Triggering (SI/OD) - I'm stuck. No hope. (very graphic). I posted it :O
I posted this following bit in Serious Discussion, but I figure maybe people here might have different ideas, even though I know the question is unanswerable.
'What do you do when you are desperate for help but no professional will help you?
I've really tried to fight, but my time is running out very fast. I am on the verge of carrying out the act of cutting off my arm, I am on the verge of taking that last OD, I am desperate for help because I don't want this to beat me, I don't want to end up dead, but it's going to beat me regardless because no one professional is willing to help and I'm not in control of what I'm doing anymore.
I'm stuck.'
In addition to that, I am losing control, and the other part of me is taking over. I nearly took all my prescrobed sleeping pills earlier, and the only reason I stopped myself was now I can go to the docs and lie to get some more so that I can do it properly. I also nearly phoned the crisis team, but if the CMHT won't help, how will the crisis team be any different. I'm so absolutely scared right now.
I know I'm wasting space, I know no one can actually answer the question, I also know that no one cares (and please don't say you care when you clearly don't. Someone who cares is someone who is there through the good and bad and I don't have that).
I'm also getting very angry and pissed off at those people who get help but moan it;s not enough, or who have help but don't want it. I am really starting to hate this place, but that's why I keep coming back. I know I'm worthless, and RYL just reminds me of that.
Last edited by Nonny : 06-12-2007 at 05:48 PM.
Reason: Title
Sorry this post is of no help but when i wanted help they didn't offer me help as the cuts were too superficial and i wasent a real danger to myself then when things got worst all of a sudden they wanted to help me by which time i didn't want their help.
anyway go to a doctors go to a & e while threatening to take your own life they will have to take you seriously
Thanks for the reply, any reply that is constructive or genuine is appreciated. I know you are pretty to the point with what you say, so it is appreciated :) Thanks.
I totally get what you are saying, my cuts are not superficial though. I currently have one on my arm that I have been working on for three months now (eek, I didn't realise it was that long). I'm about 2 and a half cm into my arm and have lost the use of three of my fingers. They are fully aware of that, and said it was fine. They also said it was ok that my final intention is to cut off my arm. They are just not bothered at all.
If I go to hospital and do that, then they still won't do anything, they will only do something if you try to take your life and fail. And then all they do is put you in a hospital that offers no therapy (seriously), and then release you. I was there for 5 days when I was put on a six month section, a year and a bit ago. They released me because I smiled and didn't look depressed, and when they discharged me, they just caused chaos and made things worse by far. I want some constructive help, maybe DBT (which I can't get in this area), or OP or something (again, what I can't get in this area), not to pick me up, put me here, put me there, then discard me. That's not helpful at ALL.
The other side of this is that I think everyone wants me dead and wants to kill me, predominantly those professionals who have done everything to NOT help me. I need someone not to mock what I'm saying, but to try and help me work around those thoughts. I just want to feel better, that's all.
I was just wondering as if you are uk like me i will of course be more useful (and that general area is what i was after like north south etc sorry am not a stalker), however have you tried phoning nhs direct? and i know its wrong but as you really do want help is there not a mental health place near you where you could walk in *while threatening to take your life* (i know it sounds bad but may get you help)
Ahh, gotcha :) I'm scared of revealing too much incase people guess who I am, that's all, and that's why I asked.
In the nearest town we have A&E and the psych hospital which is somewhere different. Both of those are useless.
The town a bit further away is a different county and will have different NHS facilities, etc. I have never been to that hospital, but I believe it has an A&E. I'd be absolutely terrified of being sectioned or readmitted though. I get scared away from my house (ha ha, that sounds VERY pathetic). I need to know that there is something about that can help me, that would help with this wretchedness. I tried contacting the local MIND but they don't offer much at all which is gutting, and I am signed off sick and on benefits and can't afford those prices that private therapists charge, otherwise I would have found some sort of private psychologist (which is what I've been told I need).
Ummm i would have thought that you would have been put on a nhs waiting list (yus i know that they can take like 2 years to see you). as im not from the south i dont know that much about the mental health issues down there - seems like up north it is a little better
You have been really helpful :) Just because you made an effort, so thank you.
I used to live more upnorth and they were FAR better. I should have been put on a waiting list (and this was nearly two years ago, so by now I woulsd have been near the top of the list at the very least), but the GPs words were 'You need to see a psychologist and have intensive therapy, but I'm going to refer you to a counsellor for 6 sessions'.
Good lord, sounds like you've really had a time of it :s. I've got nothing for you...no advice anyway, sorry. Wrong country so I don't know anything about what's offered where you are. Just wanted to say it sounds like a load of crap what they've put you through and I'm sorry to hear it.
Good luck, really.
Alyssa
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
If the CMHT won't help you, would it be possible to ask for the formal complaints procedure and make a complaint? Or contact the local Patient Advice and Liason service? You could make a complain about your GP at the surgery. NHS Direct should be able to advise on how to complain. I don't know if it'd work, but it might be worth a try.
Its all or nothing
And nothings all I ever get
Every time I turn it on
I burn it up and burn it out
I am awful at geography, and have no idea where East Anglia is, but I'm in the South in Surrey and the treatment you have received sounds awful. I think you need to either go to a different GP or go back to your one and literally refuse to leave until you get the help you need.
The thing you must remember although it might not seem this way with the way you're being treated is you don't have to do something drastic to get the help you need. Its important you remember that, there are other ways and we can help you.
If you're signed off and on benefits who does that for you? Which doctor signs that? They must know how much you struggle to have signed you off?
What about showing them what you have written on here? That way you can make sure you only say what you're comfortable saying. Don't be ashamed of not going out house, I'm only safe in mine as well, I get dragged out a couple of times a week.
Do you have a diagnosis for your problems? Have you ever seen anyone? Are you on any medication? Please try the crisis team, I don't think very much of them, the teams around here are useless, but just try them, some of them really are good.
Also, if you're feeling desperate, The Samaritans are really wonderful, they are so amazing, its totally confidential and they can be totally lifesaving. Trust me :)
How far away is this other town from you? The one in the other county, you could switch doctors surgeries but I'm not sure if that would effect your benefits briefly.
Ally83, it doesn't matter that you couldn't offer any advice, I just really appreciate the fact that you replied.
quautia, thank you for the suggestion, however the only thing I could probably legitamately complain about is the fact that they put me on a six month section with no next of kin consent and no court order. You have to have either of those to go ahead with the section legally. the rest ciuld easily be down to me, in that I have a happy, smiley front that people fail to see through and I don't know how to consciously let that defence down.
craola, East Anglia is the sticky outty bit in England, or alternatively, above London and to the right.
This is all going to get very complicated now (and also anyone who really knows me will know exactly who this is, but never mind).
At my GP surgery there are lots of GPs. I have seen most of them, but I have it in my head that they want to hurt and kill me. If I go and see them I have to take a 'tool' with me so that if they try to hurt me, I can kill myself first. the last tiem I got in contact with a GP I wrote a letter and explained it all. I am very much more able to communicate via letter because the happy, smiley front goes and I can be totally honest. I've never been more honest, and he did refer me to the CMHT, and off the back of that letter, they saw me, and then referred me back to my GP, who I can't even go and see anyway. They told me they didn't know what to do with me, or how to help me, and I had to tell them what to do (which is great given that THEy are the professionals), so I explained that I couldn't suggest anything because how can I suggest things to people who I think want to kill me, and make myself vulnerable to them. They didn't try to explore that, nor help me through it (I even explained that I didn't want to think those things, but I couldn't override the thoughts), they just said we don't want to kill you, and that was that.
Unfortunately, doing something drastic will be the only way to get help. I've been fighting for over 3 years to get some sort of help and support. I ended up getting myself a private therapist temporarily, but that went arse over tit. I used to go to hospital a couple of times a week for stitches or ODs, and each time saw the crisis team, but because I smiled, they said I was ok to go home (I'm like hello, it's a defense, can you not hear the words I'm saying and see what I have just done to myself?). If I do do something drastic it won't be a deliberate act of doing something to get help, it will be the fact that the self destructive part of me has just blown up because no one has been able to help me to get control of that part, and it has got control of me.
I was first signed off by occupational health, not my GP, I fought to be able to work,and they decided I wasn't fit to (I lost my job because of that), after that my Gp signed me off for three sets of 3 months, and then something benefitty happened so I don't need to be signed off anymore, I automatically get the benefits until I feel fit to work).
I don't think I could show my GP what's on here. They already know about my hand/arm and my thoughts and stuff, it's just going to be another attempt where I have made an effort only to be let down. I can't handle that right now, I'm on the egde as it is.
I originally had a diagnosis of depression, which then morphed to BPD. When I was in hospital they decided that there was absolutely nothing at all wrong with me, and all this was normal, the images, the commands, the psychosis, the whole lot. My GP reckons I need anti-psychotics and/or lithium, but the CMHT didn't mention anything about them and afre still sticking to the guns that I am fine. Also, because I went nearly five months cut free they think it's a choice that I cut, but I just have to follow the commands in my head. When I was going cut free I was restricting and also not taking medication for a physical condition which means that I was ill and on the verge off death, so when I started taking them again, I then carried out the images in my head to cut. But apparently this is all normal and happens to everyone :(
I agree about the crisis team, lol. They are useless. The last time I called them I washighly suicidal and their solution to that was to refer me to someone in eight weeks (which never came through because I had to move house out of the area). That was the first time I wrecked my arm, and ever since then I;ve carried on like that. That's why I am warey of phoning again, incase they make me worse again.
I have tried the samaritans before, and have come across some terrific people. Thanks for reminding me of that. It would take a lot of guts to call, but desperate times call for some desperate measures.
The other town is about 20 miles away, the nearest is about 10. I couldn't change surgeries though, all the surgeries that cover my area are run from the same base with the same doctors who rotate around, so there is no where else to register.
Thank you so much for all your replies :hug: all round
Last edited by Nonny : 03-12-2007 at 06:19 PM.
Reason: Clarity
Ok, that was amazing, thank you so much for writing so much, it really shows that you want to do something about this which is definitely a good thing and it makes me want to write a huge reply back so sorry about that :P
Ok, crisis team I can sympathise with (I was highly suicidal and they told me to listen to music, thumbs up there!) CMHT though, that is where is where you should be getting the help. I can understand if you don't want to go through it again, but CMHT are my lifeline, some of the nicest people are there, they really are wonderful.
I know its scary, but could you try and write another letter to your GP, tell him how desperate you are feeling and how everyone's let you down, you need help because you are losing control. If you were feeling brave you could even ask about a psychiatric assessment. I wrote a letter when I went to see my GP, words are not my strong point and thats how I got referred.
Stamp your foot, scream and refuse to leave until they give you the treatment you deserve.
If they still dont help you give me a call and I'll come (up?) and kick and scream for you. Take care hun xx
Any reply is great, so thanks, and yes, I'm desperate to stop feeling so wretched and being at the mercy of my brain and its instructions. I'd love to function, have a job, have my own house, not always be alert for people trying to kill me. Molre than anything, I want to be free (which I guess is where the suicidalness comes in).
I'm sorry the crisis team were sucky for you, they seem to be sucky for most people. I guess the point of a crisis team is to keep someone in crisis :/
I'm glad you have a good CMHT, that's great. What I'm probably going to say now will make people bash me, but hey. When I last saw them, and they mocked me and laughed at what I said and I kept telling them I knew they wanted me dead, they told me that if I ever knew what help I wanted, to let them know. The deal with that is firstly, I don't know what help I want because the help I want is not available here, and secondly, how can I go to people who want me dead? I needed someone to help me through those thoughts, or around them. I'm not able to plough through them alone.
My GP wanted me to be in hospital, but seriosuly, what's the point in putting me in a scary place with no therapy and no help? Pointless, it will just make me worse. I'm scared if I go back to him, they force me to be admitted. I'm sorry, I'm being SO awkward.
Can I please just thank each and everyone of you who replied to this. I know for certain I would have overdosed today, but because each of you replied and actually paid attention to what I said and 'listened' to me, it has eased the feeling of having ants all running inside me, and I know I won't OD tonight. I'm back to taking minutes at a time where I haven't been for a long time, but I won't OD tonight, so thank you all so much.
I'm very scared about tomorrow, but right now, I'll just focus on tonight, so thank you all so much.
Well, it's now tomorrow and I'm a mess, so I thought I would use my messyhead to try and write a letter to the CMHT.
Can people give their honest opinions please. I'm sorry, if HUGE!
Dear X,
In mid November I had an assessment with a psychiatrist and a CPN. They told me that if I wanted to contact them, then I could. It is fair to say that that assessment went very badly. This is for many reasons, these are the main three.
Like I mentioned in my previous letter to Dr. C, I think that the members of the CMHT want to hurt and kill me, and while they were in my house, I was on high alert for any signs of them wanting to hurt me. I even had a Z within hands reach so that if they did try to kill me, I would beat them to it and be able to kill myself first.
When I mentioned some things that were important to me the psychiatrist smirked or laughed as if what I was saying was irrelevant. This meant my defenses were very high, which caused my happy, smiley, laughing front to kick in.
I had previously been told that they would be coming the week before by the lady from the triage team (J?). I stayed in and waited all day that day, however they never came. The CPN at the assessment said that that was not how they work, but that they knew I had been told that, so in my eyes, if they knew I had been told that but knew they were not coming, why did someone not tell me that they were not coming. I had also been promised an appointment within a week of speaking to J, however, I had to wait for two weeks, by which time, again, my defenses were right up because people had not stuck to their promises.
When I see people face to face, unless I am fighting my brain, I am able to put on a happy, smiley front. This is called a defense mechanism because it protects me. Unfortunately, despite being apparently skilled, most professionals think that that is how I really feel and don’t see what is underneath. Underneath I feel wretched, scared, I want to cry all the time, everything is a battle, desperate, confused and many more things too.
During the assessment the psychiatrist implied that because I had gone nearly five months cut free, that cutting was a choice to me, but because I was very defensive, I was not able to explain fully that it is not a choice per se. When I was not cutting, I made the choice not to cut because I was doing something else that could harm me. I had just come out of a medical hospital because I had needed blood transfusions. They told me that they had never seen anyone with such a low level (3.4) still walking, I should have been unconscious or dead. I knew it was not down to my self harm so I wanted to test that theory. My bowels bleed excessively and I knew it was down to that, so, because after the transfusions my levels were still low (6.4), I decided not to take any iron tablets. I knew it would harm me and lower my blood levels again and I wanted to prove that it was not my self harm that had done this. My levels did get very low, once again I was not able to walk up the stairs without resting, once again I was breathless no matter what I did. I was walking a close path to death again, but I had to fight, and as soon as I started to fight and take the iron tablets, my head started to give me other commands. For some reason, my brain seems to need to know that it can die at any time, if it doesn’t know this, it goes into overdrive.
You are probably wondering why I have described that as my brain, as opposed to me. That is the only way I can separate it. There is something inside me (that I call my brain) that gives me commands that I have to follow. An example of this is what I am currently trying to do, which is cutting off my arm by following a certain set of instructions (which I mentioned in the letter to Dr C). I am very scared about this. In addition to losing the use of the two fingers I previously mentioned, I have now lost the use of another, and have also hit some sort of blood vessel which gushed blood. I have to follow these instructions willingly because otherwise my brain takes over and I lose control and it completes the acts regardless of what I want.
When I follow the instructions its like its not me doing it. It feels like I am watching it on a tv and there are lots of conflicting things in my head. If you watch a horror film the people on the screen carry on doing whatever they are doing despite what you, the viewer, thinks or sees. You can will the character in the film not to do something, or to go somewhere else, or stop what she is doing, but she doesn’t pay any attention (obviously, because it’s a film). That’s how it feels for me, I see myself doing these things and often think what the hell am I doing, why am I doing this, but am powerless to stop it. I have found though, if I give into it voluntarily, then I end up safer than if I totally try to fight it and my brain takes over. In those cases I have no memory of what I have done, I just ‘come round’ and see what I have done to myself, or see the vast number of tablets missing. I can liken it to being in a psych ward, if you are sectioned you have no choice and no control and are at the mercy of someone else, whereas if you admit yourself voluntarily you have to stick it out for a bit but can leave when you want.
I also get images projected to me of different things that distress me. They are not related to what I am doing at the time and come into my head totally randomly. One day I was talking about my rabbits to someone, and suddenly I had an image of holding my ear in my hand and cutting the lobe and around the outside, where people get piercings, into shreds. It is very scary when you see things like that because I get scared that that is what my brain will want me to do, however, so far it was just an image, I have no instructions to do that.
It is my brain that tells me that my family are trying to poison me, that all the professionals are out to kill me and make me worse, that in public someone might see me and decide to kill me, that people are going to turn up at the door to take me away (this is actually a realistic terror given that this has actually happened, and is probably the reason why I am so hyper vigilant all the time), that any helicopter, or car outside, or person at the door has come to get me to torture me. There is a little voice inside me that tells me how ridiculous most of those things are, but I can’t over ride my brain. The only part that I have no little voice for is the anxiety based parts, which is the fear of being taken away again, or someone turning up to get me and hold me captive like before (this is how I view being sectioned, I was taken someone, had poison forced in my veins-I don’t agree with blood transfusions- then held captive in a place that I didn’t want to be).
I feel totally overwhelmed by what my head tells me to do. Someone recently asked me to draw how I visualised it. The circle on the left, with the large black area, is how I feel now. I am the white circle in the middle, and the black area is the brain that controls that part of me. The picture on the right is what I would like it to be, with me on the outside and the black bit is my brain that controls me.
(I haven't put the images in, but basically, the one on the left is a black circle with a tiny white circle in the middle, and the one on the right, is the opposite, a white circle with a tiny black circle in the middle).
I know that if I get to the point on the right, I will be free. I am currently imprisoned in my mind, and I want to be free. This is why sometimes I am suicidal, just to get away from it, but more than anything, I want to be in control of myself, I want to move forward, I want to have a life, not be scared to leave the house, not panic when I have any form of contact with someone, I want a house, I want a job, but none of this is ever going to happen unless I can break free from what controls me, and I can’t do that alone.
I am currently very hostile and aggressive and not easy to get on with. The other side of that is that I am very happy and smiley because it protects me.
It was decided when I was in hospital that I was not ill because I was able to smile, and because I could disguise my feelings, and out and out lie to people. If I am well, and all this is normal, can anyone tell me how they cope with these images and having other parts of them controlling them? If this is normal and healthy, why does it not distress anyone else but does distress me?
The people who assessed me told me that I had to tell them what I wanted, but how can I. I’m not the professional so I don’t know what will help a well person (if I need help that is), all I know is that being in a hospital will only make things worse, like it did last time. I am still suffering the effects of that section and will probably suffer them for the rest of my life.
I don’t know why I have written this letter, if you get it, it will be a miracle, and will have been sent in a more lucid moment. I won’t be able to see anyone because I have no trust for anyone there, but I just didn’t want anyone to think I am as stupid as the psychiatrist and the CPN clearly think I am. I acted the way I did because of the way they were and past circumstances. I hope this explains things and makes sense. Maybe from this it might give you more of a clue of what is going on.
