and im sorry.
i cant bear it anymore.
i hate being awake...knowing im alive.
i feel dead already.
i feel like a zombie.
nightmares are bad.
but i still miss my father. how sick is that?
i cant stop thinking of Keith.
and watching Kelly's children has finally taken its toll.
especially little Kaleb.
thoughts of taking my life are constantly spinning in my head.
and i know if i try it...it will be completely impulsive.
i'll just DO IT.
that scares me.
i dont think this will ever go away.
people say "it will get better". why dont i believe that?
maybe because it never has.
it lessens from time to time....but never better.
pointless post.
i could have just said...."i want to die".
you've been under a lot of stress recently, its not surprising you feel like you're crumbling. just remember, its ok to fall a little, don't expect to know how you're going to feel or cope with all that has happened, also don't expect to be ok because the tumour was benign. regardless of the outcome, you have still been under a huge amount of stress and anxiety, it will have some kind of effect mentally. of course you're relieved but take some time to recuperate and relax. love you, mand x
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
Rach you say things dont get better, I say they do.
You said things lessen from time to time.
Well I have bee on the site now for nearly a year. And I would say that when you are low now, you are not as low as you where. Also, your low periods dont last as long as they did.
This time last year, it wouldnt have scared you about thinking of suicide, you jusr accepted it as fact. Now you are seeing that things dont have to be this way.
The postion you are in now, means its difficult to judge this. You have had a few good weeks, so when you begin to feel bad, you feel really bad, but if you compare it t a long time ago, its not all that bad.
Rach, you are allowed to miss your dad. Dont punish yourself for that. You think its odd becuse of what he did to you, but that was only a small part of your dad. You miss the part where he was actually being a farther. Little things that we dont see. Things which allow you to hold his memorys in a special place.
Christmas is hard on anyone who has recntly lost someone, let alone someone goin through as much as you are.
Give your self a break.
Talk to those who are in a postion to help you.
And most of all, keep fighting this Rach because things are truley on the lookup for you.
Your surround by people you love.
And you have come so far.
Oh Rach, I don't have much for you right now... just know that I love you, alright? And hang in there. Many of us (I think) have reoccuring thoughts of suicide that are troublesome but we don't go through with them. Just hang on sweetie, hang on to us.
Much love
Alyssa
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
