Triggering (SI/Abuse) - Rock bottom, and then lower still.

[xyon]

(Carried over from "I... I think I'm depressed again")

I feel like ****. Really, really down at the moment. I'm going home in about an hour and I've no internet there... I don't think I can make it through tonight cut-free without RYL.

I hate myself a lot right now.

[hammy]

sending super strong strength hugs to get you through.

but seriously, I hope that you manange to keep yourself safe tonight, i know how hard it can be when you're internet(less). I'm sorry that you're feeling so low, not a nice feeling.

Update us with how you are when you get a chance.
much love
xxx

[xyon]

Thank you. I will be able to post tomorrow and I will make sure to do so.

I just wish everyone I know IRL wasn't so judgemental, I might actually be able to talk to someone tonight...

[rose07]

you are in my thoughts, and im hoping you get through tonight, and we will be here when you come back in the morning

take care xx

[bleedingdragon]

This has taken me ages i would love to write a short one




Xyon ,
My friend im sorry your having such a hard time right now, im sorry i havent been around alot myself.

Please forgive me to all those people here in vets that care about me, as im
scared of talking and opening up to others because ive been lied to by someone i trusted on ryl , they have hurt me so much and messed my head up, i know others care about me and support me here at ryl , if it wasnt for you i wouldnt be here.

And you Xyon have been there for me mate when i needed someone you kept me alive gave me hope, thank you for that mate. I will never forget that, I hope to be there for all of you when i can.

Xyon mate, thank you for talking with me on msn its good to hear how you are, I hear you about feeling like **** and feeling down, and especially that you dont have internet access so easily.

i hope you can remind yourself that if you cut again that its not a failure mate its just a period where you have had to cut to help you through a difficult time. Im still battling with my cutting i get to about 1 week cut free, then i end up cutting again. It takes time to change our cutting and on that journey there will be days where we might cut,as long as you can stay as safe as you can mate.

But you have managed to go a whole year without cutting mate and i know that with patience and time and finding other coping skills you can and will do it again.

when you can please keep posting here, just know that i will do what i can to be there for you mate.

I hear you to about everyone around you being so judgemental i understand how painfull that is for you to have people judging you.

Please stay strong my friend and try and stop listening to them, people will allways judge us. Its about being stronger inside ourselves and being confident with ourselves, and believing in ourselves above other people.
Im still on that journey myself.

I realise i have these things to work on myself , but i wanted to say that with time and patience you will find yourself again and be that strong confident person, and then others wont hurt you in the future.I know what its like to be judged all the time, my ex wife judged me and lied to me and hurt me in so many ways , and controlled me constantly, i was scared of her and what she would do to me.

And when we have been lied to, and controlled and have had our trust broken , and been hurt by those who were supposed to love us, it takes a long time for us to build ourselves back up.

Just know mate that its allways your choice on what you decide to do ,
its very hard to take back the control we deserve and have the freedom to choose what we want. Especially when those close have hurt us and controlled us so much.no one should force you to do something you dont want to do or are not ready to do yet.

ryl is a place where you can be accepted for who you are

be safe my Ryl Brother and know that i care and im here as much as i can be for you.

[xyon]

Thank you for that, no, don't write short ones I love to read the long ones. Reminds me of seven hour phone calls where we both waffle about nothing... now THEY make me feel alive.

Thanks for all your kind words bro, you've kept me sane and alive over this past week, really. I know cutting isn't a failure but it damn well feels like one my friend and I just wish I could be rid of it again.

Obviously I just need it right now. Meh.

[blondiebear]

Hi
I don't know you very well. I just want to offer some hugs and support.

Cutting again isn't a failure. It is good that you can tell us about it and ask for help.

Offering you a bear hug,
blondiebear

[Seraphsigh]

Have you thought of the specific things that would have to happen in order for you to regain your trust of us?
Maybe we can work on helping you with this...I think it would be wonderful if you hung out around here more! Plus, there's far too much estrogen here as it is :).
I hope that you begin to feel better soon...I know how those things feel and it is not a fun time.
Look forward to seeing you in vets in the future, and do try to come up with ways we can help you get your trust back.

love and *huge hugs*

D'Arcy

[Lora]

hey, i know i dont know you, but i want you to know youre in my thoughts and i really hope you get through tonight, i really do
you can do this, i know you can
keep fighting hun, youre stronger than this
love lora xxxx
im here to chat anytime, my pm box is always open

[xyon]

Well, I was supposed to be able to post yesterday. Instead, I fell asleep at about 4AM and woke up at 11:30 pm. So I missed going to college where i can actually get online. Hope I didn't worry anyone it was a bit crazy.

Doing that, I've managed to miss signing on as well, so i'm gonna have to go sort that out in a few minutes.

I managed to make it a few days without SI'ng but I've gone and done it again, *bleh*. Haven't got a lot of time now but I may have more later.

[Lora]

I hope you get things sorted hun
You should be proud of making it a few days without SI, I know how hard going a few days can be, don't let a slip up get you down hun, it happens. Be proud of the days you went without. And you can do it again.
Take care,
Im here anytime
Love Lora xxxx

[xyon]

Thank you. That is how I try to look at things. It just doesn't always work like that.

Once more into the breech...

[xyon]

This isn't going very well at all.

Everything gets on top of me about once every two days. when that happens all hell breaks loose and I lose the battle for not SI'ing.

My arms look like a war zone

And to cap it off, further ****. Parents are assholes, well, mine are anyway. They just don't ****in UNDERSTAND!

Except I'm meant to cope. And without internet I'm sat in an internet cafe with the horrible feeling someone can see what I'm typing and has already judged me.

5 minutes left. Connected to the world. Then back into cybernetic oblivion.

God my life is dismal at the moment. Or at least I make it sound that way. Even my son is ill. Every God in Asgard seems to hate me.

Maybe they have good reason to. I know I do.

I should have put this at the top - this is really depressing. Maybe warn people. I haven't got the energy to move it. Naff it all, it can stay where it is.

Off we go again... New Year next. I just can't take another party. I NEED TIME ALONE! Away from her, away from parents - but nobody listens, because I'm "supposed to spend time with people"

**** that. I'm hiding. Spent too much time with those ****ers already.

[bleedingdragon]

My Brother,
Its understandable that things are getting on top of you,
just continue to do your best ok. Right now you are doing so well, try not to be so hard with yourself if you cut, it takes time to overcome,and on the journey there will be days we still cut.

Staying safe my bro is really important i am here for you as much as i can, call on me and i will be there for you.

I m sorry mate your parents are giving you such a hard time, i know the feeling my parents are the same, hold on friend and do what you need to do,i know you want your parents support, you have my support my friend.


No one here judges you mate i certainly dont,

IM glad you can still access the internet for now and stay in touch, you know where i am and please stay in touch ,text me or i can phone you, i will do all i can for you my brother.

Youve got to hold on mate i dont want to lose you my friend and brother life is hard for you and me, but i know we can both ride the storm until it disappears. Your friendship and support mean so much to me and i will allways do what i can for you in this life.

Please dont worry if this post is to depressing, remember its your space to express yourself if you depressed or happy , we care about you and understand that you need to talk freely.

My friend you hide away and look after yourself, i know how hard it is around new year i feel the same as you , we can get through this your not alone.

Stay strong my brother

[xyon]

Thanks bro. I mean it. Still not feeling great but reading that helped me.

[xyon]

Ugh... so tired...

I blame my new vampire friend. She's good at helping me stay up all night. It's in no way her fault, but saying that it is makes it not mine and I can deal with that better :P

I am so far behind in everything I'm supposed to be doing. And I can't be arsed doing any of it.

Bye.

[bleedingdragon]

My Brother,
Hugs mate i understand you being so tired, i hope you manage to fall asleep and get some rest.

I hear you mate about your vampire friend helping you stay up, if it helps you bro thats what counts, i hope your ok mate please get hold of me to let me know your safe bro.

Hey hugs i hear you about being behind with everything right now

remember bro just handle what you can , your doing your best,
i know you are take care mate please and stay strong.

i know your trying to stay busy, just let me know your safe and ok bro as soon as you can ok.

Im here for you bro ok.

[xyon]

I'm here, still. Just. Lurking around.

*lurk lurk*

3 months safe. w00t.

[pea soup]

yay for 3 months safe!!!
glad youre still around if only lurking.
much love.
xxxxxxxxx

[xyon]

It's gone wrong again...