Not safe...just not. Too bad I have to be. Too bad I have to hold it togeather right now (even though I'm not sure I can). I have to go home for Thanksgiving (I REALLY don't want to)...to be there for my family. See, my cousin has a brain tumor and we're just waiting for him to die...he's having hallucinations because of the tumor and that's hard on everyone...so I have to go home...to help. And I have to hide how awful I'm feeling. No one, save my older sister, knows that I'm taing ADs and or that I'm going to counseling. And NO ONE, not even my sister, knows that I cut or have been/am suicidal... so I have to go home and not fall apart. I have to be 'OK'...better than OK, I need to be strong, even though all I want to do is curl up and die...to cut my wrists and be finished with it all... I need to keep it togeather for my family...
Must I..?
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
Unfortunately, I know how you feel...I'm going into the gamut this week as well. But YOU need to stay strong, honey, I know you can do it. I'm sending you lots of good vibes from the west coast.
*hugs*
Let us know how you're doing when you can.
Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae.
Lambchop, LadyMacbeth, Butterfly525, and Moonchild are my sisters. Ruffle is my daughter. That Faery Kid is my kitty!
I'm sorry hun, it can be really hard having to hide all that kind of stuff from your family, emotionally draining and often makes you feel worse. Stay strong sweety, not for your family but for yourself, don't just 'keep it together' on the outside, try and remind yourself how strong you are to have gotten this far, and to have asked for help and to be trying so hard to make things better for yourself and your family.
If all else fails remind yourself that's it's not for long and slink away to get online to RYL as much as possible.
Monarkh, thanks. Sorry to hear you're looking toward something similer :s
Thanks also for the encouragement battlekitten, really :)
As for me...forget it. I don't care. No one that knows about all this gives a flying **** (present company excepted you two), so why should I? God, it's so not fair that I have to stay around for others...maybe I can drive into the side of the mountain on my way over the pass today... *sigh* no, once again, other people. You know, I went in yesterday to have a cut closed (no stitches yay, just steri strips) and wound up feeling bad for the guy who did it and thinking I won't go in for a cut again because it was hard on the guy that looked at it!! Once again, other people...
Oh never mind...I'm just whining...sorry :s
Last edited by ~*forever_broken*~ : 20-11-2007 at 04:58 PM.
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. Please don't drive into the side of a mountain or cut your wrists. That isn't about your family, that's about you.
Wear long sleeves. Get a hug from your older sister when you're feeling weird.
Everyone will be paying attention to your cousin anyway, so you should be able to mostly stay on the edges of family things if you want. Sometimes being of service keeps you away from the center of things. (I did dishes at the wedding reception when my grandmother got remarried in 1989)
You are not responsible for your family.
Of course, talk to us. We understand.
Love, blondie/susan
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
Yeah I know...I'm sounding awfully self-centered aren't I? See, I know I have to stick around because they don't need that on top of all of this...and that makes me feel worse for being selfish because I don't want to do this any more.
And I'm afraid I'll snap at folks or not be as helpful as I should because I feel so awful.
And my cousin...I don't want to see him like that...just hearing about it breaks my heart.
...A good thing my sister and niece are up...my sister seems to think that Auntie is the all-time-even-when-mom-is-there baby-sitter...and seeing as how I think my niece is the best thing in the world she should be a good distraction...
*and the whining continues...sorry*
god I suck...
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
hello there
Things do sound really tough for you at the moment, especially with your cousin being so ill. You're definately not whining and I'm pleased you felt able to post.
Please dont cut your wrists or drive into the mountain, you are worth more than that. The others all given really good advice. I just wanted to let you know that I understand, and I do care.
Not whining, voicing concerns
Not selfish, trying really hard to look after everyone; possibly to the detrement of yourself.
Seriously, what you are worrying about is how you will impact on your family, that is like the opposite of selfish. I think you're trying really hard and shouldn't beat yourself up.
Thanks guys.
Made it over the pass without driving into the mountain.
Not sure what I'm going to do now...I SHOULD go visit with my Aunt tomorrow but I'm just not sure if I can do it... I'm not much in a people mood (would prefere to stay in bed all day alone) and I'm not sure I could handle it if my cousin had any hallucinations while I was there... I feel so selfish because of that but the idea of having to be present and see him like that makes me so sad... my poor cousin... my poor Aunt and Uncle... my poor family...
Also, am a little worried about someone finding out about my SI as I noticed I keep holding onto the edge of my shirt sleeves like I'm trying to keep them down...
*sigh*
Anyway, thanks for letting me 'complain'
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
Try and take it easy and dont be too hard on yourself. It will be difficult seeing your cousin definately, but I bet when they see you it will be smiles all round. I'm so glad you made it over the pass.
I'm sure if you relax a little and just wear long sleaves no one will see your scars. Sending you big hugs xxxx hope it all goes well, I'm sure it will
Sorry to hear you're still so upset.
Can you just button the cuffs of your shirts? Or get a man's shirt because the sleeves are longer? (I wear men's shirts anyway because i'm a broad shouldered long armed person.)
At accessory stores in the mall they have stretch bracelet thingies that help hold in place the sleeves of sweaters when you push them up. I should think they'd help when you want to hold your sleeves down too. They're usually gold tone.
Because i'm a long armed monkey with dainty wrists, I often end up moving in the buttons on the cuffs so they don't fall onto my knuckles. That's easy so the cuffs will be secure.
Oh yeah, I love to wear men's flannel shirts too. It's like wearing a favorite blanket. Again, just move the buttons on the cuffs so they're secure.
Am I being an over helpful pain in the posterior yet?
If you go to your aunt and uncle's house, don't focus on your cousin. Ask your aunt and uncle how they are doing. The listen or pretend to listen. Your aunt and uncle are going through their own personal hell. Can you offer to do chores or run errands? This way you can be helpful without having to see your cousin so much. If you go see your aunt and uncle and cousin with your mom, take your own car anyway in case it gets to be too much.
Loving cherishing hugs,
Susan
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
LOL, no Susan, youre being very helpful thanks, and amusing as well (I went through a flannel shirt phase...still love em but don't often wear them).
We'll see how it goes today... I think I'll make it north for a bit and I'll let y'all know how it goes
thanks again all and much much love
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
I've been at my grandmas for less than two hours...seen Grandma, my sister, my brother-in-law and my niece... Got a lecture about how if I take a year off before grad school I'll never go back and how I can't afford to do it anyway (live by myself and work at the coffee shop)...this all from my sister. When I explained that I can't take the GRE (to get into grad school) right now because I won't do well on it I was told I needed to let go some of my extracurriculars and buckle down and study for it so I could take it and do well and go to grad school next year. When I told her that I wasn't really doing any extracurriculars and that I was spending my free time sleeping and generally feeling crap instead of doing my homework she looked at me and said 'I thought you were taking drugs that were supposed to take care of that' (she doesn't really approve of the meds)...
*tear*
All I want to do is cut...
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
Your sister and my mother are cut from the same coarse clueless cloth. My mother thinks that because i take anti depressants that nothing should make me sad.
Extra curriculars? I took 15 units/term at 3 hours/unit = 45 hours of study, plus 15hours/week part time job = 60 hours of work/week. Plus I was doing housework for my parents.
I guess my point is that school is a full time job.
What's wrong with taking a year off? I did. I didn't have to take the GRE because I went to grad school at the same department of the same university where i did my undergrad. In the year i was off, i continued to work part time. I also got married and planned my little sister's wedding.
If you're crying, i'm there handing you a tissue. I've been there.
Please take care of yourself.
Love, Susan
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
im really sorry Ally.
ive had the same reactions from my family as far as meds go.
they think that meds "make it all better".
they dont understand thats only part of the process....and most of them dont approve of my meds anyhow.
please do what you feel is right for you and dont take on more than you can handle.
do what youre comfortable with hunni.
will be thinking of you.
much much love.
xxxx
