had a thing for me in HS and I didn't return his feelings for a few reasons, one of which is he did not attempt to understand my SI just found it repulsive etc etc and now I guess I could see myself dating him, but he's going to be home for about a month before he moves to Florida and I don't know when I could see him or if he'd be up for any kind of long distance thing. I just don't know. I realize this is mad long and I'm sorry for posting a book here, I just didn't know where else to say it at this wee hour of the night. I guess I just feel worthless and pathetic and lonely. I don't see myself dating anyone in the near future 'cause who'd wanna date someone as fat and useless as myself. I know I wouldn't. God, I hadn't cut for about a year until last semester and at this point it's been about a month, but God I want to. I have an uncanny ability to make myself feel like utter crap. *sigh* I should just go to bed and hope to feel better in the morning, but I know I won't. I'll just wake up to my parents' ****. The funny thing is that they know I "used to" cut, but they don't at all take into consideration the fact that what they say or do makes me feel awful. They just say I'm being dramatic or some similar BS. Ugh. Okay, I'm really done now. Thanks for sticking with it if you've made it this far.
I want to stay in love with my sorrow.
Oh, but God, I want to let it go.
If you look in the mirror and don't like what you see, you can find out first-hand what it's like to be me.
You'll need a symphony to give sympathy to the girl with the worst luck in town.
When I care, it curls me up on the floor and I swear I can't do it anymore.
Hey there,
*huggles for you* Just wanted to let you know I read. And congratulations on a year free. So what if you've slipped up, it was still an entire year!!! :]
Try really hard not to fall back down that route again though, you must know it's not worth it otherwise you wouldn't have stopped previously.
Also I'm in exactly the same boat on the back from uni trying to find a summer job thing. But we must keep at it, there must be someone out there who wants/has to employ us, eh!?
PM me if you need a chat, all the best,
xxx
Well done for being a month free!
Slip ups are normal, perfectly normal.
If you're short for money, people always want baby sitters, or people to walk their dogs. They're not ideal jobs, but it gives you something to do, something to get up for etc. makes you feel wanted if you get me?
Or you could volunter for something, a charity shop? Working with older people etc? It gives you a feel good buzz, especially when people turn round and thank you for giving up your time. It gets you out of the house, you can meet new people.
Don't because you're feeling down sit inside all summer, get out there, join a club, or a gym. you'll meet new people and you wont have your parents on your back as much!
Pm me if you want to chat.
Take care.
xxx
I'm trying to find a summer job too, and I can't, so I know how frustrating it is! You can vent here anytime- we'll listen. You are NOT worthless, useless, or pathetic! You are a lovely person for fighting this. And congrats on not SIing for a year! That's wonderful. I'm sure you know this, but slip ups are part of the recovery process. You can beat it this time!
