Sorry, I just need a space to talk and maybe some encouragement if possible. I just feel hugely overwhelmed with everything at the moment. Things feel like they're building up a bit and it's tough.
I'm applying to go back to uni for social work next year and I'm nearly ready to submit my application, which is exciting I guess but honestly I'm so stressed about it! I'll have to have interviews and I'm so bad at interviews. I'm worried about being able to cope with the course, I'm worried about whether I'm stable enough blah blah.
I've been working a lot which has been fine, but tiring. I'm on holiday now for the next week which is good because I really need the break! When I get back I'll have some extra responsibilities and stuff to work on that I'm genuinely excited about. Which is all really cool and I am excited but also worried I will **** things up and generally just not be good enough.
In all honestly though the main thing that is destabilising things at the moment is probably EMDR which I'm doing at the moment. It's actually going quite well I think but it does mean things coming up that I've worked really hard not to think about or deal with! Stuff that I've been busy pretending doesn't bother me apparently does and at the it's left me feeling really bad about myself and with a lot of thoughts about hurting myself. Which I won't act on, it's been years, but it's still hard.
I am so tired of having mental health problems, I'm tired of having to work so hard to manage normal life stuff and mentals stuff at the same time. It feels like too much sometimes.
"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."
Keep going sweets. It's understandable that you are feeling overwhelmed. You have a lot going on.
The only way to find out if you're stable enough for uni is to try it. If it doesn't work out then atleast you gave it a go..plus you won't be starting for another 11 months and so that gives you plenty of time to sort stuff out. I'm guessing the EDMR will be done by then and you will have been able to deal with current stuff? Plus, the fact that work is going so well shows that you can do it even if at times your not the most stable. And it seems you do a good job..getting extra responsibility etc. They wouldn't give you that if they thought you were unstable.
I hope you enjoy your holiday and get to chill. Juggling mh and life is difficult and tiring but you're doing a good job.
Sending love
Life can be beautiful if you let it.
Step back, breathe and take it in
I can relate to your last statement a lot. It is so hard when it is a constant battle.
It is understandable that therapy is bringing stuff up and how you are coping now won't reflect how you will cope when the therapy is finished. I think it is a credit to you how well you are managing right now. The past is painful not matter how well we think we have put it in a tidy box and forgotten about it.
Do you think it would help to get the application sent and out of your mind? There is a long time between submitting an application and starting a course and hopefully the therapy will help give you some more longer stability.
Huge congrats on the extra responsibility at work, I have complete faith that you will be marvelous at whatever it is because you are amazing!
It sounds like you've got a lot of pressures on your mind right now, all building up and feeding off one another. I know it's not easy to stop getting way ahead of yourself but you're worrying about lots of things regarding uni that haven't started yet, try and focus on one step at a time if you can and think about finishing your application.
Will you have enough support at work with your increased responsibilities? Keep an eye on things and let someone know if you feel like things are getting on top of you.
Is your therapist supportive? Do you have people in place to talk to when things feel too much because of therapy and other things? I hope that things will ease for you with time and you will see clearly that therapy was worth it.
Hope you enjoy your time off and good luck with all of your changes.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Thank you lovelies. I'm sorry it's taken me so long to respond but I did read your replies before and have tried to take them on board.
Thank you for the reassurance about uni and the reminder to focus on one step at a time. It's taken a bit of a back seat, but I think it's been good to have a break from it and I should be able to submit the application next week.
Work has been stressful for various reasons. It's also been good and I have coped fine but I am just shattered. I'm so tired I'm just not managing anything when I get home. Having a break didn't really seem to help that much, because the holiday was kind of stressful too, and since I've been back at work it's just been one thing after another. My manager is brilliant and she's incredibly supportive, she's on annual leave at the moment though so I am in charge. She'll be back in next week though and that will take some of the pressure off.
I had EMDR this morning and it didn't really go very well. I am stuck with something I can't seem to move past and then some other stuff came up that the psychologist said she'd never seen come up in the context of EMDR (and she has been doing this a long time!) which felt odd. She is genuinely brilliant and I totally trust her to be able to know how to handle everything that I throw at her but it still doesn't feel great at the moment. I really struggle to talk to her, which isn't the end of the world with EMDR, but at the moment I can be sitting there sobbing about something and I won't be able to just say what it is and I wish I could. I wish it was easier to just say things. I think it would probably help. I feel really terrible after today's session. I feel so low. I know it's also partly because I'm really tired and I know that it will probably lift in a day or two but it's really hard.
I feel like this is never going to end. I am so tired and miserable right now.
"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."
