Triggering (SI) - Sat here, alone, almost crying but numb

[Lora]

I just..dont know anymore
I really dont
I dont know how I feel
And I hate it
I hate feeling, I hate emotion, bad, and even good,

I wish that, for just one day I could not think about ways to hurt myself, or ways to kill myself, for just one day, I would like to not think about hurting

But I cant, not at all, so I guess Im not doing very good

A few months ago I took an OD, I was in A&E 5 times in the same week as the OD, for stitches. I guess the OD was the last straw. But I ended up in hospital for a couple of days. After that, my family found out about everything, including RYL, and read all my posts, so Ive stayed away for a while. Since then, i realsied how much Id hurt my family and friends, so I knew I had to be ok, and I was for a little while, I even managed to not cut for 5 weeks, but it got to much, the cutting came back, not as bad, but it was there again, but no one could know, my family threatened hospital after the OD as it was, threatened to make me leave uni, so the mask went back on.

Things never really got any better, I just pretended they were, maybe even hoping I might believe it.

I tried to stop cutting, and it didnt really work, then the came drinking most nights on my own, just to not think for a while, just to feel ok, or something, I ended up drinking before work, jujst to get to work and make it through the shift, once I ended up very drunk by the time I got to work, and ran into a small child and sent her flying, and all I could do was sit in a heap on the florr, i couldnt even get up. After that I tried to not drink beofre work, but I ended up overdosing on my anxiety meds just to get through the shift at work.

Nothing is good, nothing, I tried to pretend to everyone, and hope that I would believe it too, but its not working, and I cant fight anymore, now Im trying not to OD, drink and cut, and its not working

Im sick of feeling, i want to feel nothing, absolutly nothing

Im falling
Ive fallen
Im gone

[pea soup]

*snuggles you close*
i know what its like to not want to feel anything.
and im sorry i dont know what to tell you.
i think maybe seeing someone to talk to like a therapist might help you to sort out your feelings.
keeping you in my thoughts.
much love.
xx

[xxhappydaysxx]

im sorry you feel so bad, and also sorry i dont have much productive to say. I completely understand everything you said, and tbh i feel the same, especially today. but you have to keep going, cos theres hope of everthing getting better as long as your still here, and still trying to fight it. the only way theres no hope is if we stop fighting
love you lots xx

[chocostashchick]

i am so sorry lora
it sounds like you are going through hell right now
i think that you really need to talk to somebody and find out what is going on and what is making you so unhappy
it is so great that you got some of this out on here
keep talking
do you have a doctor or a counselor you can talk to?
you dont deserve to feel like this
please look after yourself and pm me if you ever want to talk

[Margo]

Lora when we pretend things are ok to apease others we are treading a very dangerous path. A path that will only lead to more pain and suffering for us.

Lora its time to stop pretending and let them know the pain you are suffering. They will be there to help and there is help available. However if you pretend all is well then the help will not be there because it will be percieved that its not needed.

Those around you will not want you to suffer like this. They would much rather you be truthful than try to hide this from them.

Its ok to be ill. Its ok to be overwhelmed! Its ok to ask for help!

Take care

Matthew xxx

[Mandimoo]

when people close to you ask how you are, tell them honestly in places graphically, to shock them, to get the message home that oyu are not ok and don't want to hide anymore.

as others have said, get a good counsellor. mand x