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Contains sexual abuse - My case is over
Before I begin, I do not want to discourage anyone from reporting. It is incredible important so please do not read any further if a bad outcome would discourage you from reporting. Please, please. Please report.
I’m not going to go into any detail aside from the fact that this happened 13 years ago, when I was 16. After following a case for a number of months last year, I finally decided to report the assault to the police last November. Between then and January of this year, I had multiple phone calls with the DC in charge of the case who said each time that there was a lack of evidence, doesn’t expect it to go any further etc.
In January, I had a video interview as evidence and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I had to go over every detail, including the layout of the house, rooms etc. In February, I found out the perpetrator was arrested. This made me feel some sort of mania, I initially had a panic attack and was in shock and then felt like.. I could fly. Honestly, I just felt high from it. This was never something I believed, or was led to believe, would happen. I was told he would be invited for a voluntary interview.
A different officer called to go over the perpetrator’s interview (he denied everything, of course) and he had said that if this were to go to court, would I go? This obviously got my hopes up (no matter how much I tried not to).
Last week then, it felt like my entire world fell apart in an instant. Wednesday 13th April marked 13 years since the assault. I had booked a few days off as I knew it would be difficult. I was doing relatively okay, all things considered. I remember being on the couch scrolling through Twitter and thought I should check my emails. That’s when I found out the case wouldn’t be going any further, there would be no further action taken against him.
I felt sick. I cried for hours. I felt suicidal. I felt I couldn’t keep myself safe if I went to my bedroom so I stayed on the couch. A friend stayed up with me and talked for several hours, she was concerned and I’m grateful for that time with her. I was considering contacting emergency services but didn’t want to go to hospital. I just wanted everything to stop. I knew the chance of it going to court was slim but how can you not get your hopes up? That you’ll get some justice? I suppose the only thing I can take away from this is that he wasn’t found innocent, there simply wasn’t enough evidence.
I’m sorry this is so long. I need to get it out. “Lack of evidence” - yeah, that’s my fault! I didn’t go to the police, hospital, anything afterwards. I didn’t tell anyone what happened for years. I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t know what had happened was serious enough, I thought it was my fault. I wanted to forget about it. Here’s the thing though, trying to forget about it hasn’t worked out too well. I can’t help but feel if I had just gone to the police at the time, if I had just told someone, if I had just done ANYTHING, this would be different. Yes, I know that he shouldn’t have done what he did. But I feel responsible for anything that happened after the assault. You can tell me differently and I won’t believe you. If he assaulted someone else after me, how could I live with that? *Knowing* I could have stopped it had I just said something?
The two biggest things I hate about this is that I won’t get any justice for this, and that he could do it again. He got away with it. It’ll at least stay on his record if someone else were to come forward. But so few survivors come forward, how will they have the courage to do so, if they don’t know someone else has? His name has not been released. I want to tell the entire world that yes, this person assaulted me. I want to make his life hell. I want to make sure that he never has the opportunity to hurt anyone ever again. How can I do that? The case was my one way of doing that and that’s been taken away from me.
I haven’t responded to the email. What is there to say? Thanks for letting me know? I’m not thankful. Also, this is not a “huge disappointment” (as the DC said in the email). There are no words to describe what this is, but “huge disappointment” feels like a huge understatement.
I just want some peace from all of this. I don’t know how to get that and I don’t know how to move forward. There doesn’t seem to be any “getting through this”. I need an off switch. I have disassociated before and I want that again. I want to feel nothing.
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