In need of reassurance

[lostatsea2025]

My mind is destroying me it keeps telling me I can't be happy other wise others will be unhappy, and I don't want that. In the end I am always the one that is hiding by the mask, but I can't keep it up anymore. When I look around it is always me, so my mind just goes haywire and i lose myself again and again.
If you ask me what is the most heartbreaking word in the English dictionary it would be almost. Almost had a job, almost passed, almost in love, almost pretty enough, but in the end almost is never enough. I just need to know that I am okay, but there is nothing to reassure me of that. As I sit in my room i hear laughter of my roommates down stairs little do they know that I am destroying myself, when I face them tomorrow they will never know how truly damaged i am. Then, i destroy myself further because I won't let anyone in because those who are won't talk to me unless i talk first (is that really a friendship just always giving), but i can't leave them because then i will be back at square one. Last but not least is it okay that an adult has to sleep with stuffed animals; they are not just stuffed animals to me though. I left one of them back home and haven't felt right since, and I don't have the courage to call my parents to even see if he is in my bedroom because my mind keeps telling me that it is childish that i am so attached to these stuffed animals. The truth is these stuffed animals have been the only ones that have always been there for me and know the truth that I could never tell anyone. In the end am i even still considered human, or has my mind taken control; that i will never be okay?

[one_step_closer]

You sound very lonely, I'm sorry you're feeling so disheartened. I understand the feeling of thinking that you can't be happy or other people will be unhappy, what in particular strengthens this belief for you? How do you get on with your room mates? Are there any of them you could try to start confiding in a little? It's difficult when you don't feel you have someone close to you in life, we all need valued human contact. I know that it's often not easy to find someone who you can trust and get on well with though.

I don't think it's childish to have stuffed animals, we all have different ways we comfort ourselves. As you say they have been there for you when other people haven't and that isn't something anyone would want to give up.

I hope you feel better soon. Take care.

[nonperson]

I'm not sure I have any advice because I could have written that post myself. I understand completely when you said about hearing people laughing downstairs but being isolated and unhappy yourself. That contrast makes it feel worse sometimes. What's stopping you from going down and joining them?

Also, the stuffed animal thing - I have a stuffed toy that I've had since a baby... It followed me to university, it followed me when I moved out of home, it follows me when I go back home for a weekend. It's had several reincarnations over the years - my mum makes new versions of it for me.... and I'm 33. And mostly unashamed! It might not be "normal" but it definitely isn't something to be worried about. People get attached to all sorts of things and so what if it's your stuffed animal? If it gives you comfort then who cares.

You will be ok one day. Maybe you just need to find the right people.