I don't know what's real or what's wrong help

[cote1234]

Idk what is wrong with me. the world feels as if it mocks me everywhere I look, I don't know what is real or fake at all it all has just became noise in my head. I feel emotions but I dont, I like myself but I hate everything about myself, I think about suicide but I don't want to die, I enjoy every minute of pain that comes to me but I want it to stop.

Everything I think contradicts it self.

I am currently 23, male. I have isolated my self from people since I was 14. I don't really know why I think it's because I don't trust them or like them, but I feel as though I need them I feel like I need someone. But every time I try to make friends it always ends up bad. I get a storm of noise of negative emotions and thoughts when I'm around people in a social setting. I end up just zoning out completely and just sitting there quiet.

I really don't know what to think and what is real anymore. I feel like I am hanging off a bridge all the time waiting to fall off.

Now everything I said is anxiety and depression problems I understand that. What leads me to my biggest struggle, I don't know if I am lieing to my self about all this, it all feels artificial. I can't remember a single though that causes me problems or a reason why I want to die other then to end the pain, that I can't even remember to why I feel all I know is everything hurts, body mind and soul.

Welp that is prob a mess thanks for reading if you did! I am currently in the process of going to the doctor's about this, 3rd time trying to explain it hopefully they help me more then just giving me 300 Advil like last 2
times.

[one_step_closer]

It sounds like you're going through a lot and it's distressing you and confusing you somewhat. Do you have an appointment with a doctor? Maybe you could copy out what you have written here and show it to them. With depression and other mental health problems there sometimes are no concrete 'reasons' for feeling that way, they are illnesses that can affect anyone even people who seem to have great life circumstances. Do you know what sort of help you'd like the doctor to offer? Good luck.

[nonperson]

Hi, just want to say that I really understand a lot of what you've written there - the contrasting emotions, the social stuff and feeling like it's all artificial.

I hope it goes ok at the doctors for you.