It's becoming too hard and I want it to end [Triggers]

[zowie]

Hello. I've been a bit of a post-whore all over RYL recently, and I'm sorry. I just feel so desperate for support and I'm so confused where to turn.
Just sympathy is fine. As my partner said last night, I'm just an 'over-emotional attention-seeker'.

I have to stop injuring myself because my partner has made it clear that he will not tolerate it, and I don't want to loose him.

I am struggling to feel anything positive about myself, especially physically. I want to cut and burn myself all over, I want to starve myself.

I'm between meds, and being put on Mitazapine soon. I'm scared that the side effects include weight gain.

I want to turn to someone who will deal with me in a matter-of-fact way; my CW is too gentle and friend-like. It's hard to take her seriously, and I don't feel that she can offer me much except for coping-skills. Which I have never prospered from. I want to feel like I'm being taken seriously; I want someone to understand The Statue and not talk about it so casually (like she does). I want someone to help me make it go the **** away.

I want my partner to understand how awful I feel without ridiculing me. When I become too emotional he tells me I'm being too girly, and that I've changed. I don't feel I've changed, I feel like I have become more comfortable to express myself in front of him. Which might have been a mistake I suppose. He can be so supportive at times, but I think he just likes to believe that he is immune to emotions. It's starting to get to me that yes, I can turn to him, but he probably wont react (in most cases) the way I would like. (Eg. Being vicious and spiteful about self harm).

I keep having flashbacks to the night my mum died. I've started to think alot more strongly about things that I did so wrong before she died, feeling lonely and sad that she's not here and never will be. It's like, almost three years on it's hit me really hard.

If I can't get better, I want to die.

[sisterbig]

zowie: You've got a lot going on. I know how important it is to have a good therapist to help you. I've had both and it can make a night and day difference. Is there anyway you can get another one? It sounds like you really need more support.

I relate to what you are saying about your partner. I have the same problems. It's so hard to not be able to hurt yourself when it's all you want to do. I think (this is from my own experience with my partner) that sometimes people like your partner ridicule you because they can't deal with the pain you are in. I think sometimes it scares them and they turn on you because they can't face it. At least I've found that to be true for me.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with your mother's passing away. I don't have any experience with that but I do with grief and it is such a deep and hurting feeling. It's almost physical. Can you talk to anyone about your feelings for your mother?

I have felt the way you feel before and it sucks. Please don't give up. If it helps to write, keep on. Take care.

[battlekitten]

As with the ^^^ comment, please don't give up and always know that you can tell us how you feel.

It sounds like it took a lot for you to be able to talk to your partner, so it must be hard that you're not getting the support you need right now. I'm sorry, I don't have any good advice, only hugs and an open PM box anytime you want.

xx

[blondiebear]

Men really are "from Mars" and just don't understand things the way we do. Then we here are sensitive. As well as being a burden the sensitivity can be a gift.

I've been married for 18 years and it's taken a lot of time for my husband to learn how to be compassionate towards me. Now he tolerates the death grip in the middle of the night when i've had a nightmare and that sometimes I just feel too depressed to do the grocery shopping.

Hang in there. Talk to us.
A cherishing hug to you.

[zowie]

Thank you for the comments.
Having a bad day. Hallucinated badly last night, I thought there were snakes inside the ceiling. The Statue stayed next to me all night.
I feel weak today.
I want to go home and sleep after my next lecture. But I have so much cleaning to do once I get there.
I ate lunch today, which means I have to give him an excuse why I wont eat dinner. But he'll end up making me. I asked to see the counsellor today, just to keep me going and as a distraction from throwing up but she can't, so I think I'm going to go and purge which I hate doing. But I hate being fat more.
I want to self harm so much my head is spinning. I'm on the edge of tears.

[hammy]

Hi Zowie, sorry you're struggling at the moment , hugs
Being inbetween meds can be bad enough without feeling the way you do.

I really hope that you find some way of not cutting. I know how you feel about the food thing, but you dont need to punish youself like that hunni.

As for the hallincinations, I would see a pysch about that one so you can get stable again ( perhaps you are already?)

Keep on fighting, it's a tough battle, but one that you can get through. sorry i cant be of much help.
much love xxx hammy

[zowie]

Hello people. You're all great :)

I've had an awful couple of days. I finally picked up my new script and started taking 15mg Mirtazapine on Tuesday night (It's going up to 30mg in a week). On Wednesday I felt really out of it and disorientated, like I do when I'm really low. I felt like I wasn't real.
I was sitting in a lesson and I could see The Statue and I suddenly wanted to scream and hurt myself and everyone else around me. I wanted to SH so badly that I made a few small but fairly deep cuts just to test if the tool I had was sharp enough. So I went to the college counsellor's room and told her how I felt and everything went wrong.
Basically, I ended up sitting in an office with four different people discussing what to with me as if I wasn't there. They were talking about hospitals and ambulances, and all sorts of uneccessary ****. Eventually they called my key worker and told her I was unsafe and they were afraid I was going to attempt suicide...Which I had not said.
I ended up being escorted to see her, who agreed with me that they had not helped but just made my anxiety worse and made me feel like an absolute ****.
I got through it all though. Took the day off college yesterday and ate loads of binge food instead of SHing. The binging carried this morning and I had a doughnut and a hot chocolate for breakfast. So I'm not allowed to eat again until Sunday.
Sorry for ranting, I just feel so **** right now. I want to cut or burn myself so much I'm actually thinking of every scenario I can to plan how I would stop my partner from finding out.