Sick and tired

butterfly hearts · 24-11-2021, 02:14 PM

TW: suicide

This should probably go in the rants section because it feels like one big rant. I feel sorry for myself at the moment, I feel angry and fed up and like I’m sick of trying. I just spent three nights in the hospital for my own safety, voluntarily, and now that I’m out I just have the intrusive thought of “I don’t want to be alive” in my head almost constantly. I don’t think I’m at any great risk because I am too scared to do anything and I’m afraid of hurting those around me, but it’s just endless. I need to make a choice to work on myself, to continue fighting but I am sick and tired of it. SO sick and tired of it I feel like I have almost nothing left and I have a really negative attitude. I wish I was different but this is where I’m at. And I thought how did I get through this much pain in the past. I used to post on here and it would really help me. I’m sad there’s no chat anymore and things are dwindling. There’s no replacement. There’s nowhere else to go except help lines and after calling one the other night in a real crisis And having to wait a long time I’m careful about not clogging up the line when it’s not that serious and I just want to complain to someone.
Anyway, that’s my cranky rant, thanks for reading if you got through it.

Elmer · 24-11-2021, 03:43 PM

Hey.

I’m sorry you’re suffering. The site is quiet and old and slow, but it’s still here and there are still people on the other side of the screen who read and care. Your pain is valid, you deserve to heal. Keep talking if you need to.

Auror. · 24-11-2021, 06:56 PM

I can really relate to what you said. I know it's quieter here these days, but like Elmer said, we can still read and care. Did you find hospital helpful at all? Are you getting any other type of support?

butterfly hearts · 25-11-2021, 02:06 PM

Thanks for reminding me there are still people here. 15 years ago RYL was such a lifeline to me and really helped me deescalate and get support when I couldn’t talk to any friends. These days I tend to use help lines but it’s not the same as the support here. I suppose by being active also I’m keeping it alive.
I was kept safe in the hospital which is good. I had a session with my psych today and I feel a bit better since that. My head my health my illness is just giving me strife but today i can see some positives and some hope. It’s a miracle almost, after being in a hopeless state just to feel any little bit of hope.
Thanks again it means a real lot to me.