Done with my CPN

Rilic · 26-09-2017, 04:35 PM

I hate him so much.

Had psychiatrist to sort out anti-anxiety meds, and told her about my hallucinations getting worse, so she considered stopping my haloperidol if itn' not working before I told her absolutely not. Just the things we talked about, and then that and my hallucinations and paranoia getting worse, and possibly have delusional and psychotic episodes again (or more frequently and worse), it terrifies me.

So I was in a state after, and my cpn found my crying and hyperventilating on the stair case.
He took me to a room to try and talk, but the things he was saying "you have to get your life back", "you can't go on like this", "you have to push yourself to do things", despite knowing how crap I feel and how difficult it is, and how I can have panic attacks simply going to the shop.

Then i asked him about psychological therapy (something he said he'd look to get me over a year ago now). I said the psychologist I saw wasn't a long term thing, she pretty much ended the sessions, with another if I wanted it, there were three, we didn't do anything during, and I don't know what's going on with it or what I should expect, if anything.

And he said "I'm not your mother. They're not your mother. Even your actual mother, you've pretty much written out your life (he said, knowing at this point she was neglectful, psychological and at times physically abusive) if you want to find out what's happening, do it yourself."
Which is why I asked him. He's my CPN. My care-coordinator. He should know what's going, or at least help me work things out.

He at least gave me a lift home and went to talk to staff there (I'm in supported housing), and then came to see me and told me he'd have to come back. There's going to be a meeting. My flats messy, and I'm withdrawing from everyone, so they wont renew my tenancy (which drops my on the spot of having around two months before I'd have to leave, rather than eight), and then he went to get his dairy and make the appointment.

Then he came up to tell me when it was, he reitterted they're not giving me another six months there, and that I need to stop hiding and face life and get on with things (instead of being someone with chronic depression, severe anxiety and autism, i guess) then he pointed to the note on my door.

I put it up on my door, asking that no one knocks unless urgent, and everyone else knows that it was there because a lot of crap went down with another tenant, and it made me feel safer that I felt I had a space where no one disturbed me. Just a note on the door, but it made me feel calmer.

And he asked what that was about, said "You're not four years old anymore" and I just snapped. I started screaming at him to get out, tried to close the door on him, when he wouldn't move I swung at him, then slammed the door shut when he moved back out the way. Then he hit, or kicked, the door, and now the locks cracked and splintered half way off.

I'm sick of his attitude, of everything he says. He makes me feel like utter ****. I self harmed so badly as he was leaving ( not dangerous, just bad), was a complete mess. He saw me in a state and decided to make it worse. He always says these things that are belittling, essentially "stop being silly" "get over it" "just get better" "stop making excuses".
...
he calls medication crutches. I want to go on medication because things are unmanageable bad, but he decides to tell me that it's just a way to avoid facing things.
He makes me feel like **** because I can't just be better, and why am I not get better? Because I'm not trying, because I'm not going out and facing things and just doing things, because instead I want medication and therapy and actual ****ing help!!!

I'm so mad. I can not see him again.
My friend told me to put in a complaint, so staff are helping me do that.

tiptoes · 26-09-2017, 06:33 PM

You should completely put in a complaint. I'm sorry I have no advice but no one deserves to be spoken to like that. It isn't helpful and it isn't constructive.

It sounds like things are difficult for you at the moment, is this something the supported housing could help with?

Rilic · 07-10-2017, 02:40 AM

We had an actual, scheduled appointment for today, and he didn't turn up.
If he did, I'd have likely told to **** off, but it's more the fact that he didn't, on top of everything else, which is why I'd tell him to **** off.
He's missed appointments before, no message, no text, no call. Nothing, until a few weeks when he realises he hasn't seen me in a while.
And he wonders why this shitty relationship has built between us.

If I missed an appointment, it'd sure as hell go into my notes that I didn't turn up, and that's a black mark in their books. Only so many times you can't turn up.
But if he doesn't show, who writes him up??
Who tells him he's not trying?
Who tells him he's not putting in the effort?
Who tells him if you miss too many like that, you're going to get kicked from the service????

waiting for a response from pals.

tiptoes · 07-10-2017, 08:51 AM

That is not on, could you call the team to leave a message saying he didn't show and could be contact you to rearrange. It might get logged that way.

I hope you hear back from pals soon my heart breaks when I hear things like this.

How are you doing?