I just can't seem to sort myself out.

[sloth.]

I've locked myself out of my actual account because I'm a fool and can't for the life of me remember my login details

Anyway, I have posted about this before, quite a while ago, and people had really helpful suggestions which I have tried and spectacularly failed to put into practice.

I just can't seem to get and stay on top of normal life tasks. And none of the reasons I give for it seems to actually be the reason. For a long time I put it down to mental health but I've been well for a long time now and it hasn't really improved that much. Then I put it down to working too much and being exhausted. But I moved to a much less stressful team and I started doing compressed hours to give myself some extra time outside of work and that hasn't helped either.

I just... can't get things done. I can't keep on top of chores and laundry and cooking. I really don't know why. I am awful at replying to messages and keeping in touch with people even though I WANT to. I try to set myself small realistic goals and still don't manage it. I try to develop routines but it never gets any easier. I set reminders on my phone but I can close them and then forget what I meant to do a second later. Or I can know what I need to do and sit for hours telling myself to do it but not actually move.

I hate it and I don't understand why everything feels so hard. I work and although I do struggle with things at work too, I have strategies in place and I manage. So why can't I manage at home?

It honestly causes me so much distress and I don't want to be like this but I don't know how to change. I do know that everyone struggles more than they'd like to admit, but other people seem to manage better than I do.

Anyone else?

[nonperson]

Yes that is me to a tee. No advice to give unfortunately but I would also like to know the solution =(

[Moonlight Princess]

This is something I can very much relate to as well so you're cetainly not alone! I pick up some some frustration from your post about not knowing WHY you experience this so I just wanted to say I think eventually you will get to the bottom of what's happening, it just might be a longer process than you would like and you might have to go through a few times of feeling , 'no that isn't what's happening for me' That's okay and that still gets you closer to understanding this for yourself.

I'm trying to figure out some of the reasons why I struggle with some of the things you mention so here are my thoughts about what could be happening for me. You may or may not relate to some of these but it could set some thoughts of for you. Essentially these are some ways my brain trolls me into making daily tasks seem harder than they actually are.

• From being overwhelmed when I was unwell my brain remembers that doing stuff like replying to messages etc felt overwhelming so why would I want to do it now? Maybe it will be overwhelming and I'll be unable to cope? Cue massive avoidance in response to that thought.
• If I do one task then that will just lead to more feelings or tasks that could also feel overwhelming e.g reply to one message but then feel guilty about not replying to other messages, or get up early and I might be faced with something else overwhelming so wouldn't it be easier to stay in bed? And so and so forth
• I sometimes feel like I will fail at whatever I try so my brain says why start trying to make these small changes, when have you ever achieved them?
• My brain sometimes trolls me and says 'why do you deserve to work towards the life you want? At work this affects me less because other people depend on me but if it's just for me it's harder to care about what I'm doing sometimes.

• Sometimes I just don't know how to do some of these daily tasks and that's not my fault, it's just that I've been unwell a few times now where I've just been trying to get through life. Understandably some things fall by the wayside and some of these are daily life admin tasks

If none of these resonate with you that's absolutely fine. I was wondering some other things when I read your post

• How long have you struggled with this?
• What strategies at work have helped you?

[Accidentally Abstract]

Yeah, I can relate. Some things are just a ridiculous struggle and they seem silly even though they aren't. Example: I struggle to shower due to a phobia. Such a simple thing which I now find difficult. Or when I had to clean the oven and realised that I was in my 30s and had never cleaned an oven and had no clue how to and felt like an idiot.

For me, a lot of it ended up being due to being neurodivergent (autistic) and now I can give myself a bit of a break, but sometimes these things are just harder due to our mental health as well, and that's okay - even if it doesn't feel like it is.

Sending some love and solidarity. You're not on your own.

[Auror.]

definitely not just you.

for us it helps to think about what is stopping us from doing the thing, or what is making the thing hard. once we identify the barriers we can... sometimes.... figure out ways around them.

and just plenty of self compassion and grace if they are still not doable. beating yourself up and adding shame on top of not doing the thing just at least for us, tends to make it worse.

[sloth.]

Thank you all so much for the thoughtful replies. I'm sorry it's taken me so long to come back to this but I have been thinking about it.

It's something I've always struggled with to varying degrees I think. It's been worse when I've been struggling more with my mental health but I always find it hard to stay on top of normal life stuff.

I think that is a really good suggestion about finding things overwhelming because of how it was when you were unwell. I think that is part of it for me. And also I think maybe part of it is learned behaviour? Like, my parents have their own struggles so household tasks and keeping in touch with people and keeping appointments were always difficult for them when I was a child and I think I've never really learned to establish routines and small tasks seem like a bigger deal than they are.

I also realised that I'm in a weird cycle where I don't feel like I can do things I want to do or things that are for me unless everything that I 'have to' do is done. But the list of things I have to do is never realistically going to have everything ticked off. Like, if all my cleaning tasks aren't done I feel like I can't relax and do things I want like crafting or going to the gym. So I'm just in this endless cycle of not doing everything I feel I should and berating myself for it which makes it harder. I'm trying to change that now.

Things that help at work are being realistic about what I can get done in a day, so I'll have a list of what needs done through the week and then in the morning I'll make a priority list of tasks that most urgently need doing that day. I'm not good at working from home, I get too easily distracted so I try to go in to the office most of the time which is easier because it feels like I'm specifically there to work. And I'll set timers for myself so I know I only have to focus for x minutes at a time and then I can have a short break and go for a wander or whatever!

[Bellatrix]

I relate to this so hard.

Half the time I don't even know what I do with my day but nothing has got done and yet I have not relaxed at all.

[Pi.R^2]

Hello, I do not have much to add to what was already said as there's been loads of awesome thoughts.

I have my usual middle-class suggestion of if you can afford it, pay a human to do some of the things? Getting a cleaner has really been a game-changer for me and personally I'd rather forgo one or two luxuries each fortnight to not have to cleaning my stupid house. Obviously not an option for people who already don't have funds for luxuries so apologies for wafting my privilege in your face if this is not an option =S

Also, can you schedule some downtime that is non-negotiable? So maybe on a day off there's some hours where you at least try to do some of the things, but regardless of what happens, there's a few hours cordoned off for crafting or whatever? Because even if you don't achieve much in the productive hours, trying to motivate yourself to be productive is exhausting and you absolutely need guilt-free relaxation time. And who knows, after genuine rest time you might even be more productive!