Triggering (SI/Sexual Abuse) - getting over abuse *updated*

[hammy]

Hi

I feel ashamed to post this but I am really struggling and I need some support or advice or something.

As I put in previous post, I am now seeing boyfriend. I should be happy because he is patient and gentle and tells me I'm wonderful, but the thing is this...

everytime he gets close I just feel so triggered and memories of past abuse come flooding back. I have been crying myself to sleep for the past few days and screaming in the night without realising it. When my friend from back home came to visit me over the weekend for my birthday she wondered what had happened to me. It took all my strength not to self harm.

I just dont know how I can have a relationship when one minute I want him and the next minute I just reject him and start acting hysterical. I really really dont know why he sticks by me.

[blue butterfly]

Hey I just want to say that i know exactly what you're going through as thats the same situation i have with my boyfriend. He sticks by you because he cares about you hun. Sorry that ive got no advice for you just *hugs*. Take care and if you ever need to talk then feel free to PM me. X

[blondiebear]

Dear Hammy,
You are not acting hysterical, your disease is.

I've been having tactile flashbacks to the point that I've wanted to amputate the parts involved. Short of that I'm dressing almost butch in men's crewneck shirts or souvenier (sp) t-shirts and shorts/jeans. I look so feminine that doesn't matter. I'm working at getting over abuse by feeling the sorrow and fury and the sense of violation that it wasn't safe for me to feel back when I was a teen. Sometimes I have waves of sorrow or fear or loss.

I'm finally getting enough sleep to have nightmares. My husband of 18 years doesn't wake me up; he thinks nightmares are a way for the psyche or the subconscious to solve problems and process events and emotions. If a nightmare does happen, I can just curl around him and go back to sleep.

I have PTSD too because of all of the physical abuse. When I'm injured or in a panic I physically lash out to the people around me. I try to let the people I know and trust just what happens and to warn them if I fall or am injured to keep their distance until I say it is okay to approach. My husband has run interference for me a few times too and so have my long time friends.

How much does your boyfriend know about your disease and your history of abuse? Can you take it easy with intimacy? Sometimes holding hands is as effective as a hug. Can you talk to him about what triggers you?

He's with you because he loves you. If he's staying with you through all this he's obviously trustworthy. Trust him to help you, to be close when he can and to honor your limits when you can't stand to have someone close. He thinks you're worth it. You are worth it.

If you have anything you want to talk about, please let me know. I've been married for 18 years and still it is tough sometimes so I understand. I like PM's and I'll do my best to return messages within 24 hours, faster if I can.

A major loving bear hug to you!
Blondiebear

[hammy]

well boyfriend came over last night and we were talking and he was getting close to me and then I just felt so low all of a sudden and I couldnt hide it. He wondered what was wrong with me and it was like my whole body went floppy, I couldnt hold myself up. He stayed with me though and held me for ages. I then whispered with the words I could muster what had happened to me in the past. He was so good to me, he just stayed with me. I then went into major flashback and had the worst asthma attack I have had in a long while. I didnt realise until later but he suffers from asthma too, so luckily it didnt frighten him and together we managed to get it under control.

I then whispered to him about my illness and he didnt flinch. He just whispered back that he understood and told me that in his opinion all I needed was lots and lots of love...

I think I am happy. It's all so strange to me.

[Margo]

Regardless of how hard it may be you owe it to him to tell him in my opinion.

If something isnt said and this continues you will both ultimately get hurt.

Perhaps hammy if this is affecting you so much then you are not yet ready for a physical relationship with another. I can imagine how harsh that must sound and im sure that you are craving, like most of us to love and be loved. However, sometimes we need to look deep inside and get truthful. Sometimes we really dont like what we hear or see inside but we know when we are honset that there is something we need to do about it. It can be the most painful thing at the time but in the long run it could be the best move we ever made.

Im not going to say that if he loves you he will stick by you. For anyone this is difficult. To hear it is really hard too! What i will say is that if he is the "right" person then he WILL stick by you and support you. If not then its not a case that you are a bad person or hes horrid or weak or whatever, its just that this isnt the right one for you or him for that matter.

However, i do hope that if you do decide to tell him , (again i really think you should if you want to try and make a go of this), and i do hope that he is the "right " one to help you through this.

Be good to yourself.

Love
Matthew xxx

[hammy]

Well I have been thinking all morning whether to write this. I really really dont want to offend anyone, but its making me sad so I'm going to say it.

Nija/ matthew thank you for your response. I have to admit though that it upset me.

Perhaps I shouldnt take this site to heart but I am quite on the edge at the moment so I'm sorry. I probably shouldnt write this.

You said that you were harsh, and yes it felt harsh.
I just feel so confused and upset now about whether I am causing bf harm by being around him. I feel sick now to think that I have been close to him when I really should have been pushing him away. He doesnt need my baggage after all when like you have said, I am not yet ready for a relationship when I'm reacting the way I am.

I really thought I was ready, ready at least to try, just to have someone love me for once, someone to care and be there

But how could I have thought that, why did I let my guard down????? Why did I ever think that I could have a relationship now:(

It feels like you are telling me off for not explaining everything to bf. But dont you see how hard this is for me?? :( It takes me time to have trust. To tell him the kind of things I never tell anyone else, to open up wounds, it takes time...I'm trying so hard..

But what I did try to explain in the post above this one was that I DID disclose to bf how I was ill, and I did tell him about the abuse. I may not have gone into detail and I may have only been able to whisper it, but at least I did tell him. Like you say it is unfair not to put him in the picture.......

Oh why I am so worked up?? I dunno, never mind. Too many emotions, too much guilt, too much pain.

I'll stop
sorry

[Stellata]

I can understand some of how much it hurts, how painful and vulnerable trusting can feel.

*gentle hug*

[popcorn]

Hey Hammy,
I'm sorry you're having such a rough time at the moment. I think you are a really kind and fabulous person, from what I've seen on the site, and I have a few thoughts about this situation.
I don't think you've done anything wrong with your boyfriend. You have disclosed your history to him--no need to go into details, certainly not at this point-- and it seems like you've done it not too far into the relationship. This can be a tough call-- you don't want 'I was abused' or 'I have ptsd issues' to be the first thing you say in a new relationship, but you do need to say it at some point when you're getting closer. To me it sounds like you have done this, and handled it beautifully. And your boyfriend (lucky guy to have you) is an adult and can choose to be with you or not. I don't think that just because you have some intimacy issues means that you aren't ready for a relationship. If it did, well, lots of people would never date! And I think that some things can only be worked out in the context of a relationship. I mean, it's kind of impossible to work on 'trust issues' for example, outside of a relationship (not just romantic, I think they can get better with friends or in therapy). I think there are times in a person's recovery where it isn't right for him/her to be in a relationship-- like if all of your energy is currently needed to focus on yourself and your recovery, or maybe if you're not ready for any of the physical aspects of a relationship. But to me anyway, it doesn't sound like that's the place you're in. You have a lot going on, and you're handling your illness and issues with appropriate therapy, meds, groups and such, and it seems like you do have the energy to be in a relationship, but are having mixed feelings. You're responsible for the way you treat him-- so you do want to be mindful if your illness is causing you to give him mixed messages-- but he is an adult and as such he can decide for himself if he thinks it's worth it to be in the relationship, and deal with the bad stuff (like anyone does in a relationship) because the good stuff is so good. I have times where I get really down on myself and I think that I shouldn't be in my relationship (and I'm married!) because my partner deserves to be with someone who isn't so messed up and doesn't have all this baggage. But she loves me and wants to be with me (and I do my part by trying to be responsible about getting help when I need it, thinking about how I treat her, and trying not to put too much on her). For us, the good times make the bad worth getting through, even though at times I need to lean on her, and when I feel better I think that she's lucky to have me too. It sounds like you're feeling an awful lot of guilt right now, but I hope you can be easy on yourself because I don't think you've done anything wrong at all. I wish you lots of luck with the boyfriend. I think that being in a loving, trusting relationship (while obviously you can't go into it hoping someone else will fix all your problems-- and i don't think you have) can be one of the most healing things. I have learned a lot about trust and healthy interdependency from my partner, and her attitude of expecting people to be mostly good (I tend to be suspicious) has also rubbed off on me. Take care.

sorry for the book-length post-- hope this helps in any way

[Margo]

Hammy, im sorry you were upset by my reply. I wasnt telling you off in the slightest. I was merely wondering whether you are ready for a physical relationship. I said it sounds harsh because i know how much you want to be and feel loved. We all do! Its tough because decisions like that are never ever easy, hence the harshness.

The other thing i was trying to say is that if he is the right person for you then he will stick by you and understand. I even said i hope he is.

I just feel that honesty is the best policy.

There is no right answer on a site like this Hammy. Our responses are based upon personal beliefs, views and experience. All replies are subjective. I was just giving my thoughts on the situation.

Again im sorry if you took my words the wrong way. I still stick by what i said however. I would never reply with the intention of hurting anyone. I wrote what i wrote in good faith and from the heart. I would never write anything if i thought it would purposely hurt anyone.

Matthew xxx

[Mimsy]

Hammy,
It sounds like you did the absolute right thing and told him. It must be such a relief that he stayed with you and didn't freak out. Thats pretty good in my book :)
I know its hard for you two to get intimate atm, but why rush? Go slow, enjoy really getting to know each other and then work through it together. He sounds like a nice guy... good work!
Take care xxxxx

[Buttons.]

*hugs you so so tight* i indentify with that so much-relationships are so very very hard after any kind of abuse.
katy
xxx

[Seraphsigh]

*hugs* I know what that's like and wish I didn't, but I also believe that it's something that can be overcome in a relationship. Let him love you, because you are a loving person and deserve it. Good luck with the journey, and don't forget that going slowly is often the best.
love xoxoxoxo

[hammy]

thank you so much everyone, it means a lot. He's so loving towards me
xxx

[pea soup]

all i have is my love hammy.
*gentle snuggles*
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx