Triggering (Suicide) - Since I suck at thread making...

[Some Kind Of Monster]

...I'll just ask for some help and wait if such help comes. As most of you know, therapists deserve vacations too. Mine is gone until february, and I'm in need to be honest with someone about how much I've been considering doing the proverbial shotgun mouthwash-- but I don't have one, and there are no easy ways to take my own life with. Yes, yes, I know that I can chew my wrists off or hold my breath to death or something equally hard, but I just want to be happy. But happiness is like the horizon; no matter how much you run after it, you'll never reach it. That, combined with all that metaphorical and personal pain, makes life itself a big, decades long mistake. Problems, etc, but I'm not the only one who has them and mine aren't as "cool" as everyone else's, not to mention that there's always some kid at Africa or some living vegetable who will beat all of your sorrows on any day of the week, which means mine are no whining matter-- but it's not like I'm not whining like a sad dog right now. At least I'm quiet and no one's getting up due to my ramblings, and I'm still working on my job as expected, not going out at night, not doing drugs (other than that useless medication), not being gay (I'd be beaten to half-death), and all that stuff that was on the contract that I've agreed with when dad's condom broke that day. 8 months and one suicide attempt by hanging, I was born, only to fullfil what I was supposed to do and be an overall disappointment to everyone who got to watch me growing up, to everyone who saw the little potential I had being wasted throughout the years. I am living the bad dream. Just like an average bad dream, nothing makes sense and you tend to cry a lot and want to get out, before you are insane, and whoever reads such a mile-long post can taste the sheer insanity on my brain and on my bitter whinings who, fortunately, don't say enough (or almost anything) about me and what I have become.

[88shelz]

oh dear is there no one else that can fill in for your therapist while s/he is on holiday?
i dont have much to say in advice to the rest of the post!! sorry!
hope ur ok petal x

[bleedingdragon]

Hey Flawed Hero,
Im sorry your therapist is on holiday for so long, i guess there isnt any other therapist you can see until the return of yours.

It good that you are posting here please keep posting as much as you need to. I hear you about wanting to take your life to escape, i really hope you dont take your life, give yourself more time to find ways of getting through this, and you can find reasons to carry on.

Wanting to be happy is something all of us want and you also deserve to find happiness, your right that happiness can be like the horizon and no matter how long you run after it it you never seem to find it. I guess with the help of your therapist you can descover some happiness in time.

I understand how hard it is for you having no one until your therapist returns. I am waiting to see a psychologist Ive had to wait 4 months with no support im hoping to see a psychologist in january 2008 just for an assesment to see if they will treat me, if they will i may have to wait a further 6 months before treatment.

So i can understand how hard it must be for you having to wait till february, Please keep posting here and i hope people here at ryl can help you in some way to keep going until you see your therapist.

Its nice of you to say there are many other people out there that you feel deserve support and help, But please dont say that you arent deserving of the support and help for yourself. No matter what you are going through you deserve to be supported and helped just like anyone else. All of us here at RYL are just as important as everyone else. We all deserve support, acceptance, and a space to be ourselves and feel safe. I hope you recieve that from ryl.

Its ok to post here and talk about what you are going through please do it sounds like you are keeping yourself as safe as you can do , Im sorry you got to attempting suicide, im glad you are still here and fighting, i understand what its like to attempt suicide ive tried a few times myself.
Please stay strong and keep going keep talking about your feelings here.

I understand you about feeling like your in a bad dream and cant escape
and fearing you will go insane its a terrifying feeling ive gone through that, you are being very brave in facing what your going through.

keep talking to us and let people here support you.

take care

[Some Kind Of Monster]

:P no, I didn't attempt suicide. I just said that I almost died before childbirth, by hanging on the umbilical noose. Sometimes, when I think about it, I think it would be better. I've thought about hanging myself before, but there's not a good spot at home, and it seems so painful... and I have been through enough pain at my life. Sorry for being bad at expressing myself. Language issues. This is gonna turn into a rant, so, please don't mind the TL;DR posts.

I have been through a very bad year, mostly because of how I react to things emotionally. Dropped out of high school, since I don't want to be hold up an year again. Been getting exhausted of feeling useless, which is exactly what happens when you have to do only the subjects you're not good at, with people you don't know, and when there's no one to actively care about you, only a relative or two to care for you from afar, both regarding physical and emotional distance. People think that, if I'm not "screwing up" by, say, being like everyone else, everything is a-ok. As long as I have a job, don't do drugs, and don't be gay, everything is alright for my parents. They're worried about me being a failure, because mom has a shitty job, dad is disabled, and they all feel the weight of seeing themselves as failures in life. They can't even brag about me to people anymore. I was one of those fancy child prodigies early in life, learned to read before I was 2, knew lots of stuff for my age, but it all went downhill from there. Now I am barely coherent, getting increasingly stressed and weak on all aspects, not being good at anything due to all that pain which was hard to grasp, and looking uglier and fatter than ever. I'm still recovering from a crippling depression that struck me some weeks ago. All that I could do was hide in dark places and cry, or try to break stuff, but it was no use. I could just cry and cry, just like on the old days of my early teens, when I suffered one hell of a breakdown. Panic attacks on the middle of the street, crying fits inside the classroom, and breaking things at home to the point where my fists bled due to all the broken glass. I thought I was going to be locked away like my parents promised to do if I went crazy. Only on this latest breakdown I managed to get help and good medication, but it's not being enough. I'm just not crying as much. I was too weak. I tried to cut myself, to see if I could learn enough to cut myself on a way that would kill me, but I couldn't hold the blade straight. Some people might recall that, on earlier episodes, I complained about the heavy shaking that tormented me. This prevented me from joining most people on this board... then. I've went through the mistake of cutting myself on a moment of anger two days ago. Three times on the back of the hand. When I realized what I have done, I got scared shitless. Visible enough to be hard to hide, deep and clear enough for people to see. I was at work, luckily, no one was around to see the three, similar-looking wounds at the back of my left hand. It was a mistake, but I'm very afraid that I'm becoming completely insane. I gotta thank the people here for teaching me more that this, while common, is not normal or healthy. I immediately saw myself going the proverbial "down the highway" on that time, I saw myself failing at failing and being locked up forever on a place where they were going to kill my mind with electricity and sorrow. I saw preachers trying to kick a non-existant demon from inside of me. I could see my therapist getting tense, like when I told her about grandma burning my toys. But I saw no love for me.

[idontwantnomorescars]

hunny hang in there and please dont do anything to hurt yourself. maybe you could just keep posting on here and talk to us on ryl until your therapist gets back if that will help you?

you will reach happiness one day its just not within your reach right now but you will be happy.

you are also just as deserving as anyone else in this world for support you're having a rough time right now and you deserve to be helped and supported.

feel free to rant as much as you like if its going to help you.

you can and will get through this sweetie.
feel free to pm me if you want