Adult - 10 years down the drain... *SH Triggering*

[Freak3142]

I am a professional, a teacher, i have a masters in special education, i work with kids with high needs and severe disabilities. I am a wife of a husband with severe mental health issues, i am the bread winner.
I manage to balance work, studying and having a small social life. I juggle the bills and the wants of my husband financially.

Yet I still revert back to my old ways when stressed. I managed 10 years, 10 good sh free years. I dealt with stress, financial, emotional and family stress. I dealt with another major depression, where medication barely scratched it.

My anxiety went through the roof when i started being investigated at work for code of conduct related issues (all BS and political) including that I would belittle students, lift them (they are physically disabled) and talk unprofessionally to some teachers and staff... I managed three weeks of being under investigation until i cracked, i took the blade and I cut, now i can’t stop. Even my doctor essentially told me to grow up. I feel like a teenager unable to process the stress.

[Zurg]

What is only just beginning to dawn on me is the fact that you can move on for a good while and be okay but if you never actually worked through the root of the problem, the same coping mechanisms Will eventually come into play again.

What i want to say is that you have done Well. First and foremost in getting to where you are now and second because you realise you need some help to stay on track. I also want to say your doctor is ****ing rude and he/she should be ashamed of themselves. If your gp refuses to listen, then try to demand (in a nice but still assertive Way) that you need him/her to refer you to someone who actually can and Will help. Someone who knows what they're doing.

What you are dealing with is A LOT!!!! It would be a lot to someone who had never struggled with their mental health. And it hits all the harder when you are in risk of reverting back into old habits. I hope you can recognise that. I also hope you can give yourself a pad on the back for actually trying to make it through this even if the method chosen is somewhat questionable. You are trying. And that is the most important thing.

Friends, family, whatever works for you, reach out to them. If your gp does not listen, bring a friend or family member with you to your appointment. I hate to say this but this can be neccessary in convincing your gp about the seriousness of the situation. And it puts additional pressure on him/her to actually sort out some sort of support. I had to do it myself once and it actually worked so much better than if i had been standing alone.

Please don't feel like you've failed. You may have been self harming but that is because you know it used to work for you. Of course we try the options that seemed helpful back in the days. It's not something to be ashamed of, it happens to a lot of us. What matters now is trying to handle it in a more sustainable way. And you are trying to do just that. So you're already Well on your way. And you should be proud of yourself for that. I am proud of you.
Xx

[Pi.R^2]

^I can't really add to the wise words above, but as a fellow teacher I wanted to reiterate that what you're going through sounds like utter hell. I went through something a bit similar on a much smaller scale and it was just horrible. You really don't need to beat yourself up about slipping up. And even though you aren't 'free' anymore, I don't think that takes away from the huge achievement of going ten years without hurting yourself. You did that and no one (even you!) can take that away from you. And you've also already proved that you can turn things around and build a life without cutting so there's your evidence that you can turn this around now.

Wow, I implied that I wouldn't say a lot yet here we are, paragraph 2.

One last thing:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zurg

What is only just beginning to dawn on me is the fact that you can move on for a good while and be okay but if you never actually worked through the root of the problem, the same coping mechanisms Will eventually come into play again.

I'm not sure I fully agree with this though? I think you can be 'properly recovered' and have really dealt with the original stressors and roots of self harm, but still have an almost 'automatic' draw to destructive behaviours in times of new crisis. I think I'm starting to go off on a tangent now so I will stop!

[Mandimoo]

Congratulations on 10yrs free. I agree with getting someone to advocate for you. Dr's quite often see people who are high functioning as coping, they don't see all the mess underneath due to the complex shields we build. Take someone with you for moral support.