Triggering (SI) - I stayed home today *added Suicide Trigger*

[Rain Keeper]

I sent the family to church. I faked being sick...making gaging noises ans pouring a cup of water into the bowl...I didnt have fever and my husband knows I have been acting funny the past few weeks-I had to make it look like I was just sick---not that i just had a head ache- he wouldnt have bought it.


Stress. self hatred. Thoughts.


So I sent them to church to have me time. to cut, to burn. to take a few extra pain pills.


but I have been sitting here. I think upon the day. I cant do it. It couldnt be an accident. He would find out. I cant do it.

just pure out of fresh ideas.
Rain

[eeyore86]

I'm not in a place to be able to say any more than I am here if you want to chat.

Hugs
Mary
xxx

[sparklyshoes]

Please stay safe rain. You are worth so much more. xx

[Rain Keeper]

I try to believe that it just doesnt fit though.

thank you Mary, Sharlie

5 1/2 hours later I send them off again. he tells my daughter to stay home and take care of me. I think he knows how close i am.

[Bitter_Angel]

Im glad you couldnt do it.
Something inside of you wants to fight.
Can not you speak to him abouthow you are feeling?

[Rain Keeper]

he called and said he was on his way home.
The pastor had to leave because a lady in the church tried to commit suicide. This isnt happening is it? it was supposed to be me taking the action. not her. He said how sad and stupid it was. He just doesnt know how unsafe I am . Still unharmed...now postponed. there is a reason for eveything.

*sighs*

[Rain Keeper]

does this just prove how stupid i am?

she always told me i thought to much. i planned on when , where how long, how deep, who might get hurt, who might feel to blame. now i have stayed up all night toying, not able, thinking they will believe copycat. but that was the main reason i stayed home. to relieve pressure. but i thought too much on it. he knows. he has got to know. and one little cscrath is going to send him flying in a rampage'You are stupid. Why the Hell do you do that? Why cant you get over it? Why do you do it? That was stupid- not you of course but what you did.'

*i want to curl up and die*
Rain
Rain

[hammy]

I'm so sorry you are in so much pain. I'm so glad you have kept yourself safe. I dont have the right words, but I do understand you.

please take special care of yourself
xxxhammy

[Seraphsigh]

*Hugs warmly*
Keep fighting it. It must be absolutely awful for you...I understand.
Please take care.

D'Arcy

[Lora]

oh rain honey, i know the feeling, i wish i could be more help, wish i could be with you now
you can keep fighting this, i know you can
stay safe hun, please, stay safe
you know im here anytime
love you love lora xxx