Triggering (SI) - so im doing well...

pez_barbie · 05-12-2007, 12:32 AM

in theory im doing great, a few little hiccups and a lot of bad days, but all in all im almost 2 yrs free. Jan 5th this year will be 2 yrs since i tried to stop again. i managed my first year with only 2 slip ups, one being a week ago last year, making next week 1 year completely free. what i managed easily most of the time was to deal with the **** life threw at me differently, not to SI when i was feeling low. and this has worked, yet sometimes i get... "bored" for want of a better word. i want to cut. now this is where it gets odd because before i rarely cut, instead doing a lot of painful but mostly superficial damage with my nails and other semi sharp things. but since ive stopped then these feelings of "bordem" make me want to be even more distructive, i look at parts of me and i can see, well envision (sp?) not hallucinate, my flesh being sliced open and bleeding. it doesnt happen because of how i feel, just sometimes i get that question "how would it feel? would it hurt? would i still enjoy it?" etc. when it happens its difficult because as i say im not feeling low so i know not to cut i can be rational about it, but its almost haunting me. i've only told one person about this so far and the advice i recieved shocked me so it took a while for me to post this, but dont worry about shocking or triggering me now, i need advice more than i need treating nicely.

Bitter_Angel · 05-12-2007, 12:55 AM

its natural to feel this way. For a long time you probably found comfort within thepain of injuring. You say your bored, but perhaps insteaad of bordeom your looking for some type of acceptance and comfort. I get hte visuallisng thing too. But remember that you are only craving that feeling. There are plenty of other ways to get a similalr emotion, perhaps find something which offers you further comfort. Perhaps curling up in a comfy chair with a good book and a hot chocolate. Or a nice warm bath.

You dont need to go back to self harm. Remember the bad points of it, not jut the good ones.

Take care
Kim

pez_barbie · 05-12-2007, 01:01 AM

thanks Kims x

you are right i still like the comfort in a way, emotionally i think im ok without it, but physically there's still something there. and im glad someone gets the visualising thing, for a while it got really bad, but then at the same time i was just thinking it, was very odd

battlekitten · 05-12-2007, 11:15 PM

Yeah, I get the visualisation thing, and it's hard I know because it can be really distracting and for me at least can happen at any time, like when I feel ok. So um, I guess I just wanted to say that I know it's scary but it's not weird or anything and generally Kim has good advice

sparklyshoes · 06-12-2007, 01:41 AM

I used to visualise it a lot when I first stopped cutting, it got quite bad so I had to put tubi grip on my arms to stop me from doing anything before I could rest to go to sleep. You are doing really really well and if you did decide to cut again think first of all the progress you have made. I'd just say try to distract yourself when you are having these thoughts by doing something you enjoy or get lost in a book or something. Sorry if this is useless. xx

Seraphsigh · 06-12-2007, 08:19 AM

Damn,I know what you mean. Though I haven't been in recover even remotely as long as you have (rock on), the boredom thing is definitely a big point in my life too.
This is going to sound weird, but I've found that eating peanut butter works well (maybe it's just me), and violently punching soft objects. Though these things, and the others mentioned, might not seem as satisfying, they often work.
If you've quit smoking, it's similar...just getting yourself past the initial craving is 90% of it.

Hope you can get past it...you've come this far!