Triggering (SI) - Confiding in parents?

[Nymph]

I am just wondering if anyone has any experience and/or advice on this issue.


A little background on me and why I feel uneasy confiding in them for support;

First off I am not a child/teenager so don't live with my parents or depend on them; I'm 23 years old but I've been a cutter since I was about 14-15. After I finished school I didn't do it for a long while although I often had urges. I started again this year after a long bout of illness, missing a lot of time from my work and resultantly falling behind, which has put a lot of pressure on me. In addition there are family issues which I won't go into because I would be going for pages. I am living alone since my boyfriend of 3 years couldn't hold a job and therefore couldn't afford to keep paying the rent. All these problems have snowballed over the months and driven me to find solace in cutting again. And it has helped a hell of a lot the last month or so. I have also started drinking alcohol excessively since these problems started getting really bad which has began to concern me after realising I had downed a 700ml bottle of tequila without remembering the day before yesterday.

I cut because I can't cope any other way, I feel so much frustration and self-loathing it is the only way to vent it. I think the root of this has a lot to do with the fact my father used to physically and mentally abuse me as a child up until I was about 11ish. Constant putdowns, threats of violence, beatings, mind games and bullying were his forté. My mother was fantastic and used to be quite submissive but stands up to him now, but the family situation is still a colossal mess. I always just knuckled down and focussed on my school and work and doing well made me happy. I went to college, got a 1st at uni and am now doing a PhD. My mother has always been overly proud of me and had such high expectations. She also has a pile of problems herself because her mother is ill with dementia.

My boyfriend knows about the fact I have started again since he found the slashes on my hands and arms and he doesn't know how to deal with it. He doesn't understand when I try and explain, he just can't get his head around why it helps me, and I don't expect him to to be honest. I know it can't be easy to swallow. I am considering confiding in my mother because I do feel like I need some support. Since I started again I have been going deeper and deeper to see more blood, and I don't want this to spiral out of control. I don't think I'd ever endanger my life through cutting, but I don't want to be covered in the scars or alert people to the fact I do it by making too many.

I am very worried about confiding in my mum because she has her own problems, and also she has such high expectations of me I'd feel like I was letting her down. I know she'd try and make me see a psychologist and probably make it into more of a drama than it needs to be which wpi;d make me uncomfortable. I don't want to end up being the family charity case. But I feel even less comfortable talking to a complete stranger in real life about it.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? And if so how did your parents react when you confided them? Do you regret it or did it help in the long run?

Sorry for the long post and thanks.

[sopranonut]

I'm in a similar situation at the moment actually. But my mum knows that i 'used' to cut, i don't think you mentioned whether she's ever known?
Do you have a good relationship with her?
I can't really think of any good advice other than you know her and your relationship with her. Is she likely to be supportive?
I also often worry about hurting my parents, but parents are there to look after their children, even once they're grown up, it never really ends. She may feel more hurt if she were to find out in the furture and you hadn't confided in her?

[Nymph]

Quote:

Originally Posted by sopranonut

I'm in a similar situation at the moment actually. But my mum knows that i 'used' to cut, i don't think you mentioned whether she's ever known?
Do you have a good relationship with her?
I can't really think of any good advice other than you know her and your relaionship with her. Is she likely to be supportive.
I also often worry about hurting my parents, but parents are there to look after their children, even once they're grown up, it never really ends. She may feel more hurt if she were to find out in the furture and you hadn't confided in her?

Thanks fir the reply, sorry I did forget to mention if she knew I had cut in the past. I never told her and she never voiced any concern (which knowing her, she would have). So I am fairly sure she has never known.

I have a great relationship with my mum, she is like a best friend as well as a mother, but that's one thing that makes me irksome about telling her. I don't think she would ever hit the roof or anything, I just know it will upset her dearly. Especially if I tell her what drove me to start, she will blame herself for not getting me away from my dad. She would be supportive but at the cost of her probably feeling like a failure and distraught.

I understand where you are coming from when you say she would be more hurt if she found out later. I just feel like I'm being selfish causing her upset because of something I should probably be able to cope with by myself. If that makes sense?

[sopranonut]

Hmmm... yeah it completely makes sense and i understand, i'm struggling with the same problem.
To be honest i can't give you the answer as i don't know how it will turn out. You probably need to weigh up the pros and cons and make a decision. I'm sorry i'm not much help!

[_rainbow_]

Hi there huni, Im 19yrs old and have been a cutter for 8 years. My parents found out a few years ago at school but have since thought i'd stopped..that was up until monday night when i just came out with it all. My parents have been great since them. Although they dont really understand, they have tried and they understand that i feel better once cutting. They were upset and at the beginning, they blamed themselves. They dont fully know the real reason for it (i was bullied constantly throughout school but i never told them). I cant really give u a proper answer,just like Sopranonut as i dont know how it will turn out but i can say that if you do want to tell ur mum, give her any books or websites like this so she can look it up and understand more about it. good luck if you do tell her and if u ever need anyone to talk to, pm me anytime. Hope i was some help to you xx

[butterfly525]

I told my parents about my cutting, drinking, and depression about 2 1/2 years ago. Since then, they have really pushed me to get all the help I need like medication, therapy, etc. Sometimes it gets annoying and occasionally I regret telling them because I just want to deal with things on my own. But honestly, I think I am better off having that support system, and knowing that they love me no matter how I screw up. I think I would feel very alone if I didn't have them to talk to, and if they didn't know this very important part of my life. So it's a give and take situation I guess, but in my experience, the benefits of telling my parents have outweighed the costs.

[Nymph]

Quote:

Originally Posted by butterfly525

I told my parents about my cutting, drinking, and depression about 2 1/2 years ago. Since then, they have really pushed me to get all the help I need like medication, therapy, etc. Sometimes it gets annoying and occasionally I regret telling them because I just want to deal with things on my own. But honestly, I think I am better off having that support system, and knowing that they love me no matter how I screw up. I think I would feel very alone if I didn't have them to talk to, and if they didn't know this very important part of my life. So it's a give and take situation I guess, but in my experience, the benefits of telling my parents have outweighed the costs.

Thanks, that's quite helpful. This is what I would expect my mum to do (push me to get help more than I want to be pushed). but if it helps in the long run... And like someone else said the longer I leave it and the worse it gets the harder it will be to tell them.

Thanks for all the helpful replies and comments!

[Nymph]

Well I plucked up the courage to tell my mum and she was more supportive that I expected. I thought she'd be more pushy to see a therapist or something but she was quite gentle and just encouraged me rather than insisting. Said she'd always be there and I could call her any time of the day or night etc. And she'd go through any kind of recovery programs with me if I wanted her to. I'm glad I talked it through with her.

The only thing she couldn't understand was the full reason why I have to do it, she got it in her head I do it just to punish myself and kept saying things aren't my fault so I don't need to. But that's better than her not understanding at all. It feels like a weight off my shoulders that she knows and I know I have an open invitation to talk when I need to without feeling too awkward.

My boyfriend has also started understanding and has been fantastic about it. He actually talks about it now, and urges me if I have to do it to find somewhere safe, unlike before when he was just telling me to stop and see a doctor, and hiding any blades. It wasn't easy and took a lot of talking and upset but I managed to make him see it's not as easy as just putting the blade down and not doing it. After explaining what happened to me in the past and why I think I turned to it all those years ago he slowly came around.

I still have the itch, of course, but now I don't feel quite as lonely and isolated. I'd recommend anyone who has a serious issue with self harming as a means to cope to talk to people who love them. It has really been a huge weight off my mind for me and helps a lot with the issue of feeling so alone. They may freak out a bit at first (that's normal), but they will pull through for you. It's all about breaking the ice, and it's so much easier to cope when you don't feel so freakish and alone.

I hope this inspires people who are having serious issues to reach out and talk to people close to them about it. Breaking the ice is the hardest part, and the water underneath will be cold at first, but it warms up with time.