Christmas and memories and grief.

Aubergine · 06-12-2017, 08:12 PM

Christmas is coming and it's hard. I feel anxious about it. It brings up so much crap. I do enjoy bits of it, and as a Christian it's an important time of year for me, but parts of it are so tough.

I have awful memories of a Christmas I spent on a psychiatric ward. I'd spent a few weeks on a psychiatric high dependency ward and had been transfered to the acute ward a few days before the 25th. The psychiatrist would not allow me home, and only authorised 60 minutes of escorted leave in the hospital grounds. My mum, step dad and sister came and we spent some time in the cafe in the general hospital. I have awful memories. I was sectioned in my mum's house and the police came because I'd locked myself in my bedroom and wouldn't come out. The HDU was horrible. The acute ward was... an acute ward at Christmas, which is never a nice thing. It was so traumatic. Restraint and fear and shouting and crying and that's the bits I can remember. The nightmares have started and there's weeks to go yet.

My Nan died in January 4 years ago. I miss her so much. My Mum wasn't around until I was about 10 years old and my dad worked full time, so my nan was one of my two primary care givers as I grew up. I used to spend every Christmas day evening with her and stay the night, even into adulthood. I missed one year out of 26 and that was the year I spent in hospital. I feel so bad about that. The missed year. That extra night I could have spent with her but didn't. I remember my last Christmas with her. It was really lovely, but I would have made it so much more special if I'd known. She died so suddenly. One day I chatted to her on the phone and the very next day my dad appears at my workplace to tell me my aunt had found her body. I'd give anything for another cuddle with her. I know I'll see her again one day, but it's tough waiting.

Christmas is just a stressful time anyway. I'm really fortunate that my family and friends are great and understand my limits, but there is still so much to navigate. I'm spending Christmas day with my Dad, which will be nice and quiet. I'm going to see friends on boxing day to play boardgames and listen to Christmas music. I'm seeing my mum the day after. I've got some church stuff planned and I'll have some alone time. It all appears very manageable, but when coupled with grief and bad memories, it all feels so overwhelming. Maybe the distraction will be good? I don't know.

Sorry. This has been a splurge. I'm fine. A lot of people struggle at Christmas. A hug and/or a kind word would be very welcome though.

Sketchy · 06-12-2017, 08:27 PM

I’m so sorry Christmas is hard for you. I have a similar story, where years ago I was sectioned a few days after Christmas and two years ago I lost my mum, so Christmas is is hard. What I’m saying is, I do understand, so if you ever need someone to talk to who will understand then I’m here.

There’s so much pressure to be happy at Christmas and it can all seem overwhelming. Take your time and go at your own pace. It’s ok to have quiet moments and to take care of yourself.

I’m sending big hugs your way.

one_step_closer · 06-12-2017, 08:29 PM

You're right that a lot of people struggle at Christmas, but it's hard when you're inside your own struggles and it seems like most people are having a lovely time. How do you normally cope over this time? You've got a lot of memories to ruminate on, do you find it difficult to stay in the moment and just focus on what needs to be done and what can be enjoyed in the present? I understand what you mean about things seeming manageable but with all your grief and things on top of that it makes things pretty difficult. How much do you talk to your family and friends about how you're feeling? I really hope you can make some better memories this Christmas.

Aubergine · 13-12-2017, 01:22 AM

I just wanted to say thank you so much for the replies. I'll come back and respond properly soon. You're stars.

Aubergine · 17-12-2017, 10:55 PM

I'm starting to really struggle. My anxiety is increasing the closer it gets to Christmas. I guess I usually just plough on through and take a bit sigh of relief when it's all over. I wish I could just go to church on Christmas morning and ignore all the rest of it. I don't really talk to family about it. It was a hard time for them too when I was in hospital, and I don't like to remind them of it. I've done all of my shopping online. Just need to get Christmas cards for family. I could cry.

Juella · 18-12-2017, 10:05 AM

I'm sorry you struggle so much. But the closer it gets to holidays - the closer it gets to them being over. Is it possible to actually spend it like any other day, except for going to church?

While it might have been a hard time for your family when you was unwell, it definitely was even harder for you, and you deserve their support when it comes to the painful memories. If your family is supportive, I think talking to them might be helpful and maybe they can think of something to make this time of the year easier for you. And if you feel like crying, that's okay too. It's good to get your emotions out.