The bullying has gotten worse and so has my anxiety
I've been bullied since last semester, almost a whole year now. The rumors haven't lightened and the treatment I'm getting has become worse.
In short, the rumors are about me and another student, saying that we're gay. I don't see as to why I have to prove myself, but no, they're not true. I get glared at in the hallways. People seem to look me up and down and smile as a way to laugh at me. I've been reported to the staff several times, too. Someone even took a picture of us and reported it to multiple staff members. I've had someone yell "gay" at me as I came into class. Someone aimed their phone at us on the bus, too. I'm just adding more and more on, but the rumors even went outside of the school and was the gossip for some middle aged women. My parent and my friend's parent have been asked if either one of us is actually gay.
The aura and the energy around some is hostile, unwelcoming, vile, sickening, it really is disgusting and it makes me uneasy. I feel as though I'm being treated as if I have a disease. People seem to avoid me, not that I care much, but it hurts.
I am going to leave after finals which has relieved some of my stress, but still. We have talked to the principal who was unaware of what was going on and they will try and speak with the students we're speculative of but they probably won't be reprimanded. Which means again, I won't get my justice. And that leads to a whole vine of bad thoughts.
homophobic bullies can be the worst. my experience is a bit different as I am gay, but what you describe is pretty standard. there unfortunately isn't a whole lot you can do but try to drown them out or ignore them. playing music in earbuds helps tune them out. remember, they're just kids and think what they're doing will make them happier or more popular, which it won't.
hopefully, the principal will help you or reprimand them. finding some good teachers can help a lot too.
have you talked to your parent about what's happening?
" I am lost without you here and outside it looks like rain."
A lot of the people there seem to have miserable lives. That doesn't validate their acting out by continuing to spread false rumors. Even if I was gay, even if I am, it doesn't matter in the end. No one there besides the few friends I have actually tried to get to know me. They decided I was filthy and pushed me away.
My parents are fully well aware of what's happening. They've known from the very start. They've been called by 2 different principals about it (I've been reported twice). They've noticed how I'm reluctant to go to school, too, and it's been commented on before.
It's just disappointing and it hurts. Going to a new school was supposed to be a fresh start and now it's been dirtied. I don't think anyone is doing it for popularity but rather out of spite or hatred towards someone they don't know and towards someone who's obviously different. The culture is different from where I lived before so what I look like- my clothes, my hair, etc.- is different for them and they have nothing to relate it to so they make assumptions. It's hard to drown it out when it feels like I'm being visibly separated from everyone. I really just feel like a bug.
is it middle school or high school? either way, I promise things will get better. it wasn't until my junior year of high school that I had consistent friends, and even then I'll probably lose touch with a few after high school.
if it's middle school, things will probably look a bit better when you get to high school, a lot of high schools have things like gaming clubs, and there's more space for community to form. also, a lot of middle schoolers are just not as mature as they think they are, so bullying is a lot more common in middle schools.
if it's high school, then remember that those kids also aren't as mature as they think they are. anyone you meet in high school won't really remember you unless you keep in touch. eventually, you'll get out of school, and things will get better, and you'll find the right people. it's hard but you can get through it, and community helps a lot.
dressing differently isn't something you need to worry about. With TV and the internet being as common as it is, most folks have probably seen it before. you don't have to change the way you dress/look to please other people, long term it doesn't do much but make you not yourself. you'll find your people eventually, promise.
" I am lost without you here and outside it looks like rain."
I'm in high school and hope to graduate by 2024. It's a small school so they don't have anything like clubs, unfortunately. I am in the school band and they get together on occasion, but it's not really the same. It doesn't help that it also feels as if everyone in the entire school knows and they most likely do since it's small.
I do have a few friends, less than what I can count on one hand. I don't mind it, though. I'll continue to dress/look how I want but I've tried taking myself apart piece by piece to analyze what could be seen wrongly.
At this point I'm only complaining. I don't know how to explain it other than it's hard. I had a less than happy upbringing and I'm haunted by the past. I have more shame, regret, guilt, self hatred, etc., now because of my current school situation. I'm complaining about things that don't matter anymore, ah. There's really no point in mourning the past since it can't be changed.
Regardless, thank you. I tend to overwhelm myself in the details rather than the entirety of something. What I'm trying to say is that I get caught up in my emotions and my situation that I fail to look at it logically and at the bigger picture. So being able to talk to someone helps me to take a step backwards and actually see.
Just wanted to say that I left school 12 years ago and don't really have any contact with the people I went to school with. Bullying really sucks and my past experiences still affect me sometimes but once I left school the bullying stopped and I had time to focus on rebuilding myself and at Uni I found people who shared the interests that people at school made fun of me for. Uni was a much bigger place so there was a much bigger breadth of interests and clubs. And noone cared about people orientation or gender identity.
Are there any non school, non religious associated youth groups in your area? My local scout group her in the UK is where I found more acceptance when I was school age as we had shared interests and there weren't really cliques. But I am aware scouts in the US is separated by gender and can be not religious so might not be what you want.
I finished with my finals today so I'm basically done with that school. I think it'll relieve some of my stress. I think what doesn't help is that they're young and immature.
I'm unsure of any groups or scouts around me. But then again, I don't really feel comfortable trying to meet new people or being forced into an awkward environment. I have a habit of separating myself from everyone else but it feels safer that way at the moment. And I don't want to see anyone from school outside of school. I might look into some groups or activities or clubs or something. I have some interests, but even if there were a lot of people, I'd probably just stay quiet.
