Things feel really hopeless right now. I was referred to therapy at the start of September last year, finally got to the top of the list at the end of May this year and had a couple of sessions (maybe like 6?) then my therapist left for another job so no more therapy until someone else is free. Not gonna lie, she opened a big can of worms to do with my mum and other stuff from my childhood and now I’m left with horrific nightmares almost every night which she was supposed to help me with but then fucked off.
I’m really struggling not to hurt myself, last night I woke up in the middle of the night after a particularly graphic nightmare and was about to cut but my partner whatsapped me something silly and I didn’t because that brought me out of myself and I just FaceTimed her instead. I know she’d be really hurt if I hurt myself but the urges are really strong.
She does know moat of what is going on, I had a rant at her yesterday morning about various things and she wants me to phone 111 when I go and stay with her tomorrow night but I’m not sure what good it’ll do - they can’t magically make the nightmares go away, fix any of the circumstantial things that are going on or magically make another therapist available. Just at a bit of a loss
So sorry you're going through all this and have been left to manage on your own. Would speaking to a GP be better than 111 to see if they can do anything practical? I've never spoken to the MH people on 111 but if you think they could help you with techniques or settle things down when you are distressed then definitely give it a try. I have had vivid nightmares throughout the day and morning for years now, I usually just try to take some time to process them and move on asap but it can be hard if it is a particularly distressing one and I wake up from it. I don't know if I have any advice about dealing with nightmares really which is very unhelpful of me but you are not alone and I know how awful it can be to go through. Could you reach out to your partner more when you're feeling like you're going to self harm? I wouldn't want self harm to become a kind of reaction to your nightmares if they are regular. Sometimes it can help to talk through your nightmares or write them down if you don't have someone to talk to. Do you have any safe ways to self soothe? I hope you can get your support back soon and also find a way to look after yourself.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
GP is beyond unhelpful, the last time I saw him about mh stuff he refused to refer me to the CMHT because my local autism service (which is basically defunct, been waiting 4 years for them to see me) is more appropriate. He’s right, they probably are from what I’ve heard about them but been waiting 4 years so not hopeful they’ll help.
Ended up spending Saturday and Sunday night with partner, that helped. Didn’t end up phoning 111 but did email my support worker and she saw me this morning. It did help to talk things through, she’s gonna get in touch with the counselling service for me and say that I need to be seen asap and chase up autism service, but did say that they are focusing on diagnosis and not management. Asked me what I’d been referred for (OT input to help manage sensory issues) and said that they don’t currently have any OTs so she’s going to look into what else might help, whether that be seeing her more often (only see her when I need to) and advocacy with jobcentre but thats hard to arrange because all appointments are mandatory and sometimes the date I’m goven she can’t do. I did look into the medical/ESA route but GP refused to sign me off for more than a month and by the time assessment came around, it had run out and they told me I didn’t qualify without one. Support worker is of the opinion I probably don’t need a work capability assessment as I’m quite high functioning (currently doing a teaching qualification) and that advocacy rather than getting GP to sign me off might be more helpful. Currently waiting to hear if someone can come with me to my jobcentre appointment on the 5th, support worker isn’t working that day but has emailed her colleagues that are to see if one of them can go with me.
Sounds like your support worker is good at least. Maybe if you were able to see her more regularly for a while and look into your options it would help a bit. Fingers crossed someone supportive can come with you to the job centre.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
we are glad you still have support worker at least
its so shitty that there are so few options for support. we assume trying to pay for a therapist human yourself to help with the trauma stuff is not an option?
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
Private therapy would be an option but unsure of where to start. Tried it before and got ghosted ie didn’t ever hear back despite multiple phone calls and messages left with her husband. It was weird, had a couple of sessions with her and then she just disappeared off the face of the earth (not unlike last therapist). Could ask support worker to refer me to the other counselling service in town, but they aren’t specifically for trauma stuff so don’t know if they’d just say that rasac would be the best place anyway.
Have decided to try and do some of the stuff autism service amd OT would teach me on my own with partners help. I already have a lot of coping mechanisms for sensory issues (particularly noise) but because its summer its worse - the heat and lawnmowers being particularly likely to trigger sensory issues. Another thing I’m finding hard to cope with is the amount of men going about with their tops off, its extremely triggering amd is what is contributing to the nightmares, ex therapist knew this but still decided to leave in the middle of our sessioms.
Am seeing a benefits advisor at my local one stop shop tomorrow at 5, so hopefully she’ll be able to help with the job centre stuff. Partner floated the idea of making a complaint against the person I see at the job centre because he’s overly aggressive and doesn’t listen to me when I explain things so will see what benefits advisor says about that too.
those all sound like potential good things to follow up on! rasac is the place that the therapist human left from right? so maybe if you go to the other counselling place and explain what happened and that you need support right now they might have something? dunno.
summer noise is really awful for us too. can relate.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
Benefits advisor was helpful. She thinks support worker was right and I don’t qualify for a work capability assessment, so that means looking for a job. She agrees full time would be too much (as proven in the past) so someone will come with me to my next jobcentre appointment and explain it to them. She thinks I do need to put on a complaint but says she’ll leave support worker to deal with that side of things when I see her next. She’s going to tell her to get in touch with me once the schools go back and her hours go back to normal.
Also heard back from RASAC. They explained that something happened with therapist human and she quit pretty quickly and usually this wouldn’t happen, and are seeing me within the next two weeks. If I need to see them before then I can ask for a crisis appointment and I’ll usually be seen the same day so that feels better. Don’t think I need a crisis appointment currently, I’m managing now I know whats happening.
She also contacted other counselling service and they said they would take on a referral, but did say that RASAC would be more appropriate because of the specific resources they have. They still can help though, so might be worth looking into if rasac don’t keep their promise and see me within 2 weeks.
I think I feel okay about it. Its only two weeks until the schools go back so shouldn’t be waiting too long for things to go back to normal re support worker’s hours etc. We managed the busy bus uesterday coming back from my appointment without any issues.
I am worried about a few things but all I can do is wait to see if anyone is coming with me to the jobcentre on Monday or not. Both support worker and benefits advisor did say that they’d emailed everyone working on Monday so all I can do is wait for them to reply and then for support worker to tell me.
ETA: RASAC literally just emailed me after I posted this, I’m seeing someone on Wednesday at 3pm and I get another 12 sessions, so I have to start at the beginning but I guess thats better than only having 6 because I had 6 with old therapist human.
Someone is coming with me, support worker managed to get someone. Afterwards have arranged to see my aunt, no doubt she’ll want to discuss K’s wedding (I disclosed to her while she was very, very drunk) but hopefully not. Will probably want to talk about the new baby, my sister is pregnant. I am excited but I can’t help but feel jealous too. Not because I want a kid, I don’t but she’s 6 hears younger than me and has her life sorted while mine is a mess.
so glad you were able to get someone to go with you! how did it go?
re aunt we hope it went as okay a possible. we know you usually get on with her. it makes sense to feel jealous of sister but we also know how much you love the one baby too even with the mixed feelings. we hope the new one is as good and cute for you to love.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
It went ok. New person was very nice, she was funny and made me laugh. We sat in Cafe Nero after my appointment and discussed things, I am still on the waiting list for an OT assessment but they don’t know how long it’ll be. Also discussed jobcentre and doing another limited capability for work assessment but still feel like its cheating and I don’t deserve to have extra money etc. I already on ADP and it took Claire a long time to convince me to apply, I feel similarly about applying for limited capability to work.
Aunt and I had a nice afternoon :). We mostly talked about A (her grandson) and she showed me pictures of him. She updated me about her life now that she’s retired and it was just a lovely visit. I’m glad I went.
A sent a video of H’s baby in her tummy, he/she (too early to tell) was moving about and you can see their legs and arms forming. She looks a good size for how far along she is, so thats good news, and I got to see my future neice or nephew :). Its starting to feel real now that I’ve seen them amd H is past the 12 week mark. She told us (N, me, dad and sister in law) before her first scan, but now she’s had it she’s told the rest of the family and thats made it really real.
so glad that the new human was nice and things went well with your aunt. congrats on the new niece or nephew! they're gonna be so lucky to have you as an aunt! :)
we don't really understand all the benefits stuff but we are glad you have humans trying to help you sort things out.
how did things go with the new therapist human today? thinking of you
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
It was weird. She was nice enough, but we went over time because she wasn’t keeping an eye on it and I was her last appointment of the day. When she realised we’d gone over, she said ‘it’s quarter past four!’ as if it was my fault. I apologised and she said ‘thats ok, you’ll just have to keep an eye on the time next week.’ How is not keeping an eye on when my appointment was due to finish my fault?! Surely thata up to her, or am I just being stupid?
