Firstly, apologies for being absent for so long and for now asking for your support.
I have missed you all and do check in occasionally. I guess life got in the way, in what I thought was a good way but things have been much harder again recently due to work stress and friendships and in the last few days it's all come crashing down relationship wise as well.
Some background/context - most of you might know I met a guy last year, he moved on to his next student placement at the end of August (he's on a three year traineeship spending a year at three different places) and has still been coming back here to visit every month or so as he's a 3.5 hour drive away.
Work is pretty shitty, there's such a bad vibe there at the moment... It's stressful, a lot is being asked of me/us and I've been wondering for a long time how much I genuinely enjoy it anymore, whether the benefits of living and working where I do outweigh the awful atmosphere and terrible team of people.
I've also changed my attitude a bit to my best friend/colleague... Something has changed but I think it's one-sided from my direction. I find her increasingly draining. She's been through a lot in the past few years and I'm her main support but it's constant and sometimes just way too much to cope with.
It's no secret that I probably have some sort of undiagnosed depression, probably other things too, which I have been denying for too long and avoiding getting help for because I've learned to "get by" and function on my own. The main problem now appears to be that that attitude was fine when it was just affecting me, however it now affects someone else too.
Last year I had a few mini-meltdowns which involved lots of crying and not being able to explain why. The reasons were probably tiny but it's all these little things that build up in my head and then come out in a big mess.
So that happened last weekend. Big crying mess... I eventually came downstairs on my own to try and gather myself together, was literally just sitting with the cat, when D came downstairs to check on me and because of the state I was in and history of self harm said that he was really concerned about what he was going to find when he opened the door. I didn't realise how much it worried him until that point.
Then I got a phone call yesterday night saying that basically it's all become a bit intense, that he shouldn't need to have those thoughts, that he feels like my happiness is a bit of a burden on him.
He also thinks that because I'm with him that I should be happy, which I am mostly when he's here and my happiness levels last year did increase massively, but I tried to explain it's not that simple and that it's two separate things - the effects of depression and the effects of him.
So the phone call was a lot and I feel like a such a terrible shitty person for causing him to feel that way and also that I didn't realise. I'm also worried that this is the end of us because I won't be able to change that much or that I've got myself into something that was never going to work in the first place.
That said, the day before the phone call I had already made a mental health appointment with Bupa, which is tomorrow afternoon. And that is a big step for me...
This has rambled on a bit longer than I intended...
Anyway, appointment tomorrow. Don't really know what to say - there seems to be too many factors involved, I'm not sure what the main problem is.
And I don't really have anyone to talk to IRL without explaining the reasons... I've kept it all secret for so long and I've hurt one person enough already.
It just hurts so badly to know that I'm the problem, that this has really confirmed that there is something wrong with me and that I'm causing so much distress to the one person I really care about.
Thanks for reading... I'm aware I haven't asked any specific questions but some reassurance or kind words would be appreciated.
(Edit: I don't know why I put this in Serious (it is 2am...) it's probably more suited to somewhere else)
Last edited by nonperson : 02-02-2025 at 03:19 AM.
Hey np. I have missed you in GC and I'm SO glad you've felt able to post for support.
I'm afraid I don't have any words of wisdom or advice, but just wanted to say good luck for your appointment tomorrow. Be honest with them.
And post here for support as much as you like! I'm hoping someone will come along and be more help than I have been.
And a huge well done for making the appointment also <3
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
And btw, you are not 'a problem'
As much as it hurts to feel like you cause someone distress (i know, as i feel i do it to L sometimes) you can't help your feelings, and you shouldn't hide them for the sake of another person, because that doesn't help anyone, especially not you! When you're in a relationship, you accept ALL of a person, and recognise that things aren't going to be good 100% of the time, because that's not life (unfortunately!)
You take the good with the bad.
I really hope the appointment helps
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
Thank you for saying that. I think I needed someone to say it.
It's hard because a relationship IS between two people but it feels like the problem is all me at the moment. And I definitely hide my feelings far too much so it all comes out in one go and turns into something worse than it should be.
I totally get that. I felt the same way. Still do sometimes.
It's bloody difficult!
Have you spoken to him about it? How you feel like you're a problem?
Obviously every relationship and person is different, but i find talking things through really helps both of us. Otherwise you overthink. Personally, I make up scenarios in my head of what she may be thinking, when its often the complete opposite.
Please let me know if I'm talking about myself too much!
Like I said, everyone and every relationship is different so these things may not apply at all!
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
Hi, NP. It's lovely to see you but obviously not great that you are struggling. It sounds like you have a lot going on and you are realising it and focusing on it more than you might have allowed yourself to do in the past. I understand trying to block things out and just get by but that's not the best way to deal with things. I am so proud of you for making an appointment, please let us know how you get on if that's ok. This is a huge and positive first step and yes it might be difficult to begin with if you are offered some support and that involves you looking at things that you're struggling with but it is way more useful in the long term than just keeping things inside and not dealing with them. You deserve support.
If you haven't already had your appointment and you see this, it can be helpful to write everything down and then put them in some sort of order with a brief explanation so you can say to the person 'I have x amount of things that are important to me right now' so you can make sure you get to say everything or have further contact if you can't cover it all.
Good luck.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Good luck with your appointment this afternoon, I hope it goes well.
In terms of D - I wouldn’t necessarily say your relationship is over. I can understand feeling like you’re a ‘problem’, but I think what D means is that it’s a lot for someone to support someone who is depressed without any professional support. I think he mostly brought up what he said because he wants you to get professional support, rather than saying you’re a ‘problem’. It’s a scary place to be when you’re scared of what you’re walking into, I’ve been there. I think it’s important to talk to him about it, and say that you don’t want the relationship to end so you’re making steps and see what he says. Ultimately (and I know this is easier said and I sound slightly patronising) if he’s the one for you, he’ll accept you for who you are and if he walks away just because you’re experiencing difficulties, well then do you really want him anyway?
Thanks everyone. Appointment went ok. I'm being referred for CBT.
Lindsay - I did write everything down in a sort of order and planned what to say. It was helpful.
Beckie - we did sort of talk about it the other day after "the" phone call but I was mostly in tears and we were both in a weird place to talk about it properly. I don't know if he's going to call tonight or if I should ring him, I'm not really sure where I stand but I'm sure we'll talk about it more whenever we next speak.
It's a complicated relationship, I guess. At the moment my head is saying it is never going to work... but I don't think that's what either of us really want.
Sorry for the patchy responses to people. My head is a bit fried.
That sounds positive, NP. Do you feel like this could be helpful or are you still trying to get your head around things? I hope you can work through things with D. Be kind to yourself if you can, you have taken a big step.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
It probably will be helpful. It's what it's designed for, right? I'm not really sure where my head is at though. Just feeling sad and confused right now.
Sad and confused is understandable. I hope you can talk things through and see things a bit more clearly, I find it can help when you get an outsider's point of view because it's really easy to blame yourself and get caught up in that when you're dealing with things yourself.
Did they say how long the waiting list is for CBT?
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm not sure. I'm actually not sure what I'm supposed to do next. Got emailed my referral letter and it says conflicting things. It said to ring Bupa and get "authorisation" but it also said they will call me to make an appointment. I'll wait a couple of days and call.
Yesterday my brain was still in overdrive but I did speak to D about things and we had a conversation more like the normal stuff we talk about so things felt a lot better after that. Plus he seemed a lot happier too so that was also a relief.
I need to not go into my usual procrastination mode now though and call Bupa.
If you set a reminder for a specific time and then just get the number and call it straight away and force yourself to let it ring do you think that might help?
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I called yesterday. Got "authorisation" (I think that word is weird) for 20 sessions and a list of therapists to choose from. I now need to pick one and ring to make an appointment.
Or a couple of them have an online Contact Us form and I'm wondering if that is acceptable to use?
Worried the people I've picked as a first and second choice won't have any appointments soon or that there will be a long wait in which case the momentum will be gone... Ugh. It feels strange picking but how do I know from reading their websites whether they'll be good for me?
I think it would be ok to use their contact forms. Could you maybe think about what you'd like from a therapist/therapy and write some questions that you could ask to try and figure out who suits you best? A lot of it is actually to do with the therapeutic relationship and it can't be predicted how well you will click with the therapist but maybe having a bit of an introductory chat with people will help.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
