I've been lurking here for a while now, but i've decided to finally start posting....so here goes nothing...
I've been SIing for over a year and a half now, and have just had the worst year of my life (in terms of health, school, SI etc). Things are a bit better now, I'm on holidays, and I'm making a conscious effort to be better and healthier and happier and all that.
I haven't SIed at all for almost a month now which is the longest i've gone without for over a year, but that's not due to any effort, i just haven't needed to/not been able to because of circumstances
But the weird thing is that I just know that I wll SI before that month is up, not because i need to, but because I can't bear the idea of going a month without it...Do other people ever feel this way?
It's strange because I know that if I hadn't realised it was almost a month, I wouldn't feel like it all, but since realising it, I've been thinking about it as much as i used to...Like it's not triggered at all, and it's not a craving, and i'm not worried about doing it, i don't really see it as a bad thing, or a good thing, it's just what i have to do. I don't think that makes any sense, but it's hard to explain... Does anyone understand what i mean?
Also, how far do you think you can go using the decrease of other bad habits as an excuse for others...Like, I feel it's okay to cut every now and then because i'm now eating properly...Is this justified, or am i just kidding myself?
Anyway, thanks for reading this, (and responding if you do).
Take Care
Hey. I relate to so much in your post, you're definetly not alone.
Quote "But the weird thing is that I just know that I wll SI before that month is up, not because i need to, but because I can't bear the idea of going a month without it...Do other people ever feel this way?" Quote
I feel just like that, i feel like well if i don't do it this month at least once its a wasted opportunity.
Quote: It's strange because I know that if I hadn't realised it was almost a month, I wouldn't feel like it all, but since realising it, I've been thinking about it as much as i used to...Like it's not triggered at all, and it's not a craving, and i'm not worried about doing it, i don't really see it as a bad thing, or a good thing, it's just what i have to do. I don't think that makes any sense, but it's hard to explain... Does anyone understand what i mean? Quote
I don't see cutting as bad, or good, its just a thing I do, it makes no sense whatsoever, and I don't know why I do it now, I'm not unhappy, i just do it.
Quote: Also, how far do you think you can go using the decrease of other bad habits as an excuse for others...Like, I feel it's okay to cut every now and then because i'm now eating properly...Is this justified, or am i just kidding myself?Quote
I've given up alcohol because I have a big problem, like i presume you had with eating? Now cutting feels justified for me, ad yes we are kidding ourselves, but it's not that simple- we can't get rid of our habits overnight.
pm me for a chat if u fancy it, would be good to talk xx
I know what you mean about feeling like you have to do it, even if you don't really need to. I think it is because it's like a comfort to know that we could go back to it at any time.
If you think you are being triggered just because you are nearing 1 month without it, try not to think about that, i know its hard not to. What I would suggest is to write down that date somewhere, so you know that if you ever wanted to know what the date was you could just check, but the idea is to let it slip from your memory. Writing it down may help take away that need to not forget.
I don't have an ED (not saying you do bc I dont know) but after doing a research paper on SI, I have come across information about the relation between the two. As you try to quit and eat properly, you may sway from one decreasing and the other increasing. Although it can be difficult it would probably be best to deal with them both at the same time.
I think you are doing great though. You are said you are eating properly and cutting less, thats a great accomplishment in itself.
Hi,
Just want to say well done on almost reaching a month. And yeah I do know what you mean about wanting to cut just so like you've done it in a certain length of time. I used to be like that sometimes (but that was for far less time than a month I'm sad to say) a the few times when I wasn't triggered by something already. I think that if you find it easier to stop other things if you cut every now and again it may not necessarily be such a bad thing but only if it is helping you to stop those things and isn't making you cut more by doing it sometimes.
It's quite good though that you've had a pretty easy time of having a few weeks free... (I wish I was )
I'm here if you ever want to PM me about anything.
I can't bear the idea of going a month without it...Do other people ever feel this way?
Definitely, you're not alone there. I guess for me it's because I've wrapped up being a cutter in my identity, so if I don't cut, it means I have no idea who I am (if that makes sense?). Made it very difficult when trying to quit as I got obsessed with counting the months off which made me feel worse.
And yes, as one set of behaviour might decrease, another will probably get worse if you haven't dealt with the underlying problem for the first one. But well done for getting your eating back to normal and for not cutting in ages, it takes a lot of strength to do that.
Take care of yourself honey xx
For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
We know… we’re not what we’ve seen
For this dance we’ll move with each other
There ain’t no other step than one foot
Right in front of the other
I can kind of relate...this isn't quite the same, but if I decide that I'm going to consciously try to recover, then I get anxious about it and that feeling sometimes just makes me want to cut. On the other hand, if I don't think about it, then sometimes I just won't cut for a while without even realizing it.
As for the decrease of bad habits as an excuse for others, yeah I've definitely done that, if only in my mind. I'm the other way around though. I've been cutting less than I usually do lately, so I've been dealing with bad feelings by sometimes starving myself.
I guess I don't really have any advice for you, I just wanted you to know that you're not alone.
Laura
"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." ~Mother Theresa
I think most people do eventually SI, just because theyve gone too long without it and so in a way feel like theyre losing a part of themself. SI becomes part of your identity especially if youve being doing it a while, and is almost like a routine for some people. So when your not doing anything it feels weird. And you feel obliged to cut or whatever in order to get yourself back into that routine and regain the title. So they can once again call themself a SHer or something.
I know i feel lost if ive not cut in a while.
)
