I don't normally talk about this stuff.
I hate talking about it. I fantasize about someone helping me. A friend figuring it out. A friend seeing scars. A friend seeing the med kit I keep on me and wondering why, because that's not normal. A friend seeing the tools I keep around for the next time I feel like dying.
I can't tell the one person I trust because he is required by law to report it and it would jeopardize his job (I'm his student)
I infinitely prefer keeping things to myself. I loathe the empty words of encouragement that people provide when you tell them this kind of thing.
It's been so long since I last SH'ed. Months. But just the last few weeks, I've felt the urges again. Uncontrollable. Unnaturally strong. Almost like a drug addiction. Nothing should be as strong as that. But these are. And SH is easier to hide, function, and financially continue. So I'll do this instead.
I'm in my last year of high school. I'm surprised too. My friend (the teacher) is the only reason I stayed. He is my best friend. But I cant tell him. It would only make things hard for him, and wouldn't achieve anything.
So... why am I here? Your guess is as good as mine. I have a plan for this year. Enjoy school as much as I can while it lasts... and say goodbye to it all after exams. It's gonna take me a whole year to write the note I'll leave for him.
I should probably post this in the venting forum but.. maybe subconsciously I want someone to take pity on me. Don't get me wrong though. You shouldn't. I'm a terrible person. Don't give me the privilege of your well meant words when someone else could use them more.
I think this breaks community guidelines. Oh well. Sorry moderators
“It is such a mysterious place, the land of tears.”
― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince
It sounds like things are incredibly lonely for you at the moment.
You say that you prefer keeping things to yourself but from some of the other things you've said I wonder if there's a part of you that desperately wants to not have to keep it all to yourself. Has there ever been a time when someone was aware of what was going on and their input was helpful?
Do you want to talk about the feelings that lead to you wanting to SH?
A couple of times I've shared it with people. They never did anything bad with the information, and tried to support me but... thats part of the reason I hated it. I hated relying on people, and having them look at me and just KNOW what was going on... It made me feel helpless. Weak. Disgusting.
I like the idea of help. Crave it, even. But the reality of asking for help is too much work for something that wont help. The idea that people care about me enough to help must be why I think about it a lot, but I loathe it when people actually do. If that makes sense?
Everything feels like too much effort. I'm worried about what my friends would think of me, but at the same time I dont care. One minute I'm self conscious to the point that it drives me insane, the next I literally couldnt give a shit and do whatever I want, in front of who ever I want. But again, do the wrong thing, and someone might try to help you. I dont know. Im rambling. I'm suprised I managed to care enough to write a reply. usually i type one sentence and give up. Its just not worth the effort usually.
“It is such a mysterious place, the land of tears.”
― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince
I know what you mean when you say you crave help and then feel horrible when someone tries to help you. I've told a friend or two in the past and regretted it almost instantly. I'm sorry I don't have anything else to say, I just wanted to let you know I understand.
Whilst I can understand your frustration, it sounds like your friend was just worried about you and wanted to make sure you got help. Could you try being honest with the professionals who have no got involved? They are there to help you.
I know my friend was trying to help. But I can't help being angry.
I usually am somewhat honest with professionals, if only because once they know, what's the point in hiding? But they cant do much because im not a minor (luckily)
When my teacher came and spoke to me, I was angry, but not at him. I was mostly ashamed that he knew about this side of me. I think thats why im so angry at my friend.
I dont want to disappoint him.
“It is such a mysterious place, the land of tears.”
― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince
I'm glad that you know that your friend was trying to help, and whilst I think it's important to rationalise the anger and not take it out on your friend, I also think it's OK to still feel that anger, if that makes sense.
Did your teacher offer you any support? Why does him knowing make you feel ashamed? I doubt he would be disappointed in you just because you're struggling with an illness.
Did the professionals offer anything else aside from medication?
My teacher offered me more support than anyone else has. The professionals want me to speak to them and have more appointments, but I've refused. It never helped before, and I'm better at dealing with things myself. My teacher and I have the same relationship that we had before he found out, which i am immensely grateful for, as I was worried it would make him into another 'professional' trying to help me. He is sometimes a bit kinder to me in class: not so much that it seems like favoritism, but enough to let me know that he cares and that he is there for me. I wouldn't go see him about my problems anyway, but it helps to know that I could, i guess.
To answer your question, I'm ashamed of him seeing me as weak i spose. I know that is stupid, and of course I dont think that mental illness is shameful, but when it comes to me, i cant help but be ashamed.
I've noticed that you (Pi.R^2, i mean) have been helping me out a bit, not just here, but on other threads. Thanks for that. It means a lot
“It is such a mysterious place, the land of tears.”
― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince
I'm glad to hear that your teacher is being supportive but not in a way that you would find unhelpful! It's so helpful to have someone who you trust.
Now, this won't be what you want to hear, but you've said that you're better at dealing things by yourself, but rereading your first post, it doesn't sound like you're happy with the way things are? Would you be happy for things to stay like this for the foreseeable future, or are there things that you would like to be improved?
Yep, we always seem to judge ourselves differently to how we would judge someone else! I hope that the experience with this teacher has helped convince you that other people won't judge you or think of you as weak for having mental health problems.
