Triggering (SI) - Would like to talk but can't

[ferretmonster]

Sorry I have double posted this, i hope this is allowed.

Hi,

I've only just joined here but I just really wanted to talk to someone but don't know who, in real life I have never spoken in more detail than yes i have cut in the past.

I feel like Im too old to be doing this again, when i was at school (about 10 yrs ago) I used to cut fairly regularly, the cuts ranged from scratches to bigger wounds but never anything that needed treatment, no one ever knew, i stopped myself because i knew that no matter how bad it got it would get better.

But recently my arms have been aching for that feeling again, I just been feeling really down. For the past 18 months i have been poorly and waiting for an operation (nothing major but it would stop the pain and sickness, id rather not say what in case people i do know realise who i am). And i keep waiting and waiting and waiting, and everytime i think I'm going to be fixed they cancel, and back to square one not knowing when i will be sorted.

It sounds so silly, Im not dying, Im not as poorly as so many people out there but all i want is for this op to happen.Its interfering with my work, its interfering with my social life and now I have to go through another xmas with it. Last year i was in so much pain xmas eve and xmas day i had to miss out on seeing friends who i really only see at xmas.

I want to cry so much, i dont really want to go to work, i dont really want to talk to anyone and want to spent all the time on my own but this isnt possible, things arent too bad when im with other people (i have to at least get on with things even when i dont want to) but when im alone all i want to do is cut.

I cut yesterday for the first time in years and my arms have just been aching for weeks now, i bought myself some blades which i know i shouldnt do but for some reason i cant bring myself to get rid of them now.

Ive also been eating foods that make me feel ill which ive only recently realised ive been doing, i shouldnt be eating anything high in fat but off i go stuffing my face almost daring my body to feel poorly.

Theres nothing i guess i can do about it but wait until the nhs deem it fit to sort me out, its just the feeling of not knowing, the feeling of helplessness that hurts so much.

[ferretmonster]

i routed out the blades again, and now all i want to do is cry, and shake

im sorry but i just wanted to post somewhere even if no one does read, it does help me

[butterfly525]

Hey, I'm sorry that you're going through such a rough time right now. I don't really know what to tell you about the operation, I guess there really isn't anything you can do about it, but just try to take it easy as much as possible until you do get the operation. Take care of yourself and everything. As for the cutting, I'm sorry that you felt like you had to do that after going so long without it. But just think of it as a little slip-up, it doesn't mean that you have to start your recovery over. If you went so long without cutting, you must have learned some other techniques for dealing with negative feelings, that didn't involve hurting yourself. Can you try to keep using those techniques when you feel bad, rather than cutting? And another thing, you're not too old to do it, as you will see there are a good number of people here who still self-harm who are around your age or older. It's not like your problems stop when you reach adulthood.

Anyway, I hope things get better for you, and that you have your operation as soon as possible. And feel free to keep talking to us here, we're here to help.

[blondiebear]

I'm sorry that you feel so bad and that things are so up in the air with your surgery. It sounds like the eating you do is mentally as well as physically unhealthy.

I understand wanting to SI too. I'm going through old history and old emotions that I have to feel to get through and sometimes I just get waves of pain. I I want to feel the tool in my hands. I don't understand because last week I got some tools then handed them over to a friend a couple of days later.

You are worth taking care of. Let us listen to you and share our experience and hope. Take care of us by letting us take care of you?

Hugs

[ferretmonster]

Thank you, this morning i am feeling alot better (even with lack of sleep)

Butterfly, i never really found a way with dealing with the problem, i just ignored the feeling until it went away, i got myself a boyfriend (who is still here now) and i felt nothing would be bad for long again, and its hasnt been until now,

Thanks for your replies, hope you are doing ok *hugs* for you both

[ferretmonster]

oh wow, you can hug people properly, thank you for the hugs :D

[Mimsy]

I don't really have any advice, I struggle with the blade thing- I know its bad but I cant persaude myself to let go.
My PM box is always open if you ever need a rant.
Take care, Mimsy xxx

[sparklyshoes]

So sorry that your illness is making you want to self harm again. Have you ever tried talking to somebody like a councellor? Or is there any support in your area that can help you not feel so alone. I know that last year when I was really down and out of work I went to a local MIND group and it was just a house with settees, cups of tea, activities and it was nice to just get out and talk to people.
Have you spoken to the doctors about painkillers? Sounds like you are in quite a bit of pain from what you are saying. Just think as soon as the operation is over you will be healing and it will get better from there. Don't cut again, you will regret it so so so much. Xx Hope things get better xX

[ferretmonster]

Thanks again, I have painkillers, some times they work sometimes not, problem is i cant drive on them so cant take them unless im home and staying there,

Im ok this morning, been shopping and done the xmas thing :)n I dont really do talking and have never spoken to a professional about it and tbh i dont think i want to. I'll be fine, just having some mad ups and downs at the moment, thanks again for listening to me rant..

[hammy]

hello
glad that you posted. hope you felt a little easier having got it out on the screen in front of you. I'm sorry that the feelings to cut have been creeping back, you are always welcome to write about your feelings here. Hope that you manage to keep yourself safe. Hope that the operation hurries itself up.
hugs
xxx

[Margo]

Hello and welcome to Vets! WELL DONE FOR POSTING!!! Its not easy. Dont let that worry you though. We were all new once and its all a bit intimidating at first. I hope you will settle in and things will seem a little less daunting. The place is full of loons but they are lovely loons so dont be scared :P



I wanted to say that i think its absolute testement to your strong will and determination that you havent cut months and months ago! I know i probably would have!! I think anyone in your situation would have been tempted. So well done for lasting so bloody long!!! (pardon the punn)

I also wanted to have a moan at you and tell you off for somethig you said!.......

"It sounds so silly, Im not dying, Im not as poorly as so many people out there but all i want is for this op to happen.Its interfering with my work, its interfering with my social life and now I have to go through another xmas with it. Last year i was in so much pain xmas eve and xmas day i had to miss out on seeing friends who i really only see at xmas.


AHEM!!! It DOES NOT sound silly in the slightest. Everyone of us has a right to be happy and well. Id like to see where it says in the rules that you have to be suffering an X amount of pain, a Y amount of anxiety and a Z amount of suffering to warrant treatment and help???

If its causing you or anyone pain or disress no matter how small it is a valid problem and needs treating. From a paper cut to an organ removal. It doesnt matter that someone else may be waiting for a new head! What matters is YOU and YOU only regarding this. If its hurting you physically and emotionally then its a big problem that needs sorting just as much as anyone else!! So no more thinking this is silly please!!! *sends you to the corner to think about it* :P

As for the cutting..........well **** happens! We all cut for some kind of release, relief, coping mechanism of some sort. Our brains go a little doolally an tell us that its the only way to cope. Be it the need to release pain or to punish ourselves for things we thought we are to blame for. Fact is that its something that is so easy to go back to when things are bad.

However look at what you have acheived. Looks like you have built a life after Self harm with little or no help. Thats pretty amazing!

Like the others said, its a slip. You sound in alot of pain and under alot of stress. Be gentle on yourself. Be kind. Its okay to want to feel well. Its not ok to punish yourself for it.

Be safe

Matthew x

[Lora]

Im so sorry things are so tough for you at the moment, I wish there was more I could do to help, but well done for posting here, we are all lovely and here to help in any way we can..
Well done for not cutting in so long, especially with no real help in doing so...that is amazing! I know how you feel about that aching to cut again, but dont worry, slip ups happen, and going so long without cutting just shows you that you can do it again and how strong you are.
Be kind to yourself hun, youre not well, and you deserve to be well and happy
Im here anytime if you want to chat, my PM box is always open
Love Lora xxxx