Triggering (SI) - i scare myself

[chocostashchick]

i really scared myself this afternoon
i dont know what is wrong with me
i am having such a hard time going to work and getting through the day
here is the triggery bit:

and i cut this afternoon after going 2 days free
but what i really wanted to do was burn myself and i somehow broke my lighter and the scary part is that when it wouldnt start and i realised it was broken i about fell apart
i practically had a breakdown on my bed and nearly tore my nails apart trying to start it and i almost couldnt breathe and my heart rate like shot up
it was like armageddon
so i ended up cutting myself a bunch of times oops
okay so i know that si isnt the best way of coping duh yes, but it does work, and i am dependent on it, and i know that bad, but i guess i didnt see this side of what it was doing to me until the chance to do it was sort of not there and that makes me feel soooo icky and it scares me and i dont know how i am ever supposed to stop :(

[pea soup]

hi there...
i know how desperate it can become when you realize you have nothing to SI with. i dont know if youre seeing anyone to help try to find some better coping mechanisms? it is hard and im still struggling but im doing a bit better.
keeping you in my thoughts
much love.
xx

[~*forever_broken*~]

*super hugs*
Aw hon I am so sorry. I TOTALLY understand. Last Friday after my drs appointment that lead to talking with a counselor and an appointment made for Tuesday I was feeling so lousy and stressed...all I wanted to do is cut but I wanted to wait till after my next appt in case he asked. I wound up on my front porch at 11 at night curled up in a ball as my friend Mike held me... I swear I was losing it.
Yea, there was a purpose to that long story. Unfortunatly I think that times like you and I (and I am sure many others here) had are a part of SI. I'm also afraid (though this is just a guess on my part) that it means you are quite...deep into it. If it causes such a disturbance when you can't do it then you are probably good and hooked.
Please take care and don't beat yourself up over it. It happens to all of us...(I cut Sunday night, and again on Monday. Thank God he didn't ask).
*hugs again*
Alyssa

[chocostashchick]

thanks for replying you guys

i had to take a break from work because i was feeling so freaked out and go home for a bit to "change my clothes"
i am sure you guys are right but i just cant process anything now... i feel like nothing, you know? like the person i am talking about and the person who is doing these things isnt me
i read what you said ally about being really hooked and deep into it and you know what? i broke out into hysterical laughter
i cant stop laughing (i should mention here so you dont think i am nuts that i am one of those people who tends to laugh at innapropriate times, like funerals - it's a little embarrassing actually)
but anyway i felt like i was discussing another person, not me, and all i could think was "hmm i dont think i ever thought about that - i bet she is right i bet i am totally and completely dependent on this. wow that sucks!" and that was when the giggling started and pretty soon i laughed so hard that i got tears in my eyes

[~*forever_broken*~]

Aww, hon
*hugs* I wish I had soemthing else to say... But I would like to point out that I'd bet money that not only are you not the first person to have that 'we're not talking about me' feeling you probably won't be the last. Sometimes it feels so unreal doesn't it?
Take care.
Alyssa

[Margo]

IT wont always be like this.

xxx

[chocostashchick]

crap i am at work right now and having to put on this little happy face is so draining
i am not doing very well handling triggers atm
i have been here less than 2 hours and i already had to go out to my car to si once
i have never done that before :/
i just feel really incompetent right now and the fact that my job is to take care of other people, be responsible for other human beings, is making me feel guilty because if i cant even help myself what good am i to others? will i even notice when they display antecedents if i am so distracted?
i am supposed to go stay with a friend this weekend and that is stressing me out too because when i start to feel unsafe all i want to do is be alone and not be around others and now i have to go be around people all weekend. i want to cancel but i did that last week and the week before and i am out of excuses and she just got into law school so i really should be at her party.
and i just realised that i am complaining about the stupidest things that arent even real problems how lame is that