Triggering (SI/Sexual Abuse) - Another update, ugly ugly

[blondiebear]

I had a disappointment today and those always make me feel lost, but I'm already feeling weird.

Last night I shared at an aa meeting and I didn't know I wanted to share it until a couple of minutes before I did:
I'm having tactile flashbacks of what happened when I was in my teens. I want to amputate those parts.

That's what I told the people at the meeting last night. Mostly men. That's why I wasn't any more specific. Now I'm wondering if I said too much. I said that I didn't have to drink over the feelings. I was able to pass by the alcohol section in my grocery store with a frown that said that was not where I wanted to go. I had a positive message. I opened up so much, I don't think I knew what I was feeling until I opened my mouth.
Daddy-friend gave me the lovliest hug and reassuring words.

I wish I had someone who would protect me. I wish my father would have protected me from my mother instead of enabling her to do her crap. Sometimes I wish my husband was tall and strong but he is smart and loving and I'm so blessed.

I want to amputate those body parts so I don't have to remember, so I don't feel so self conscious. I'm wearing no girly shirts, only mens' crew neck T-shirts opr souveneir t's which are the same shape, and slouching and pulling them away from my torso. I want it to go away so I don't have to worry about it, so that I don't feel so weird about being a girl because it leaves me feeling so vulnerable.

I know that it is time to feel those feelings so I can get through them. It wasn't safe to do it when I was in my teens. That's why I started injuring and then drinking. I can't believe it has taken me 13 years of sobriety to get strong enough to do this, so my higher power is giving me this to deal with. I feel emotionally retarded.

I feel so ugly inside. I wish I knew how to show on the outside how ugly and how much of a loser and weirdo I feel like. There is a particular pattern I'd like to put somewhere, breast or upper arm. On my own with methods that I'd get kicked off here for tip sharing. The thought won't go away. Sometimes the urgency eases but the thoughts are there.

I'm learning to cry again so I can wash out all of the awful feelings.

[~*forever_broken*~]

*gives her lovely RYL mom a good long hug*
Aww Susan...I'm sorry. I wish I could do something...I wish I could help. I think it was a good thing to share...you obviously needed it. I'm glad your friend was there to give you the hug you needed. Also glad that you managed to walk past the alcohol section at the market. *hugs you again cause she's proud of you*

I just don't know what else to say...I'm so sorry... I'm glad you can cry though, I know it's good for you.

Please, please take care of yourself...don't hurt yourself... Please...it's kind of like giving your mom the power to hurt you still...

Much love from your RYL daughter,
Alyssa

[Ileana]

I really can't say much 'cause I'm not in the right mind to do so...but I read.

[Stellata]

You're not ugly. Ugly things were done to you.

I also crave protection.

Crying can be very healing. It's good you're learning to cry again.

[Seraphsigh]

*snuggles*
Even though what you've been through is so tough, it is incredible that you are in the mindset to be able to share your thoughts with us freely. You are obviously a very strong person, but I also know you are equally caring of other people. I respect you endlessly!
That being said, I'm thinking about you and hope that you continue to open up to yourself and discover ways to fight out those demons...you will.

love,

D'Arcy

[little mermaid]

It's good that you are crying. it releases toxins. keeping it insside is poisonous.

I havwe very similar feelings to you. I've been tempted to hate my body for the things that have happened to it. But whatever happened, it wasn't your fault or your bodies fault. It happened to your body - you should be that big strong protector for yourself. you have to love your body.
So, You're a woman. and there's nothing you can do about it. I have wanted to scratch my skin off, to run out of my body and never look back at it. but you can't. you have to realize that your body is wwhat keeps your soul and your spirit from crashing into things. it keeps you warm and safe.
don't add to the painw it's been through.

pm me if you need, I'm Lia.. and I think wwe might have some experiences in common from what I've read.

xo

[Stellata]

How're you doing now?

[blondiebear]

I'm back to being blue and sad and wanting to si.
I hate my body and I hate my mother for teaching to hate my body. When I think about what I want for xmas the first thing that pops into my head is double mastectomy. (The second thing is a pair of earrings, watermelon tourmaline which is bi-color pink and green. Earrings are one of my vices.)

Thank you Monarkh. Did you enjoy the rain yesterday? Modjeska canyon was evacuated for a while last night, it was involved in the Santiago Fire.

Longing tears, where've you been?

Lia, i will certainly pm you when I have time. Likely tomorrow.

I appreciate everyones' encouraging words. That is what makes it possible for me to walk through this. The only way to get out of it is through. That is why it is time for me to start working that incest workbook.

I'll catch up with you later. One of my girlfriends is coming over today for a sewing session. My hubi is picking her up at the bus stop now.

I still want to SI. I don't have to right now.

[Stellata]

I'm glad you don't have to si. Good for you for realising that.

Why not hate your mother instead???!!

The workbook sounds a good plan. :)

[hammy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~longing~tears~

You're not ugly. Ugly things were done to you.

I also crave protection.

Crying can be very healing. It's good you're learning to cry again.

^^^^ agrees

I personally, from what I know of you, think that you are lovely.
much love to you
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
hammy

[blondiebear]

One of my friends heard in a religeous service that there is a difference between forgiveness and exoneration. Forgiveness means that you're letting go of what should have been. Okay, I should have been cared for, cherished instead of being belittled and groped. That doesn't change what happened and that it really did happen and that my mother is a poor pathetic messed up b###h.
I can forgive my mother without going back for more. She won't stop what she does. Just like i'd forgive a snake for biting me but would not go into its den.

The only way to get rid of these feelings is to get through them and past them. The friend who gave me such a hug reminded me that it will end in time.

My living/dining room has the decor of explosion in a fabric store, so it took a while for us to find my workbook. Now I know where it is and can pull put my pencil and get to work. Didn't do it today because one of my friends was over.

Please, anyone with experience with this, talk to me?

[pea soup]

hi there...

im sorry im just now replying.
ive been quiet for a bit, i guess.
i can relate to quite alot of what youve said....and we are both alcoholics and i have incest issues also.
thats about all i want to say right now.
im really sorry its all surfacing for you but maybe that means that youre ready to deal with it in a healthier way.
please pm me if you want or feel like it.
i'll try to answer any questions you have .
much love.
xxxxxxxxx

[blondiebear]

I finally found the workbook, sideways in a stack of books. Did the first chapter on Monday. That was about when and where I would do the work.

I tried to make a tote for a coffee pot/urn last week and it turned out a mess, way too big. It is a great functional piece of luggage, just waaay too big. I have another idea for how to work it but am afraid to try it. My husband is good at "draping" designs but doesn't want to after 8 hours at his job and I can't blame him.

I'm hurting physically, arthritis in the ankle I broke 5 years ago. Weather is changing, low 80's today/Wed, 50's and 1-3 inches rain on Friday. I love rain but the pressure changes that go along with weather changes hurt. I don't like to take anything for the pain so I don't overdo. Knowing I have arthritis makes me feel so old and tired.........

Having one of those days when feeling stupid and less than. Am dealing with emotions from childhood. Want to know why I was so less than my sister, so much less that it was okay for my mother and sister and father to sexually harass me. Of so little value that I in trouble for how I cooked vegtables and of so little value that I left the dinner table hungry, frequently.

Want to si "LESS" for worth less, use less into my arm.

Want to si so the last one won't be the date I stopped getting messages from daddy-friend. Sounds like a stupid reason but I want it to not be his fault and not be on his conscience.
Looking for an excuse to do it one last time. I've set December 21 as my last date.

Also got the supplies for scarification. Spit spit spit i'm a whining idiot.

To top it all off, I have a great big ugly spot/pimple/zit forming on my chest. And lost another blackhead remover. Yuck-o-matic. At least I wear crew neck shirts!

Thanks for coming to my pity party.

[sparklyshoes]

*hugs*
Just because your mother told you you are all those awful things doesn't mean you are. You need to start loving yourself and seeing what you really are. There is no shame in being a woman. I know you feel really self conscious because of your experiences but by harming yourself and making yourself feel "uglier" is not going to help you in the long run sweetheart. Have you ever had any other therapy apart from the AA? x

[blondiebear]

Hi everyone!

Sorry for being a post pig and writing novelettes.

Sharlieshoes, yes i'm in therapy. I started with a new therapist in March after my old one cut back her hours. The new therapist has me doing a lot of work, good stuff that is helping me exorsise (sp) the horrible stuff. She is the one who assigned me to do the workbook and the art therapy.

I handed over the scarification tools to daddy-friend last night at the meeting. I told him that I was tattling on myself to him because he called me on wanting to do the scarification as si. He was okay with me telling him. He disposed of the tools in the nearest round file (trash can) without even looking to see what they were. And had a daddy-friend hug for me. A couple of the other guys in the meeting are helping me out too.

Right now the desire to amputate has eased. Instead I spent Wednesday wondering why I wasn't worth enough to my family to have enough to eat. Then i did a drawing about that and another about the lack of privacy from my mom when I was growing up.

I've done two chapters in my "Courage to Heal" workbook for survivors of sexual abuse.

I have shaking hands again. I can sew well enough because the way the sewing machine works helps to keep things straight and steady. Crocheting is tough and I have three scarves I want to finish by Monday so I can get them shipped off in good time. I'm working with bulky yarn instead of worsted/medium weight.

I think that someones' handwriting can indicate their character. My handwriting looks like it did when I was 14, when I started si-ing. I figure it is from dealing with and feeling the emotions then. And it will go back to my adult form when things ease and when my hands stop shaking.

I would love more input. I'm a hug hog too.

Thanks so much!

[hammy]

hi blondiebear, I most definately can give you a big hug

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx HUG

[Stellata]

Yes, it's very likely to do with the feelings then, the handwriting shift. My handwriting shifts now and again.

And art therapy is very healing.