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Triggering (SI) - 6 months free... gone
so thanksgiving was really horrible with my extended family (no immediate family there, just aunts and cousins). i overheard them speaking about me and my "issues" and how i'm a "damaged" person etc. the thing is my family doesn't know what's been going on in my life because i'm away at school and don't talk to them. i wanted to burn so bad, but couldn't because i'm very private about it and didn't have what i use there. it would have been weird to do it at my aunts house like that, but that night listening to all they had to say about me was pretty unbearable.
since then i've been freaking out about christmas. it's at my mom's and that aunt will be there along with my dad, two sisters and their children. i hate my mom and after thanksgiving i don't think i can make it through several days of her, auntie, and the sister i hate (the other one i don't know that well or talk to). so i called my mom up last week and told her i wasn't coming to christmas. she didn't take it well and although i still didn't come out and tell her everything i made it clear that i hated her and that she was the majority of the reason i wasn't coming.
i burned after that. i hadn't burned since late june/early july. the moment i gave myself permission to do it a great pressure released. this time was different though. i burned pretty bad. it was like i was melting away my skin and there was a delay in the pain response so i held it there longer than i normally did. it was like a hot knife through butter (not what i use or am suggesting, just a good metaphor). i have two, equal length, parallel burns that look bad. i'm surprised they didn't blister up, rather they look like a gouge, deep.
i see my psych on tues. he is already researching more intensive care for my suicidal thoughts that are very near action. i'm disappointed in myself. not because i wasn't strong enough. i forgive myself for that because i have been pushed beyond my limits, but because it gives visible evidence that i need more help and i fear going to the hospital. as hard as it is, i am honest, so i am kicking myself because it's like i am setting myself up to be committed. i can't even describe the number of nightmares i have about going there... and medication... *shivers*
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