May 5 2005: a reflection

[xfaded_dreamx]

on may 5 2005, i stubbed out a cigarette on my arm... and I didn't think much of it.

this was just the latest in a long string of self harm, and god knows i have a string of scars to prove it... even then, i wasn't sure why i was doing it.... i was just... compelled by the events of my life. at the time, i believed that SI played a role in my life... and in dealing with my problems (which were many).

I did not plan it... but that was the last time I SI'ed.

all i had been doing was continuing a pattern.

that was the last time I SI'ed. all the pains have faded, all my scars have turned white.... i can even wear shorts now.

for those of you who have stopped or will stop... i assure you that it is better. life is better without SI... and without the problems that trigger it.

but that doesn't mean that problems will go away... or that the way that you have programmed your brain will change quickly. it takes time... it takes thought... and it takes willpower...

even two and a half years later... it can be hard. there will be a certain point where you feel great and all the sudden plummet... you will be in the middle of others... joy in the air... and all the sudden it will turn to ashes...

but the difference between you now and you then... the difference is that you will be able to stand strong against your urges... to stand strong against the world. because of your maturity and the changes in your life... you will deal with your issues... and overcome them.

for all of you who feel trapped... who feel like there is no way out... who feel like life is closing in their options... forcing them to cutting to save themselves from a reality that cannot be faced: there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

You are the one to make that light. No one else can take that responsibility from you. Your life, and your wellbeing is your own.

Even now... two and a half years after my last SI, i can feel it. the urge. it is inside me. But it does not control me. I am its Master.


Trust me: If i can do it, you can.

Even now, there are certain times that I contemplate SI, but this is how I have come to view it:

if i reach for my blade... i will not pull it out... if i do get it out... i wont hold it against my skin... if i hold it against my skin... i will not consider the possibility of using it... if i do consider using it... i WILL resist.

And I won't use it.

And my life is better for it.



For those of you still actively SI'ing: I will not just say good luck, because this is not solely a matter of luck. It is also a matter of willpower and self-control.... it is a matter of controlling your life. To stop, you need to take responsibility.... you need to see the sources of your problems, and work to fix them. Until you do that, you will be fighting a losing battle.

your enemy isn't SI... its the conditions in your life that lead you to SI. once you deal with those... all the rest will fall into place.


With that... (and hoping at least someone is still reading)... good luck... GodSpeed... and may you wish the best for yourself.

Sincerely,
Michael

[butterfly525]

Wow, that was amazing and inspiring to read. I will remember what you have said. Thanks for sharing, and I'm glad that you have recovered and stayed strong through the urges and learned so much in the process.

Thanks again!

[crazykat]

Thanks for sharing this with us. It is really inspirational and amzing what you have written.

[Angel_Girl]

That's exactly how I feel. *hugs* Thanks for sharing.