quite often. Starting with ruinyourlife.. It's been so long.. I'm suprised to see how many names I still recognize. Hi guys
Although, I'm unsure that this was my username. I had to re-register. I also dated someone who belonged (belongs?) here. Looking at the point system that was implemented made me giggle to think how many he racked up.
Anyways..
I'm 19 now. I started to SI when I was about 14. It seems like a lifetime ago, really. After two years of hell I started taking zoloft and buspar, which they left me on for about two years. It helped. I finally got fed up, felt "cured" and quit taking them. I was fine for the next two years and something I never thought happened did.. besides the scars, SI wasn't part of my life. I thought about it during rare anxiety attacks. For the most part I felt like I was functioning normal. Although when I stopped the SSRIs I was smoking a ton of pot and getting effed up a lot. And still do. I took last semester (Spring) off of school and worked to save up money. I anxiously left for college in August, my only fear being that my mental problems would return. So to make this long story shorter, they did. Maybe I did it to myself.
My school was pretty incredible, small and really, really liberal... the workload was crazy intense though. My anxiety was off the wall and I cried all the time (I never cry). Also, for the first time in years began thinking constantly about cutting. One day I began to have a panic attack in class and packed my stuff up and withdrew. Since I've been home I feel like quite a failure. I attempted to cut only once, and couldn't do it. I have been doing a pretty hefty amount of opiates (oxys/roxys) and generally feel like **** all the time. I'm depressed a lot, anxious.. the empathy I carried when I was depressed before seems to have turned into anger. I fly off the handle at little things. I feel awkward in social situations and just want to stay home. I rarely go out without doing pills first.
I am transferring in January and scared to hell I won't be able to handle it. It's a completely different school but also one I never wanted to attend. I have always wanted to get the hell outta here, move away.. and now I don't know what will become of me. I guess I felt I was magically supposed to be an adult and instead took giant leaps backwards.
I started seeing a therapist this month and he seems pretty nice. It's so expensive though which makes me feel really guilty.
My problems are not to the extreme. I can't SI, which I'm not sure is a good or bad thing.. but I really am scaring myself. And I DO NOT want to feel like this again.
Anyways, I'll get to the point because there is one.
I got prescribed medicine again. It's been staring at me for a week and I feel like everyone is so biased. My parents really want me on it.. my boyfriend doesn't, my friends are indifferent, my coworker says they turn people robotic and cause cancer, and I can't make up my damn mind. I'm scared I'll flatline.. I'm scared I'll be on them for another two years. I'm scared I'll need them my whole life.
The things I feel now are almost identical to thoughts I had when I was 14. If this is inherently me, shouldn't I find a way to live with myself? I also hate to admit this, but once I got "better" I felt like depression wasn't real. I thought I was young and going through a phase. I read in some journal about how doctors were unsure if you get depresed and the seritonin in your brain gets messed up, or if it's already messed up so you're depressed. I suppose it doesn't matter.
I guess my question, which could have been stated much simpler, is how you feel about taking medicine? I need anyone's advice on this... I thought maybe just for a month or two, but my doctor said 9month minimum. I know it's hypocritical to not want to take a pill when I'm on pills constantly anyways. I need to stop the recreational ones though..Wow, I can't believe you read this whole thing. It's a long longer then I meant it to be.
Thanks everyone
