This will be a long one!
I'm new here....
So I've suffered depression for as long as I can remember.
I had to go back to work when my youngest was 6 weeks old and I really struggled with little - no help from anyone, including my partner. I had 3 children, a full-time job and the house work to deal with.
It was so hard to cope. Fast forward I got pregnant again (with my 4th - over the moon with joy) ...my middle child got bruises which were of 'concern' still not sure what they were from but still they were there. Definitely weren't caused from abuse.
The house was an absolute bomb site.. Not to the extent where we had flies, maggots or anything like that but still bad. Social Services got involved and my older two went to live with their dad while they investigated where the bruises came from - youngest baby (my partners) went to live with partners mum. They were away for 6 months. Finally everything was cleared and the bruises were basically said to be accidental but the house was an issue (it was sparkling clean once the kids were gone - we sorted it. Not a thing out of place since), the fact we let it get that bad they put it down to neglect. Which was awful. Absolutely awful to hear.
I feel like such a failure. My older two are still living with their dad. This bloke never did a thing for them. To the point when I worked I had to pay a child minder to have them so I could actually go to work, as he'd rather get stoned. I'm not saying he's still like this (I haven't a clue) but he was for the 7 years we were together. It's heart breaking. How much I failed my children and I just can't get over it. A month ago was the final court date that said the older two say with their dad because they're 'settled' and my youngest baby and unborn baby will be returned to me.
My mental health is really taking a battering. That and being heavily pregnant isn't helping.
Anyone know how I can help myself? I've tried anti depressants before. I was on them a few years and they just didn't do anything. I'm struggling to the point that I have suicidal thoughts.. A lot. If I weren't pregnant I don't know what I'd have done by now.
I want to speak to my husband about it but I really struggle to talk... I find this sort of thing easier - where I don't have to sit in front of someone and cry.
Sorry it's so long. Hopefully someone can help me
