Graphic / Triggering - Please help me.

[-- Gem --]

Hi there,

I dont really know where to start so here goes...

On 30th nov 2007 the day before my birthday a stolen car with a 15yr old driver 15 yr old passenger and 19yr old passenger crashed into my house, my car and my little sisters car.

I was playing with my hair in the mirror and it was about 10pm we had just turned off the tv, i had my nitie on and was about to go to bed. All of a sudden i heard a massive bang, the front door flew open and there was this bright light.

As i looked out i saw carnage, mangled bodies and cars. I shouted to my little sister to call an ambulance and ran out. My heart was pounding, i wanted to cry so much, i didnt know what to do.

I just saw blood everywhere i shouted to the people are you alright but no body responded. It was just silent, i checked the pulse of the driver and i knew he was dead before i even touched him. I knew that i was about to touch a dead body and i freaked. I cringed inside and felt and nipped and tapped trying to get a response but he was gone.

I then focused my attention on the girl in the back. She was still alive, i could feel her slipping away. I could smell petrol so bad i begged people to get back with there lit cigs.

I felt her slipping in and out of consiousness and new there was nothin i could do. I felt so helpless. I just wanted her to live so much. I was shouting at her not to give up. I just wanted to carry her out of the car but knew i couldnt move her.

She was 15 and died in my arms. I was 19 that night @ 10pm and turned 20 at midnight. My life is distroyed. I am not eating and haviong nightmares. I cant stop seeing them dead in my head. It just wont go away. I can see the blood every where and i blame myself.

I lost 2 cars and blame me. I know its stupid but what if i could have done more. She didnt have a seatbelt on so i couldnt have but i just cannot mentally accept that.

I am going out of my mind. I cant stop going to the grave and crying. I feel as though i let her down. I blame me. please help me. I have no one to talk to about this and dont want to feel like this anymore.

I am so fed up and upset. I just cannot go on like this. I think i have post traumatic stress but dont know what to do.

Please help me get some sleep tonight, im exhausetd. Why am i crying after 2 weeks? Why am i unable to move on?

Help. Please. x

[*Gothic*Angel*]

sweetie.
that must of been horrible for you.
it sounds like u could have post traumatic stress but im not a profesional so i wouldnt know. please go and talk to your GP.
they are there to help you.
where are you staying now?
have you spoken to anyone else about this?
keep talking if its helping.

*hugs*
lisa

[Zedebee]

*hugs super tight*
I'm so unbelievably sorry that this happened sweetheart but trust me when I say you are NOT to blame. This is not your fault. All I can oofer you right now is a listening ear...

[-- Gem --]

I have mentioned i feel like this to my little sis but she dosent feel the same. She blames them. I know i need to go to the gp but feel like an attention seeker and im not. Im going to have to face up to facts and go see the GP. Maybe he can help me.

I just wanted her to stay with me. I see her family and cry and step outside and see the flowers for them and cry. I look at my car and cry.

This has emotionally and financailly drained me.

This will be the worst xmas of my life, i know it.

[-- Gem --]

Thanks for the comments, Im going to go take some sleeping pills and try to get some rest. I will come online when i wake up. I really need this everyone. Thank you so much for listening. Im smiling for the first time in weeks.

[Jasper]

By the sounds of it, you did brilliantly. Stop a moment and think - could you have actually done more than you did? Could you really have kept them alive longer? Unless you've got magical powers or carry a life support machine in your backpocket then no - it is not your fault. Many more people would have just left them, stayed back, panicked, and at the most called an ambulance.

I am no phsychologist, but I think you blame yourself because it's human nature to blame someone; we don't like it when things happen for no reason. And you'd rather blame yourself before you blame the driver in that car, because of what happened to them. They were too young to drive and reckless enough to risk the lives of their friends - and payed the ultimate price.

You need to talk to someone about the accident, because it sounds as though you are suffering from post-traumatic stress. Go see your doctor - but remember it is perfectly natural to be upset about what happened.

[Zedebee]

*cuddles more*
Your GP can help you. You don't have to suffer alone. You deserve help and going to your GP will in now way at all make you an attention seeker, Please. Ask for support. There's help out there for you....