Growing pains, new coping

[butterfly hearts]

I’ve had a terribly hard day. I went back to bed in the morning to sleep because my anxiety was so bad. This is how I escape it. I was woken by my housemate in need of a lift so I got up. Once I was up…I did all the things I could think of. I took myself out to my favourite cafe, I had a massage, I cooked healthy dinner to share. Then tonight I was restless so I made some pottery. The whole time this evening there’s been a silent scream in me. I’ve been exercising new muscles of coping that I’m not used to - and it hurts. Tonight I wanted to SH so badly, but due to lack of access and sheer determination I didn’t. Mind you the determination feels more like a giving up. Giving up on the drama, giving up on the secrets, giving up on being strange and different, giving up on being self destructive. And just sitting with being uncomfortable. I know this is how progress is made. Well I hope so. So I am just giving up in each and every moment even though it hurts and I’m not use to it. I can feel my brain stretching and going “what are you doing!?” And I just stay still and feel it.
I just wanted to tell someone tonight how well I’m doing at not being self destructive. Because I get the care when I am. But I still need care.

[one_step_closer]

Sounds like you're really fighting the urges and doing so well with it. You should be proud of yourself. I hope you have less to fight soon. Do you have anyone to reach out to when you need to? You're doing great with everything you're doing but we all need help sometimes. Keep posting here if it helps.

[Auror.]

It's definitely going to feel weird and wrong to not do something that you're used to doing! And it's also okay to grieve for giving up a coping skill that has worked for you. It sounds like you're working incredibly hard to try to put new things into place, despite struggling. Really well done.

[not_so_insig]

I have nothing more to add other than well done. I think that you should think of planning a reward for fighting the urges.

[Elmer]

I think this is beautiful. I know it hurts, but you're doing an amazing thing, I hope you've had some respite from the discomfort. Yes, you deserve and need and can access care when you're not in self destruct mode. That's a hard lesson to learn.

I think growing pains is a perfect way to put it!

[butterfly hearts]

Thanks everyone. I was and I still am proud of myself. I had a slip up, and then I got very drunk last night. I think I was just exhausted from fighting. But in saying this these slip ups are quite minor compared to in the past. And the next day I didn’t continue, or escalate. It was hard today to make the choice to come to my family’s home because here I cant be self destructive. But I did it. And again I felt those growing pains.
It is so hard for me to try and get my needs met. To not feel alone. When everyone cares but is busy with their own lives and families and jobs. It can be exhausting supporting someone with a mental illness so I’m careful how much I unload. I suppose that’s why this place is good. Sometimes I just need to say the truth which is this is REALLY hard. On top of it, I’m working hard, but honestly I’m having trouble imagining a better life, liking myself more, recovering again. I say again because I’ve done it before. I hope the hard work pays off and things just fall into place.

[not_so_insig]

Don't beat yourself up too much for slipping up. It's part of the journey which is incredibly hard. Well done for not continuing and also your positive attitude. I wish you all the best.

[butterfly hearts]

Thank you. It’s true the slip ups are not the be all and end all.