Triggering (SI/Abuse) - 2 years next thursday.

[Soph.]

first of all, hello
ive officially joined this site today.
i used to come on here a few years ago, but now i've come back for help.
if thats ok?

i'm 17 years old.
I started self harming when i was 10/11.
i have tried stopping for the past 3 years of this, and at the moment i've managed 231 days without harming myself. which is my best yet .

but i still have a big problem with my scars.
i do have absolutely loads... Everywhere.

i went to the doctors today, which was a huge step for me, to ask about some scar removal stuff i heard about, dematix, to see if i could get it on presciption. as i cannot afford to buy it.
also about camouflage make up,
as my mum is getting married at the end of this month and as i have to wear a strapless dress, some bad scars are obvious at the top of my arms.

basically it was a waste of time going today. it only upset me.
she said she won't give me anything on prescription as nothing will get rid of them, my scars are permanent.
also, she cant give me make up stuff as it has to go through the red cross and will take longer than a month.

i dont know why i'm writing this really,
just ive had alot of urges over the past week.
and this month is really hard for me.

next thursday will be two years since he raped me.

there we go, ive said it.

but i don't know how to tell anyone this. only one person in the whole world knows.

i don't know how i'm better off not s/hing really.
i seemed to cope with things better back then.


i just don't know.
i really don't know.

[Tregi]

I know how you feel. I understand about the coping better with than without S/hing, I am also a bridesmaid end of the month with strapless dress and have scars.
You arn't alone. We are here, and it does get to the stage where you want to give up giving up, but im nearly on a year now without it. It gets easier when you are settled, with support etc.

Can your doctor not arrange for some counselling about the rape, trust me, it helps.

Try fake tan on the scars, its worked on some of mine, just to blend all your skin together, or pursuade you mum to get a wrap for you, for when your stood near people etc.
Could speak to red cross direct about it, or even theatrical make up stuff might work, stays on better and blends well.

Hugs for as long as you need them, and PM if you want.

Tregi

hi well done for 231 days. i feel the same about my scars. the only thing i could suggest is still go ahead with the red cross i have got derma colour(camoflague cream) and it does work also if you get on the list you could ring up and see if theres any cancellations they might fit u in. with the rape was it someone you knew sorry if you feel like im being nosey its just that i was raped and it was somene i didnt know guess what i am trying to say yes it is taking me along to get ova it but there is a light at the end of the road. you can get through it and the longer you keep out of the cycle of self harm/destruction. think you need to get some help to get ova it might be easier.
if you wanna chat just pm me ok
hope your feeling better
love cherylxx

your not alone

[Soph.]

hey, thanks for the replys.

my mum doesnt seem to realise how worried i am about showing my scars at the wedding,
she says its only really family there so i shouldn't be worried.

not sure about the counselling idea, ive had it in the past just for my self harming but didn't find it helped me.
yes it was someone that i knew,
honestly,
he was actually my boyfriend at one point.
he was always pushing me to do stuff etc..
and then took it too far.

yeh, i think ill give fake tan a go and get in touch with the red cross,
but i have tried tanning stuff before but i'm so pale that sometimes it looked SO fake!

thanks again, does help to know people are in the same kinda situation. x.

[secrets & lies]

Hey, well done for going 231 days, that is fantastic! Could you maybe try and talk to your mum again about how worried you are about your scars? Maybe you could suggest having a shawl type thing (don't know what they're called!) to put around your shoulders after the service when you will be closer to people? If not you could try and experiment with different make up on your shoulders to try and find a way to make them less obvious. Someone told me that Dermablend was good but I haven't tried it myself.

If you want someone to talk to about the rape maybe you could talk about it on here, I know it's not the same as talking to someone in real life but it can help to let things out, or could you talk to the person who does know about it?

Getting in touch with the red cross is a good idea, even if they can't help you for the wedding they might be able to help reduce the appearance of your scars for the future.

PM me if you ever want to talk, take care xxx

[Soph.]

i don't know if i really do want to talk about it.
i don't really think theres much to say,
i didnt tell anyone to start off with, just carried on as normal.
ive only now told my recent boyfriend last month.
id love to be able to talk to him about it,
but im still trying to make myself tell him i love him.

ive never really been all that great with talking.

i suggested to my mum at the start about a cardigan thing,
but she's all concious about money and stuff and doesnt think its worth it.
she wont understand anyway,
its not like we have a great relationship.

does anyone know more about the red cross idea,
is there like a uk number to call or do i get in touch another way?

[Soph.]

its just getting so hard to keep to the 231 days.

but ive always been quite a bad s/her and it got alot worse over the years.

i fear ill slip up and either do it too badly, or not be able to stop again.

or both.

[secrets & lies]

Here's a link to info about the red cross skin camofkage on the old ryl - http://v2.recoveryourlife.com/Self_H...ring/9664.aspx don't know if that's still the right number though.

If you don't think you could talk about it, if you wanted to you might find it easier to write it down instead?

If your mum is worried about the cost could you maybe offer to pay for it yourself, or if you don't have the money does a friend have one that you could borrow?

You're doing really well to have made it to 231 days, if you're getting urges to cut can you try and keep yourself distracted, the fun and distraction board on here is good and maybe take a look at this link for ideas - distractions.

Please take care, PM me anytime xxx

[Soph.]

thankyou for your help =)

will try out getting in touch with red cross.
also, i think i will write it all down. might take me a while to actually give it to him though! x