I'm depressed and self-harming right now. Some days I'm low and cut, some days I'm low and don't cut, some days I feel able to cope, some days I think I can cope but I can't.
I'm on meds and waiting for therapy. I've been assessed and told that "Yes, you do need therapy " (No #### sherlock, didn't I tell you that?). I've been waiting for 4 months, and I've probably got 2 more months to wait to see someone.
I had some really bad triggers last week and my SH got worse over the weekend. On friday night I really lost it (by my standards) and went further than I have before (not anything that needed stitches or similar though - yet).
I was struggling yesterday and was bouncing stuff off a friend of mine who's had difficulties in the past by email and described what I'd been thinking and doing. He was honest and was pretty shocked by what I was saying, even though he already knew I was struggling. I read back what I'd written afterwards and I was like "Oh my God, this is not normal, in fact it's pretty ####ed up".
Thing is, I've felt okay today (this probably isn't true as I've cut tonight), but my mate reckons I should go to the doctor tomorrow and tell her about what's happened recently, but that just feels stupid. I mean what do i say? "Yeah, I was a bit down on friday, but feel okay today - what are you going to do now I'm back on an up-slope?"
How trhe hell do I do that? And what the hell will she do anyway?
hi there.....
i do think you should go and tell your doc about what youve done and the thoughts youre having.
im not sure what she'll do but just because youre on an "up-slope" doesnt mean that it will last forever.
and you'll need some ways of coping for when the down times come.
hope that helps a little.
much love.
xx
Chris, sorry its long bare with me, (i sometimes write abit)
Hey im glad youve managed to post well done,
im currently hiding in veterans psych ward right now but ive
come out to offer support,
Hey im sorry your depressed and self harming mate its quite scary isnt it
going through this stuff, you hang in there mate.
I understand you on the feeling low some days and cutting ,and feeling low and not cutting. And having the days where you can cope and other days thinking you can cope but cant.
well done for managing the days and not cutting, i know how hard that is, be patient with yourself and manage the best you can, look at the days you cope as a bonus and the days you struggle as a learning curve.
Please just try to be as safe as you can with your self injury,
please do your best to minimise it, and keep posting for support
and distractions.
Im glad your on meds , how long have you been on them, they can take
about 5-6 weeks some times to feel a difference, watch out for side effects too. Hey i know how frustrating it is waiting for therapy, please hold on, and annoying when its clear you need therapy but their slow to agree . At least its only 2 more months, your heading in the right direction mate, hold on.
Im sorry you have had some bad triggers again very frightening when they surface, its about learning to manage over time,lean on us when you need to. Sorry your SI was worse at weekend, its scary if you recognise
a drastic change in your SI, be as safe as you can, ensure you have some medical stuff available, i tend to have stuff, such as steri strips, etc.
And be prepared in case you have to get treatment, you always have here as a first call.
Its a coping mechanism right now, its not something you can stop straight away, you need to replace it slowly with something else. Im still battling my SI Cutting myself, keep going Chris.
Having a friend to bounce off can be good, im glad he was honest its often best, it can help you to look at yourself and how your coping. And also to re read your own words, be gentle with yourself mate, it can be scary realising what we often do to cope.
Im glad youve felt okish today you will get days like that, and hold onto them chris, ok so youve cut but i recon youve managed the best you can.
Please consider what your mate, and apple l has suggested mate,
going to see your dr inbetween waiting for therapy is a good idea
youve nothing to loose, its not stupid, tell her the truth
you were down on friday and that you were ok today
being depressed chris your mood can change from good days to bad days, often shifting back and forth, your meds should help ballance that in time. Its a normal reaction and important to tell others about.
just be honest about your feelings and emotions however strange they appear, she should listen and offer advice, please go.
be safe mate, and take care,
keep posting, let us know
Dave
Last edited by bleedingdragon : 05-06-2007 at 09:37 PM.
Reason: removed a name
" Use only that which Works, and take it from any place you find it" Im Honoured My RYL Sons are :)Atlantica, ,Saint of Misery, Stevevaijr
My Adoptee :)S_Pod live help
Thanks for the kind words. It's really helpful. I've made my mind up, and I WILL ring for an appointment tomorrow morning. Because of stuff that's going on in my life right now I'm half expecting more triggers later this week and it will be helpful if she can calm me down a bit.
I've been on meds for 3-4 months now and they're suiting me. I had some manic episodes early on, but have settled down into them now. I know I would be a lot worse without them. It's funny actually because I have a chemistry/pharmaceutical background and know all about what they are and why they work. Never thought I'd end up on them!!
The best advice i can give you is to keep a diary of your thoghts and feelings when you are down and cutting. Its so easy to forget when things seem ok and its sods law that you will feel ok when you go to see the doc and not get across exactly how bad things have been.
I used to write things in my phone. I always have my phone with me so it was easy to jot stuff down. Some days i would sit and write stuff on random scraps of paper and others i would keep a mini journal in word and password protect it so no one could read it.
I used to take my scraps of paper and phone messages and word printouts to the CPN. It built up a picture and it got me the help i needed.
Alas the wait for treatment can be long. I had to wait 7 months before i was assessed and then weas told i may have to wait another 6 until i got to see someone. In the end i went private. Im lucky that my parents are footing the bill.
Im glad you made the decision to make the appointment. I hope it goes well!
Take care
Matthew
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
Location: Denial Tent, Virtual Psych Ward Campsite, MA, USA
I am currently:
people here are so smart, arent they? they give the best advice
i am so glad that you have decided to ring your doctor that is amazing and good for you
i dont think i can give any better advice than has already been said
i mostly wanted to let you know that i completely empathize with how you feel about not knowing what to say to the doctor and whether or not there is any point in even going, and just how to deal with this in general. i'm right with you on all that but i seem to get to the point of making appts and then cancelling them but anyway i think you are doing the right thing and please keep us updated and let us know how it goes.
Had a terrible meeting this morning where I got a right going over and really had to defend myself on a work matter/technical point (I was right and sort of got my own way), but it left me feeling really stressed and attacked and wound up. Actually tried to harm at work at lunchtime for the first time, but I didn't have anything "suitable" and wasn't able to calm myself. Felt a mess all afternoon - couldn't concentrate and flitted from one job to another and left early to go to the doc's.
I actually saw her last week for a med review and she was really happy and said she'd see me in september so she could tell something was wrong straightaway. Described all the #### I've been up to over the last week and the fact that I've SHd more in the last 4 days than the previous 3-4 months, the fact that it's getting worse, I've got new, specific, tools and so on. She wants to see me again on Monday now!! 2 steps forward and one back, or one forward and two back?
She's now worried that the surgery counsellers won't touch me while I'm harming and that I've got to go back to the CMHT. I just want to see somebody dammit. I'm not cutting because I want to wait longer ffs.
Anyway. I will NOT let myself SH tonight. I won't.
...Hopefully.
Last edited by ChrisG : 06-06-2007 at 07:07 PM.
Reason: added a bit
Hey that must have been hard having a terrible meeting , hey sorry you were targeted, its good to hear you defended yourself. That must have been really hard ontop of how your feeling, good for you in getting your own way.
Hey that was good that you didnt actually self harm at work even tho you were stressed and wound up.
Again good move in deciding to go to drs in afternoon,and well done for being so honest in telling her how you felt chris.
Good job you did make the appointment.
We all take steps forward and back, the fact that you are aware of your feelings and how you are behaving is a big step towards you on your
journey towards controling it. Hey im sorry your dr thinks you wont be touched by the surgery counsellors. Its wrong chris they should still see you, its obvious your using SI to cope and their bloody job is to help you with the underlying reasons behind the SI.
Im sorry i get angry about that, my CMHT told me i wouldnt get
any psychotherapy while i was still SI which annoyed me, cause how are you ment to get support of counselling if they wont touch you until youve stopped SI,
Being able to stop SI isnt always a quick fix,we dont want to wait all that time till weve stopped, before being supported by counselling i think its a cop out by them grr. keep fighting.
well done chris for what you have managed,
please be gentle with yourself
look after yourself
keep posting
Dave
" Use only that which Works, and take it from any place you find it" Im Honoured My RYL Sons are :)Atlantica, ,Saint of Misery, Stevevaijr
My Adoptee :)S_Pod live help
Location: Denial Tent, Virtual Psych Ward Campsite, MA, USA
I am currently:
glad you are doing okay
it's so great that you are seeking out help for it and that you are so self-aware
i'm sorry that it is taking so long with the doctors and everything but hang in there, it will be worth it
good luck xxxooo
Chris
Well done mate for not harming last night, and great youve had a better day at work , im happy for you mate.
Yep i hear you chris about looking forward to end of the week,
youve done well and we are all here for you mate
well done .
Dave
Last edited by bleedingdragon : 07-06-2007 at 10:35 PM.
Reason: removing text i didnt need yep
" Use only that which Works, and take it from any place you find it" Im Honoured My RYL Sons are :)Atlantica, ,Saint of Misery, Stevevaijr
My Adoptee :)S_Pod live help
Location: Denial Tent, Virtual Psych Ward Campsite, MA, USA
I am currently:
That's awesome!! I am so glad for you! Keep updating us, yeah?
This week could not have been longer. I think there is like some sort of cosmic force messing with the space-time-continuum or something because it has taken about 50 years for this week to end.
At work already and have just had an unpleasant message (left over from yesterday actually) that pulls all my triggers. I need to have a good day at work otherwise I will not cope. It is a good job that I am at work and out in public though. I'm a bit anxious.
Location: Denial Tent, Virtual Psych Ward Campsite, MA, USA
I am currently:
I'm at work right now, too. Not handling the triggers as well as you though, but good for you! I am sorry that it isnt starting off well, but hang in there. You have seen how strong you can be from yesterday. keep it up! You are making such great progress it is inspiring to hear about. Hang in there - take it an hour at a time. I think it can be a mixed blessing working in public around other people who dont know what is going on with us. Sometimes putting on the happy face is deceiving because it makes us lie even to ourselves, but in reality it is good to get out and go on with our daily activities and keep living life. I am so glad that you are getting out and making it in to work. Ok i should stop writing I feel like this is a jumbled mess of incoherent sentences. Have a good day and be safe and keep writing.
xxxooo
Had to go and see employee health (EHM) today because my boss had referred me after spotting my SH He'd spotted it a while ago, but a team member had tipped him off that it still be carrying on (there's a reason for that - it had never stopped!!) and EHM insisted on seeing me.
The guy was quite helpful, although he asked some awful awful questions about my triggers and the thought processes and emotions that precede the triggers, that I really did not want to answer. He's tried to suggest some alternate "coping" mechanisms that I totally tuned out of because that's no use to me at all: when I want to cut the only thing that works is cutting and at the moment I don't want to not cut when I feel like I need to cut. My SH isn't the problem that needs solving - solve my real problems and I reckon I'll be able to cope with the SH. While I've still got my real problems I'm quite at ease SHing to cope when I need to.
Fortunately I've been so busy I've not had chance to brood today on yesterday's news: we were out at the pub for a team lunch so I had my public face on and then I was in a meeting all afternoon. Trying to round up some mates tonight so I'm not alone.
A better day than I was expecting first thing, but I just hope I haven't stored up frustrations to take out later...
Location: Denial Tent, Virtual Psych Ward Campsite, MA, USA
I am currently:
i hope it wasnt too awkward with the emh person. they are only trying to help regardless of whether or not they understand it all. i almost wish my work knew about this because i feel like despite my best efforts it will come out eventually no matter what. it's like waiting for the pin to drop. anyway i am sorry about that it must have felt weird not revealing it on your own time in your own way when you were ready for it.
Chris
Hang in there mate your coping with these things really well
That must have been tuff for you Chris, to have to see your employee(emh)
im sorry that a team member tipped your boss off. As long as your SI isnt interfering with your job , it should be something you should have been able to approach someone over if and when you decided to. So i can understand how that felt to you,and how angry you would be.
I m glad he was quite helpfull to you,
He should have respected your wanting to not answer some of these difficult questions. He should have picked up on how you were feeling and stopped trying to push on to you the alternate coping mechanisms, that was too much for you, im sorry you were put through that.
He should have understood that yes there are coping mechanisms other than SH. But its not as easy to immediatly use them instead of your SH
and yes right now its your way of coping. Your so right too chris they often miss the fact that the SH isnt the main issue, its the real problems behind that that they should be helping you with.
Dont give up mate keep pushing them , and keep posting and asking for support here and we will be there for you.
Its good you have a positive focus on managing your SH to help you cope, i guess remembering about being safe while doing it is important to mate. but well done for that.
Its good too chris when you can be busy to stop you brooding, thats great you made sure you wernt alone and had some mates with you.
well done you for the day turning out better than you thought it would be.
keep going your doing well, please keep us posted and continue to post for support and a chat.
Dave
" Use only that which Works, and take it from any place you find it" Im Honoured My RYL Sons are :)Atlantica, ,Saint of Misery, Stevevaijr
My Adoptee :)S_Pod live help
. At least its only 2 more months, your heading in the right direction mate, hold on.
I will be glad when this week is over though.
He'd spotted it a while ago, but a team member had tipped him off that it still be carrying on (there's a reason for that - it had never stopped!!) and EHM insisted on seeing me.
