Exhausted

[rhi]

I can't sleep. Pretty much at all.

When I am sleeping, people decide to come in and wake me up and tell me to get up, get dressed, have a shower, eat...all well and good. I've given up caring, I'm just following commands.

But this means I'm not sleeping.

So I'm exhausted.

I've been running on adreneline, but I'm all out, I think.

I'm chasing up the CMHT, who were supposed to call back but didn't.
I've gotten repeat blood work done because the ER lost the urgent blood they took to check if I'd ODed or not.
I've sorted out college, I think, I just need to fetch my stuff this weekend.
I'm dealing with Pottergate, but need things sent on paper and not via email because I don't have emails/printers etc and this laptop is set up in Finnish.
I'm dealing with benefit people, because they can classify me as disabled which improves my chances at dealing with the NHS.
I'm dealing with GPs in Oxford and Leicester.
I'm watching the crisis team back off to give telephone support because anything more than that would be interferring and detrimental to me.

No-one in Leicester has heard of complex trauma.
The clinic I was referred to 4 years ago for therapy have never heard of me, because I was never referred. It's a 3 year waiting list, assuming I join at the bottom.
The nurse at the GP office was meant to call back with rape crisis details, it's not a crisis, but where else am I going to get to talk to someone in Leicester about what's happening? And, yeah, maybe it is a crisis, when I'm sitting in front of a psych (who's command of English was not great, and command of listening skills worse, and basic ability to retain a thought for more than two minutes and copy information from one paper to another even less) answering the "do you self harm" question with "yes, every night" "last night?" "yes" and he's just making notes, ignoring it.

People are changing my meds. I'm not in hospital.

I really don't see the point at the moment.

I'm exhausted. I'm done fighting. For the care I need, the support I need, the space I need, to see the people I need, to get the fact that I'm sick acknowledged by anyone at all...

There might be a point. I sounded "optimistic" at about 2:30 this afternoon, according to Dom. But at 10 this morning, I was way way down. And now I'm just too tired.

I could go to bed, and toss and turn all night til morning. And then face another day of phoning people, rephoning people, waiting for call backs, phoning people who haven't called back.

I'm trying to keep it together. Just a few more days, just a few more hours, just a little bit longer.

I've got to be wierd enough to have someone want to admit me and use as a guinea pig, right. Admit, treat, use trial drugs and trial procedures. Distance no object.

To people, I sound cheerful and optimistic. Heck, I just played counsellor to my ex, making sure she's getting to a therapist, bouyed the spiritis of my exhausted-up-all-night-talking-to-stupid-Italians friend, and am constantly reassuring a would-be-boyfriend that's it's alright he triggers me, apologises and ten minutes later does the same damn thing. I screen my calls so as not to answer but then he calls the house. I want space, I say, and he doesn't get it. He wants sex.

I'm outwardly more together than before. I'm inwardly more ****ed up. But my mother and her insults and jibes are just bouncing right off again. I don't need to think or worry about them. By being in the house, I am a mess, so I'll keep everything of mine in my room. By using the computer...I haven't actually deciphered what negative thing that is, but still, it's my contact with my friends that isn't costing me an arm and a leg in phone bills.

I want to run away. I'm not getting care here. I'm not getting support here. But the NHS is configured to think that I am getting support here because I'm living with my parents, perfect, caring, middleclass, 2.4 children, butter wouldn't melt, parents.

Who knew/know about everything, I presume, and didn't do anything, for whatever reason.

Flashbacks are back.

What's new.

This is long, I'm sorry. I need something, I don't know what. And I have no idea where left to turn to find it anyway.

[chocostashchick]

i am so glad that you got some of that off your chest
you have a lot going on now
please dont give up, keep fighting
there is a point to this - YOU are the point
you are worth fighting for and it can be so so hard to see that when you are in the midst of all this but try not to forget and take things for granted
people care about you, your friends and family care about you
dont give up - the system may be hard and your doctors may not get it yet but hang in there and fight for yourself it will be worth it
please please be safe
my pm box is always open
xxxooo Callie

[pea soup]

*snuggles you*
thats so much on your plate right now.
im sorry that i dont have anything to offer.
much love.
xx

[shadowedseraph]

Im sorry things are going so badly for you at the moment *offers hugs*

[Mirabelle]

Not much to say, except that you can't let all this pile on top of you. You need to deal fully with one thing at a time on your list. Trying to solve everything at once will indeed exhaust you.
And I don't know if you can afford it, but if you can, take one day, buy a train ticket to somewhere nice or somewhere you've never been, just hang out, relax, walk around, take pictures and forget, just for one day, all of this. I think you really need the break.

[Stellata]

I wish I could help. Everything sounds so overwhelming and exhausting, when most of your energy is taken up in getting through the flashbacks, you have all this administrative crap to handle too. I think you are doing amazingly well, although you are also sufferering and in a great deal of distress.